PTSD and Trauma recovery
 

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• Hypervigilance and scanning
• Elevated startle response
• Blunted affect, psychic numbing
• Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way)
• Interruption of memory and concentration
• Depression
• Generalized anxiety
• Violent eruptions of rage
• Substance abuse
• Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
• Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks
• Insomnia
• Suicidal ideation
• Survivor guilt

Thoughts?

During my life I have experienced most of the symptoms of PTSD. Some worse than others.

I will post more after I see what kind of sharing I feel comfortable with here.

Yes, I suffer from PTSD. I went to counseling for this. It is from my childhood at the hands of my bio-father. He is my tormentor. I have always tried to be forgiving because I believe that there is power in forgiveness, but I am not quite there yet.

I am so horribly tortured from guilt for not protecting my sisters. They came to me for protection. I tried to stand up to my father, and in turn, I was threatened and beaten, and ...

This is a good thread. I would like to see what others say as well.

I feel lot's of guilt too, and often I am not sure for what exactly, just guilt.

My answers are in red. I will come back and say more later.

I am more "verbal" online than I am in real time. In real time I am very quiet and shy. I just feel the need to protect myself at all times. When you come from a violent childhood, you understand. Violence can be verbal, physical, emotional, intellectual, and sexual abuse. Basic dysfunction all the way around.

I will never understand why my mother never stood up to her husband. Never helped her kids. It blows my mind. When folks talk about how wonderful their families are...I just wonder what that really means.

I am not familiar with adrenal shock, will have to look up. It sounds horrible and I am so sorry you still have the feelings and symptoms you do.

I do understand the being OK with not being alive any more. I feel like that so much too.


Thank you for answering AZ, I have or have had all of the symptoms too.

You know Andrew, we are about the same age. Things were different for women then, maybe she was as scared as you were.

In my case the biggest trauma that my father either killed or contributed heavily to the death of my mother and we moved to the United States in 4 days on the plane with her casket and never went home. My father was incredibly abusive always and we never mentioned my mother again. I lived in complete fear. Every day of every minute.

I broke ties with my father completely 11 years ago, and when he died last January had not seen him in 10 years...until after he died. I . see . him . everywhere . now. He is in my dreams, he is at the park looking at me, he is in my head.

I have a definite family phobia too. I get that completely.

Thank you all for sharing, I know its so difficult to even think about.

Oh my father, my tormentor, is dying. I have tried to be forgiving. It is something that I am working on. However, as I have gotten older, I still am not there yet. He has single handedly destroyed so much of life. He is always in my head. Always. However, I have a place for him. He is there. Not here. When you get to that place, it is pure joy. The inner peace is precious. Believe me.

Now you have to remember I have a horrible case of ocd. In having ocd, it is all about obsession and compulsion. That is something that I have inherited from my father. Both my father and uncle have ocd too, but not nearly as bad as mine is. It comes out worse in those further down the line. So my father is a huge obsession of mine. Huge. However, I have a place for him. Sometimes it comes out when I have contact with him. And everything goes to hell in a second.

A long story short, my father came at me one time. He had a huge chip on his shoulder, and was just mad at the world. And my father hates me. There is nothing about me that he even likes. Nothing. With that said, this behavior does not surprise me. I sort of expect it from him. Anyway, I had asked my mother for help wrapping gifts for Rosie, and my nieces & nephews. She was thrilled to do it. Well, he was furious. And he took the main bag of toys from my mother's hands (literally tearing the bag from her hands hurting her) and throwing it at me. Then he went outside after being dazed, and helping my mother who was crying, only to find out he ripped out the wiring to my car, trying to isolate me there. Well, I just called Rosie. She came and got me, and the gifts.

Or I can tell you about the time he held a knife to me. Or left out his hunting rifle and shells knowing he wants me to do what my younger brother did. See if you don't play the game, you are not rewarded. Sick isn't it? I don't play his game. I refuse too.

Andrew, :gimmehug: brother. How hellacious and inexcusable of your dad to do that to you. You are a person who deserves respect. When he behaves this way the important thing to understand and keep in mind is that what he has done to you has nothing really to do with who you are. It about his being fucked up, not you. HE is the one with the problem, not YOU. It took me years of therapy to understand that about my older brother.

Andrew and anyone else...

Did you ever see the Twilight Zone where the guy walked through the propeller of a jet to prove it really wasn't there?

