7 Rules for Building Safer/Saner Online Communities
 

Hello All,
I wanted to take a few minutes to post some information that I think is helpful for folks not only on this website but the internet in general.

The internet is a big place. It is often a place where people who don't get the kind of social interaction they desire go to find others with similar interests/backgrounds/likes. While most people just want to have fun or meet someone new, there are people out there who have zero qualms about hurting other people, telling lies, scamming money, or playing chess with people because they don't have anything positive going on in their own lives.

Below is a list of things to keep in mind when traversing the online world:

1. Financial Con Artists - Never EVER give money to someone on the internet unless you are prepared to never see it again, find out they spent it on their girlfriend, or aren't really dying of brain cancer.
People lie, especially when it comes to money. That sweet little thing you have been talking to who says they only need $75 for their light bill could very well be a married man who is just really good at schmoozing.
Giving your money to someone on the internet whom you have either never met or have very little information about is the same as setting it on fire in your driveway.

2. Love Con Artists -
There are some folks out there who will jerk your heart around, want to marry you after having never met you, or profess their undying devotion to you after seeing one picture. This behavior should raise a red flag for you. If someone is moving fast to call you their girlfriend/boyfriend, talking about marriage after 1 date, or trying to move in with you after a phone call, you should stop and ask yourself if they are running toward you or away from something.
Love can feel real good at first. It can make you believe that the fairy tales exist, and they do!, but slowing things down, meeting the person, and taking the time to get to know them never hurt anyone. It may actually prevent you from getting your heart broken and your wallet drained.

3. Gossip is Sometimes not Just Gossip -
If you have heard from 9 different people who are not connected to one another that "Bill" is a con artist, thief, liar, and really doesn't have a mansion in Beverly Hills, then it's probably safe to assume that 9 different, unconnected people didn't get together one day and decide to put a target on someone's back without reason. Sure, gossip is dangerous and ugly but if you hear the same thing from multiple sources? There might be a reason for you to consider the possibility that there might be something going on.

4. Safety Is as Safety Does -
We here at the Planet want to make sure that everyone has a good experience on this site and will do whatever we can to make that happen but you have to take responsibility for your personal safety.
You have to maintain your own safety by not giving strangers on the internet your personal information, money, or even time if you don't know them that well. We can make general rules for what happens in this space but you have to also help yourself by maintaining healthy boundaries. Protect yourself.

5. What You "Know" is Sometimes NOT What You "KNOW" -
Please consider that just because you "heard" that "Jane" is the President of Sony records and a great girl doesn't make it true. Investigate things for yourself. Don't take someone's word, even a friend, if you have the slightest doubt about what someone is telling you. Sociopaths will often come across as very seductive, convincing, and magnetic and can often provide "proof" of what they tell you is true about themselves.
Remember, College "degrees" can be purchased online for about $5 if someone is claiming to be a Nuclear Engineer.

6. Keep it Sane, Silly -
If someone is constantly in crisis, constantly at the center of drama, or always talking about how people are "setting them up", you might want to ask yourself how much time you want to devote to what could be a pretty draining situation. Normal people with normal lives who are functioning on a sane level do not have continuous drama. They also are able to maintain their finances, hold a job, and probably have friends who are longer term than a few months. Ask yourself "Does that sound reasonable?" if someone makes wild claims or tells grandiose stories.

7. Ask for Help -
If you get in a situation where someone is harrassing you, making threats, or generally fucking with you, ask for help either by notifying me or a Moderator. Beyond this site, if you feel that someone is harrassing you notify the proper authorities, their Internet Service Provider, etc.
Lean on your friends and the people who love you as well.


These rules/tips aren't meant to scare or frustrate anyone, just some simple reminders for people making connections in cyberspace.

I have personally made some very dear, long-term friends out in cyberspace - people who have been to my home and who have access to my personal life. I have also been on the receiving end of unwanted attention, con artists who wasted my time and energy with their bullshit drama, and people who have poor social skills trying to spread their damage into the universe.

I choose to believe that most people have good intentions but guard my personal space well against people that I don't know. It might take a little longer to make friends but you can bet your ass that they will be quality friends at the end of the "honeymoon phase". :)

Feel free to discuss or add to this list. Please do NOT use this thread to make swipes at other people or post passive-aggressive shit at someone you are having issues with...cause that makes me real cranky.

Here's to safer and saner community!

<-- not the President of Sony records.








