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How Do You Self-Identify...and why.
But first, a rule. I like those. I am really not interested in how you don't identify and why not.
Considering that there are a lot of words that mean basically the same thing, I'm pretty curious this week about why people have chosen the specific word that they've chosen. for example: Lesbian, Gay Woman, and Dyke at the end of the day have pretty nearly the same definition - but different people tend to gravitate toward one particular word. I know "in real life" I have a lot of friends who are Dykes, but I only know very few Lesbians and to my knowledge I don't hang out with any Gay Women. Is that generational? Is it sub-culture related? What gives? Ditto with Pansexual and Bisexual. What makes people choose one over the other? I'll go first: I choose Queer. I choose Queer because it means both absolutely nothing and potentially everything/anything. For me picking Queer means I am making a statement that I wish to align myself with the rest of you. Am I allowed to make a poll or do I have to wait until I remember to send a money order to Medusa? ;) |
our identities are a set. so by you going with queer, right on.
i'm butch. i'm a woman. i'm a coach. i care about other's feelings. but i'm also femme at times. i'm lazy. i cuss up a storm. i laugh like crazy. so i won't put myself in a cubby hole and say i am just one identity when i'm also others. we all are. i may like to think that i am butch all the time, but i'm not lol. i could very well just identify as a laugher. it would be true! |
I identify as metrosexual genderqueer. Why? Because it just feels right for me.
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Woman lesbian (which to me is not redundant and a critical pairing of terms) is what seems to be most accurate for me at this juncture. However, I am burned-out on "identity" within the range of butch to be honest. I am focused on character as a human being and this is what I have the deepest connection with within the butch-femme paradigm. And this is at the root of my participation here, this dynamic or narrative is the nucleus for me.
Of course I find elements of gender theory to be important and how my female masculinity enhances my life- and it does. The inter-play (and actually freedom) I experience as a woman with some masculine traits, as it were, is a good fit for me and always has been. Even with some of the ugliness I (and all of us) have encountered by not fitting socially accepted norms of gender. What I want most for people within this community is to feel this same sense of peace no matter their identity across our entire queer spectrum. I know some have had (or will) to make very complex and life-long changes in order to be who they are and I want them to live life as they truly are. |
I ID as Queer Femme Dyke in the community and A Gay Woman in everyday life...
Gay because I came up in the boys clubs... I imprinted on the word Gay (Gay to me is a sexual marker... gay men/gay women) Woman is my gender...(I know that female is the correct gender, but it feels weird calling myself female) Queer means I am other... I queer the norm... It doesn't say what makes me other, just that I am... Femme is my soul... It's a special creation of my own uniqueness... Dyke is the bit of a rebel left in me... I like labels... I don't think they put me in a box... I just like to think of them more as warning labels.... Grin... |
I identify as an old school butch. old school meaning, the way things used to be. When people ask me, I tell them I am an old school butch with updated ideas, meaning a butch like you might have found twenty or fifty years ago before the advent of labels, who has attempted to keep up with the times while not losing identity. Sexuality, gender, etc, has over the years splintered into a million pieces with so many identifications its hard to keep up. Even though I cling to my past, I admire the people who have thought out who they are and what they really feel no matter what category that ultimately puts them in. By the same token, I do stick with my past and the strong feelings I have about being butch and what that means to me. For me personally, it means taking on a dominant role, being a leader and also being one who nurtures. When I came out, being butch was a given to me, it was who I was and there would be no compromise to it ever. That feeling has never changed. The only additions to it over the years have been a sense of being a daddy though I rarely ID that way and a particular sadistic streak which only in the last several years have I come to terms with as part of the kink side I embrace.
I have always felt that people today sometimes have a hard time finding who they are, in part because there are so many decisions now, in part because of our individuality. It makes it hard on the younger people to find their place and I feel for them in that regard. My life was simple coming out because you were pretty much either butch, femme or bi. Trans was around then, but considered more of a curiosity I think rather than an identification. It amazes me in the last 30 years how much all of this has changed and how very different we all are, evolving from the simplicity of butch/femme to the complexities we have reached. I am comfortable in my skin, extremely confident about who I am, and I wonder sometimes how many people can really say that. With that said, I have to say I support people in whatever ID they choose as we all have to make our way in life no matter how easy or complex it becomes. Your individuality is something you must never give away or let someone take from you. I have had people say to me in recent times that being butch or femme is now a relic of the past given the scores of new IDs that people have. I will have to disagree with that statement. We are what everything new has evolved from and I certainly don't feel like a relic or outdated by any means. I also find there are a lot of women out there who are wanting that type of old school relationship even among the younger crowd. In order to find your future, you must also embrace your past. We are the ones who were at Stonewall. We are the ones who were in the dirty bars that got raided by the police, We are the ones who were unable to 'pass' and were victimized because of it. The gay men, butches and drag queens opened the doors for all of you in one way or another. We are still here and a viable part of the community. Never count the old school out. |
Interesting question and thread.