That's whats its like facing demons and memories. That's how I faced mine. I confronted the day, the night, the episode, the pain the memory to find it couldn't hurt me anymore. Sometimes it takes the help of a therapist to walk with, other times just yourself. It takes courage and stesdiness. Make it a goal and you'll overcome by chipping away at the trauma...just my experience. it was killing me and my life was spiraling out of control until I decided to face it head on. No medicine, no therapy alone helped. And remember, whether you believe in God or not...I promise He's with you.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• Hypervigilance and scanning
• Elevated startle response
• Blunted affect, psychic numbing (check)
• Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) (check)
• Interruption of memory and concentration
• Depression (check)
• Generalized anxiety
• Violent eruptions of rage (check)
• Substance abuse
• Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
• Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks (check)
• Insomnia
• Suicidal ideation (check)
• Survivor guilt

I grew up with an older brother who verbally, emotionally and physically abused me all though my childhood years. He beat me, humiliated me in front of other kids, called me stupid, fat, ugly, a bitch, and lots of other nasty things. I was his whipping post, a nuisance, a source of irritation, and someone to wipe his dirty feet on. My feelings didn't exist for him. All that existed for him was the delight and laughter he got from abusing me.

When I was seven, he pinned me down to the floor by sitting on my chest with his knees. I could hardly breathe and he thought it was funny and laughed. Sometimes he would pin me down and tickle me to the point of utter torture.

As we grew older, the violence became more amplified. I started to fight back. I never won any of the fights, of course. He is four years older than me and way bigger and stronger. I remember one time he had me on the floor in the kitchen and he was kicking me. I grabbed a knife from the knife block in the kitchen for self defense. He wrestled it away from me, then proceeded to try to plunge it into my face. I grabbed his wrist and pushed with every ounce of strength in my body to stop him. I remember thinking at that moment, 'maybe it would be easier if I just let go and let him do it'.

I was suicidal and hated myself throughout my childhood. My parents didn't understand what he was doing to me and downplayed it as just kids bickering. I felt abandoned by them and like nobody loved me. I was suicidal and depressed. I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.

At 15, I went to drug rehab and the violence between my brother and I stopped. He just decided to stop the beatings for some reason. I was depressed for years after that. Part if that was my gender issue, and part was my family history. At age 25 I went into counseling. By my late 20's I started to see that I was abused, and it wasn't my fault. That changed me greatly, like a huge burden was lifted. I came out as gay, another burden lifted. I was doing a lot better.

Then I got involved with my ex-wife. She was sweet at first but once we moved in together, she changed. She started to criticize me. She hated my being butch, my weight, my job and questioned my intelligence. She told me I was fat and ugly. I felt all the pangs of pain and being silenced that I did as a kid. It took me years to finally stand up for myself and end it. I went back into counseling and got a lot stronger in myself and developed more self-regard.

On December 1, 2007, in the middle of the night, a fire broke out in my apartment. I barely got an armful of clothes, my cell phone and computer and got out alive. Had I not been awake while still in bed, reading, I would not have gotten out. The fire spread and engulfed my apartment inside of 5 minutes. I knocked on my neighbors door and got them out. It was 30 degrees outside, and I was in my pajamas. I put my shoes, socks and hooded sweater on in the driveway, and called 911 about 2 minutes after I was out of the house. The firefighters came about 6 minutes later, and the house was engulfed. I was panicked. I was stunned. I was in shock. My mood kept shifting from terror, to panic, then to shock and numbness. I stood out there in the cold for three hours while the firefighters put out the fire and cleared out my apartment. At about 5 a.m. I drove out to my parents house in Rio Vista, an hour or so away.

The next day my landlord let me go in and see the damage first hand. Nothing in the living room or kitchen survived. My bedroom had extensive heat and smoke damage. I got a few things out of there that I could salvage, and the rest I just left. All my most precious possessions were gone: my grandparents couch, dresser, coffee table, china hutch, my grandma's dishes, their lamp, everything that my kid ever made for me when she was little, pictures that were irreplaceable, things like that. My suit and tux were ruined. Most if my clothes were ruined. It was all gone.

Twelve days later my girlfriend broke up with me. I was just finishing my trade school program for Medical Assisting. After graduating, I was treated like shit by my school, which had promised to help me get a job. They ignored my requests for help. I sent out TONS of resumes and made phone calls all over the place. I never got any replies. For four months I couldn't find a job. I was in a new apartment that I hated, that didn't feel like home. The new furniture and things I had bought, I felt no emotional attachment to. I was just numb and stunned.

By the time summer came around, I started getting this crazy germ phobia. I couldn't touch any garbage, even to throw it away. I couldn't touch dirty dishes, to clean them. I resorted to buying paper plates and forks to avoid doing dishes. Then I became agoraphobic. I was afraid to leave my apartment, for any reason. I slept all day and was awake all night, being afraid to sleep at night. I stopped showering. I stayed in my pajamas all day and night. My apartment became piled with garbage that I couldn't touch. I even stopped going to the grocery store, so I was eating crackers after a while, and not much else. By October 2008, my parents insisted that I move in with them so they could care for me. I just couldn't care for myself anymore.