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Spring = Twitterpated
 

One of the things that I fell for (an old site, member not part of this site) was to think that someone was "safe" to loan money to in their crisis because they were a frequent poster for years. I felt that the person was so entrenched in the community that they wouldn't disappear. I'd also been "friends" with the individual for years, despite never meeting. After wiring a large sum of money upon the person's desperate request, the person DID disappear and never paid me back or contacted me again. I think that some people groom others with the eventual plan to use them. It's easy to feel comfortable with people who we see every day on the site, to want to quickly jump in and help someone who claims to be on the edge of something terrible happening and is asking for money. I realize now that it's never good to get too comfortable.

I think also that trusting one's instinct is so important. In the situation I described, I used my own money but made the conscious decision not to check in with BB about it first. And that was strange because I check in with BB on everything. A part of me knew that BB would tell me it was a bad idea, and I didn't want to hear it because I wanted to save my "friend" from being kicked out onto the street at Christmas. Of course, I had been assured that a new job was to start right away after the holiday and that I'd be paid back by the end of January (This was over 3 years ago.). After wiring the money, I did tell BB who responded very matter-of-fact, "You'll never get your money back." BB then noted to me how hinky it was that the person was instructing me where to go to wire money and when I said it was too late, that person let me know what time the place closed and that I did have time and that it must be done right at that moment! What I learned from this is to trust that tiny feeling of doubt that nags at the back of one's head, instead of pushing it away. At the very least check with your partner or someone trusted to get their thoughts.

<--- putting my hand in the air as one who has been completely and totally deceived and suckered in by an online con artist.

Thank you June....and also to you Jennifer for sharing your story. I spent several years all caught up in the drama of someone who turned out to be a pathological liar (and, no....not on this site). I cringe at how many hours I spent talking, listening, worrying....I sent gifts (not hugely expensive, but still)...and then, when we finally did meet in person, bought into the excuses about why I drove for 4 hours each way, when they could only sit and talk for an hour or 2.

Yes, we all have trouble in our lives at times or issues we're working through, but constant drama or stories that sound on the verge of unbelievable are a huge red flag. And, I believe, that most of these people are damn good at spotting the "soft touch" who will feel compelled to help. If someone is reaching out to you....and avoiding the more level-headed or "hard nosed" folks...there's probably a reason.

Don't be afraid to stalk, to ask others, and to doubt. It doesn't make you a bad person...it means you're acting sensibly.

I believe that you can make friends, have community...even meet a wonderful partner online....but I'd say go slow...and pay attention.

Raising my hand too. Same story. Someone who I had seen posting for years. Someone everyone seemed to like. I had never talked to ANYONE individually for the 10+ years I was on that site until her. Large sum of money. She didn't disappear, but I didn't tell anyone, either. Anyone. Just in case her reasons for not being able to pay me back were true...you know, I didn't want to ruin her rep! :rolleyes: I guess I believed the reasons she couldn't pay it back "just then" too b/c she wasn't the one who wanted to end the online romantic connection. However, even though I was the one that ended the connection, I have a very strong suspicion she wouldn't have paid me back, anyway. (It is not like she still doesn't have my snail mail address!).

Sure wish someone would have said something who noticed our connection. No way in hell I was the first person she did this to. Not that this was anyone's job, of course, but it would have saved me a HECK of a lot of heartache (on many fronts).

I was embarrassed about it. I am not anymore.

I don't want any of y'all's money. :) or your secrets. or your girlfriends or boifriends or boyfriends.

Book collections...well :P

Maybe we should be called "the site of ex-suckers!"

I have never sent money to anyone that I knew only online although I have come very, very, very close several times. I have also invested huge amounts of time and energy into relationships (of the friendship kind) with people who have turned out to be less than truthful. Oh, and I've fallen madly in love with two people who turned out to be completely batshit crazy.

I've been online for a really long time, since the days of local BB's and Usenet, and I can't count the number of really amazing people that I've met along the way. I also can't count the number of not so great people that I've met.

Probably the most important thing that I've learned through the years is to do as much as you can to verify that the person you are about to send money to, fly across the country to meet for the first time, give your home phone number or address or place of employment, etc. is who they say they are before you do any of those things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it can appear as "untrusting". Yes, it can be a mood killer. But the only time I've ever had someone balk was when they had something to hide.

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

i also trusted someone who i met online and eventually in person to be what she presented herself as. It was a huge mistake. It was not romantic, but it became potentially dangerous for me. She is unstable. i honestly feel that i am dealing with some PTSD as a result of that connection. It was harrowing.

On the other hand, i met one of my best friends on the other site. She is a light in my life. i would trade all of the bad stuff for her any day. She and i chatted a little in threads and then met at a butch-femme gathering in Detroit and took the friendship into real time from there. i can't tell you the difference that that friendship has made to me. She's the best.