I never gave much thought to identity before landing on the planet. Growing up, my female/girl identity was totally gender-congruent for me. My mom sewed me frilly dresses and set my hair in rags at night. The rags would make my hair come out in these long curls that I thought (and pictures still show), looked beautiful to me. It just seemed normal to me that putting my hair in rags that hurt, was what girls did to have Shirley Temple curls. I loved dolls, tea parties and did not like getting dirty ( still really don't). I wanted to be a nurse from the time I was a little girl. My life was plotted out for me. I would get married and have children. The only time I felt a twinge of disconnect was when I saw my first butch at 16. I felt someting I had never felt before inside. A hunger really but my friends hurried me away and I ignored that pull. I am at one with my identity, my femaleness and being a woman. I am femme. It is who I am. I feel gender-congruent with my sex. I am greatly attracted to women with masculine traits & sense of self. It is the ying to my yang. It is the "otherness" to me. I have gained a new understanding for those whose identity is not congruent with their gender. I can't imagine how painful it must be but have learned much about the struggle many experience daily while coming to terms with this for themselves since I have been on the planet. I also now totally "get" why many lesbians have transitioned. This was very hard for me to come to terms with when I first arrived here. As ALH stated, yes, of course, character is important and critical. Perhaps even more so, is that we are able to feel as one with our bodies, our gender, our self-perception, self-identity and our view of the world and how others perceive us. It all has to "fit" for us to be our very best selves. I might have digressed but woke up too early and got philosophical. This is how I see it this early AM on Sunday. |
The first thing I am before anything else is a girl. I think this makes me 'other' in a way that is not as hard to explain, as it seems hard for people to understand or accept, this is not an age play or a little/big kind of thing either, that's not what I mean; I am a girl not a woman in the same way that a zebra is not a horse.
That said, I am gay also queer and a lesbian, femme is apparent, but it is on the list. |
Interesting topic.......
For me, first and always I am a girl..... I am a girl first and always, even if single I am still a girl. I love lables, I slapped Queer Femme on me proudly long ago, sometimes at work I shock the younger straight set of friends I have when I call myself Queer. They react with omg!! Isn't that a derogatory word. I said only if one thinks so I happily embrace the Queer I am. So I suppose I am a Queer Femme Girl and I love everyone no matter what label they choose or don't choose. I am femme by nature as was my Mother before me. |
How do I identify?
I'm a woman, I'm a lesbian, I'm femme. I'm queer as in part of the queer community. I also use/reclaim the word dyke, though my only issue with the word lesbian is when other queers wrinkle their noses at it. Heart |
Queer Stone Femme Girl
Queer-a term that fits better than any other...it's often used as an umbrella term and I kind of like that because that means there's lots of room for different flavors inside that one identifier. Stone-because I choose to partner with Stone Butches and Transguys and because their sexual boundaries of what touch is acceptable and what bits not to touch fit with my sexual boundaries of what bits I'm not touching as well as how I prefer to touch the bits I do touch. Femme-ever notice that femme ends with 'me'? Girl-maybe it's because I didn't get the childhood I think I should have or maybe I was just born this way, but I'm all girl, inside and out, good, bad and ugly. It's inside me as surely as the molecules that carry oxygen throughout my body and just as necessary for existence. |
I'm a middle aged athletic lesbian.:new:
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Lifelong Stonebutch..."I'm on the right track baby I was born this way".
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I am femme because I am feminine in appearance and manner :)
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I am Queer. I was born Butch; it is who I am, it is what I am, it is how I dress, it is how I look. I feel Transgendered; a mix if two things that come together to make me unique.
Queer is my umbrella term out in the every day world; Trans-Butch around these parts since I don't have to explain myself to people here. Y'all can just call me G. :winky: |
Grown-ass unapologetic *Tomboy*. Why? Because it relays things at my core that have remained steady and true throughout my life- though at times (like decades) I have tried to shun/hide/smother pieces and parts of these things due to my own life experiences and that resulted in un-examined internal misogyny.
After self examination in the last couple years, self work on so many things OTHER than my identity, after scraping off the shit and allowing parts of myself light that I hadn't seen for decades... a cocky hardcore Tomboy remained... lol. The only part of me (in relation to these particular identities) I believe innate, and who I can most clearly remember always having been... if that makes sense. I could technically still claim butch, I am very butch (the adjective) inside still, my relationship has the yin yang of the dynamic... but for me in Tomboy I feel more "freedom" for integral parts of me, though not unheard of in "*butch* more unusual no doubt... and the conglomerate of them tip the scales in my mind. So it's honestly (for me) it's just more accurate in that it describes better and encompasses my personal *fluid-ness* being comfortable all in one vessel. I have strong masculine traits and also strong feminine traits and that works great for me... I enjoy both, they are not at odds in me but seamless and natural. Did I break the rules because I spoke about not id'ing butch? I did it b/c I did ID that way for so long... or maybe because I'm a rule-breaker at heart... oh well... either way I have breakfast to make and a truck engine to play with... in other words, life calls... you can punish me later. ;) |
I'm a girl, a woman, gay, lesbian and femme.......why? Because gay and lesbian were the only two adjectives known in small town NZ.