I isolated myself from all my friends. I was afraid to answer my phone, because I was scared it would be bad news that I just couldn't deal with. I just stopped answering it. I stopped posting on the butch-femme websites. I basically fell off the face of the earth.

I was like this for a year. For a whole year the only times I left the house were to go to see my therapist, my psychiatrist, or my step-daughter. Other than that, it was too stressful to leave the house. I would freak out and shake and cry when just thinking about going out. After a while, I started going to bed by 3 am instead of 6 am, and getting up at noon or 1 pm instead of 5 pm. I got out a little more, but only when my folks were with me. In September they took me on a trip to Oregon for a few days vacation, and I had panic attacks virtually the whole time we were there.

Finally, in October of this year, I felt better and somewhat less panicked. I had a med change that has helped I think. Now I get out a lot more, but it is still hard for me to leave the house alone. I shower every day, exercise several days a week, and I am once again interacting with the rest of the world.

I am not out of the woods yet. I still have anxiety and sometimes feel panicky. However, my impending transition and starting T is something I have to look forward to and that helps me psychologically a whole lot. Each day I am getting better and I am grateful for that.

thinking bout this.
Rockin

AZ.
u are doing a great job of takeing it one day at the time,ive been in some of the places u have and know how hard it is to deal with or get past them.One step at the time ok..pm me if u want..anytime.
Rockin

Ne
 

Atomic and Ol'Jet,

Thank you for your kind words and support. I could rattle on and on telling you stories that would make the hairs on the back of your neck just stand up on end. Yes, my father is sick. I know and accept this. That is why I am at the point of forgiveness. Forgiveness is powerful in and of itself. But like I said before I am working on this every day. It is like being online here - we can agree to disagree on whatever issue is being talked about. With my father, he had to be the one who was always right. I was wrong. In the end, does it really matter? No. It isn't a matter of winning every argument. For some, it is. And that is where the disfunction is.

Nobody deserves to be abused. No person, male or female or whatever gender id'ed. Never.

Peace,
Andrew

I wanted to check in, and see how everyone was doing. I hope Christmas was good for everyone here. You all were in my prayers, and still are.

Be safe, be well, and be peaceful.

Namaste,
Andrew

Christmas was stressful but thankfully is over for another year!

I have noticed that when other people act badly I feel like I need to change myself so they will maybe act better. Does anyone else do this?

No, I really don't.

When I was younger, and my father was in one of his moods and either verbally abusive and/or physically violent (like hitting me and leaving his handprint on my face, leg, arm, etc.), I wouldn't get emotional or acted out against him. Instead, I withdrew and became quiet and shy.

I too am glad Christmas is overwith. It is one less day I have to deal with it, and everything involved with my bio-family.

I just want to let you know that I didn't forgive my father until 5yrs after he died. I think that my not forgiving him made me strong. It was my sense of power over him and what he represented to me. I had no interaction with him other than forced visits until I was 18 yrs old (my parents divorced when I was 15 yrsold. My dad died a horrible death beteen his cirrohis of his liver to kidney shutdown his heart actually burst. He died alone in his apartment. I didn't have a bit of sympathy for his demise. I did feel relief. Because for me, my dad had been dead to me for years ad finally it came to be real. I didn't cry for him. Until after he died, I never could cry. My dad always sighted crying as weakness and I wasn't about to ever show him my weakness. Now I am no longer bitter about him, but it took many years after his death for me to get there. Looking back I see I struggled to get my Bachelor's Degree because my Dad told me I was a no good 'c___t' and never would mount to anything. So, do what is good for you!:clap::clap:

FF,

My father tells anyone who cries that they are cry babies. I actually had to look it up in the dictionary to figure out what he was saying. It wasn't in there. I ended up asking my older brother what our father was telling us. My brother told me to just ignore him.

My father is dying a very slow, death. I just pity him. He is not a man, but a weak human being. He can throw anything my way, and I just catch it and throw it back to him. Let him deal with it because I am long done playing that game.

Life is for the living, and to be lived. :golf:

Andrew
:bbq::tanning::bedfuck::waterski:

Yes. I do this so much that people get angry at me if I DONT. They all expect it of me. I was the scapegoat and the peacemaker. I was the black sheep and the go-to for help person. I have struggled with PTSD since I was 11 years old. My story is a looong one meaning the traumatic things were not just happening at home in my childhood.... it really means a lot to read everyone else opening up but I dont want to share mine right now.

I will wait until I am in "that place" already in my mind. No sense in triggering myself while I am dealing with this break up and this emotional abuse I am currently getting daily. So far, with said person at work, it has been emotionally relaxed day. When you get that peace you hang onto it and avoid the "victim" feeling and panic attacks if you can.

Threads like this one are a big reason I come to online community. I am not told here that I "am gay because of these traumas" by the people here. No one tries to fix me and make me want to be hetero here. My queerness was not a result or caused by my life. I would be asexual if that were true because the traumas werent caused by one gender, or even one race...

Thank you everybody here for that acceptance and kindness.

I totally relate to your state of mind. I had several abuses following my childhood and my father. I thought until I was in my mid-thirties it was my purpose in life to take on everyone's dysfunction to create 'peace' from chaos. Then I found myself. A 'me' that deserved and commanded respect from my family. I realized that I was taking on everyone else's stuff so I didn't have to deal with my own. I finally put myself first. It felt selfish and self absorbed at first, but in the end I have the respect and love of my family with all their quirks. I still deal with some of the tragedy. But I am determined I will die, in peace. :riding2::grandpiano:

Family
 

Exactly! I barely see my family because I cut those dysfunctional expectations out of my life. I am still in the feel selfish stage. I know in my head that I am doing what I need to do by avoiding them... but it takes longer to UNDO that "role" than it took for them to lock me into it. Holidays are harder even though I thought it was going to make it easier. I should have expected them to be healthier... rather than easier.

Seems less selfish to think I am doing this for their good also. An enabler I was letting them continue to harm themselves and that helps me every day to think its not just "for me". I also have two teens who have been catching on for a few years... and getting angry in my defense. I think of doing what is right as a role model for my two and my four nephews. I dont want them to be dragged into it and influenced. I dont want the cycle to infect our next generation growing up.

The buck stops here...

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

Without going into the details of why I relate to this thread, I will just say YUP, know those symptoms all to well.

Therapy, and meds when necessary, have both helped. It has also helped to have periods when NOT in therapy or on meds. I go back to them if/when I get into that isolative, unable to face day to day tasks, get out of the jammies/take a shower kinds of periods. Of wich, I am happy to report, have happened with less and less frequency over the years, and even more rare now with active involvement in a 12 step program that somehow provides tools that work even with the flashbacks.

Learning to take accountability for who I am TODAY, without seeing myself as resulting soley on the horrors of my earlier years really has been freeing. Its a balance of honoring what I have been through, without secrets or shame, vs not being defined by that trauma.

Pearls

Atomic,

I also stutter. It is another thing to toss in the mix of things I have going.

Andrew

I'm not a doctor but it sounds like you're in a depression. Have you called your doctor to give you meds or readjust them? I wouldn't about transitioning at right now. That is life changing will require a lot of focus
and decision making. I think it may too much right now. First things first and one thing at time.

Call the doc. Get your meds and get what you need to get adjusted so that you feel better. Okay? And one more thing, you're not alone. Do you have friends you can call? And make sure you're eating right.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1994, when I was seventeen years old.

My worst symptoms are hypervigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, and emotional avoidance.
I also have survivor guilt, although that one is tricky because the person I survived was also the perpetrator of the trauma. Once I got over the initial relief that he could no longer hurt me, the guilt over the fact that I should have somehow prevented his death set in. It's amazing to realize how many different things can be true at one time.

I've spent a lot of time feeling embarrassed about it and I'm done with that now. I've adapted, for the most part, and I have decent coping skills.

I can't date, though. I know I've joked with some of you about why I don't date, but the real reason is I just can't function in a relationship.

Yet. I still have hope for someday I'm just not there yet. :)

After much thought, I suppose I could contribute here

w/o getting into details, I'm in therapy, and medication for a few of my "issues"..
i've already tried anger management group therapy 3 times, i failed horridly but mostly because I simply didnt attend or slept through it [ they have a strange time for it in my area, saturdays/thursdays at 9 am...], the one time i showed "promise" was when i got into a so-called lively debate with a lady who was having a bad week with her kids.I'm young, and she 'transferred' that conflict on my opinion, I wasn't too impressed with the therapy, and most of those there were court-ordered and had to attend for some certification..-shrug-
If I dont take the 3 different sleep aid pills, I can easily go 48 hrs w/o sleep, I would generally stay up and about until my body pretty much collapsed from exhaustion...
I have to continuously be careful with other prescription meds because if something's not in order, I quickly get branded as suicidal, or purposely careless...
I have a so-called swiss cheese memory..And yet sometimes, the most subtle issue, topic or scent can trigger a hellacious flashback
And yes, I have days where I'm in such a state I refuse to do anything, not even budge from my bed..
Thankfully I have people around me that care enough to keep an eye on me during those times.
Oftentimes, whether I like it or not, if the individual is contrary with me, they usually wind up on a permanent shitlist
Im currently trying to convince myself to attend anonymous survivor group...
The rest, I'll skip...for now..
:candle::puertorico::candle:

can this cause anxiety disorder......

the reason i ask..is my daughter had a car accident about two years ago,,and since then has developed anxiety attacks.....is there anything someone can do to help a person thru one.....

A great book on the psychological consequences of traumatic life events is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman

thank you for the feed back on the book.....