I'm grew up a girl, I'm now a woman and identify as a femme. |
I'm a working class (manual laborer) butch dyke.
I'm a daughter, a feminist, an artist and a recreational soccer player. |
I am a woman identified Butch Lesbian.
Why? Because I was born this way..it is my soul, my fabric of who I am, and I can be this! |
Thank you for this thread...it is actually something I have been giving quite a bit of thought lately.
The relevant parts of my standard self-ID (long version upon request:) are: Queer Leather Femme Queer: I find 'queer' to be more expressive and encompassing of the way I live my life, and more aspects of my life than just my sexuality. "Lesbian" never sat right with me. Leather: My leatherwalk is an integral part of how I live my life, and with whom. Femme: I am comfortable with my assigned gender, although I'm certainly not High Holy Femme - don't have the stamina nor the inclination. I'm a feminine, low-maintenance femme. And I don't pay too much attention to the artificial boundaries between gender roles, although I do tend by nature to stay more on the 'feminine' side of the equation. The word I'm mulling over adding is Stone. (Queer Leather Stone Femme). I've been reading and doing research, and there is apparently a lot of debate over definition. Plus, I've been slammed in previous relationships many times over how my sexuality works, so there's a lot of pain and 'un-learning' to deal with. But what I've learned so far goes a long way to explain things...and explain them a LOT. Too bad it took me so long (I'm 50) to look into it.... Anyway, great question, and thanks for posting it. |
Lesbiana Femme
Lesbiana~ I am latina through and through lol Femme~ I know no other way ;) |
Human
TG Butch male ID'd. Human resonates more with me than ever. |
I'm a gay woman. Hadn't thought about it before coming to b-f sites. It was just who I was. I've certainly learned a great deal about our community and the various I.D.'s since I came here though. Especially since I fell in love with a butch woman. However, gay, or queer or lesbian.....it's not necessarily the most important part of my identity. Of course that's probably in part because I've never lived anywhere where there's been a sizable gay community.
Sue |
Cool thread. I've been thinking a lot about why I identify the way I do lately, and increasingly I'm finding myself feeling a bit indifferent as far as my identity, but at the same time feel like it becomes clearer every day. It makes me wonder what role it plays in my life.
I identify as queer, stone butch and transguy. The first I see as my sexuality, the second a combination of my gender and sexual boundaries, and the third my sex, but all of them a bit of a mixed of meaning for me. As far as my queer orientation, the reason I identify that way is very similar to the reason given in the OP, as far as it's ability to mean both nothing and anything/everything. Queer for me means very little about the gender/sex of the people someone chooses to fuck, and more to do with a detachment from a heteronormative framework so that anything flies. I don't see queer as something necessarily opposed to any other sexual orientation, but something that is so open-ended that it is pretty much inclusive of anything...and by that nature is non-heteronormative even if some under the queer banner choose to replicate some aspect of it for the shits n' giggles, or somehow incorporate some similar aspect into their relationship. The important part, to me, is that lack of restriction and ability to be anything without worrying about maintaining an image of what sexuality should/shouldn't be. I also see it as an important show of strength and unity politically/socially, as far as working together with others that count themselves a part of the queer community. Queer means having a community that doesn't exclude you. I see stone as representative of my sexual boundaries, though I'm not sure how I feel about calling them boundaries. I feel like if they were boundaries for me, then they would be impeding me or restricting me, but I don't feel that way. It's just another marker of sexuality...which kind of leads me on to butch. Butch to me is both about gender and sexuality. For me (though evidently not for everyone) it's about the dynamic I enjoy in a relationship, and a dynamic that isn't really predefined the way I see it. On the other hand, it acts as my gender, too. Gender for me has kind of become a "how do I feel" vs. "what do I find desirable" kind of deal. I've kind of become disenchanted with masculinity/femininity as far as using them to define myself, personally, and I don't feel either fits me, whereas butch feels right on all accounts because it doesn't have to depend on either of those words. Its another one of those words for me that can mean a million different things to a million different butches, and no one ever has to (or at least shouldn't) worry about living up to expectation. There's no butch "archetype," and so there's no pressure to be anything but yourself. It's greater proof that gender isn't as black and white as the mainstream world would have people believe. It also allows my gender to be completely detached from sex, because butch has nothing to do with other people's thoughts on my "biological sex," nor even my thoughts on my own sex. It just is. My trans identity is both related to the way I view my own sex, as well as the need I feel to pursue obtaining basic rights/protections for trans people. I feel that it's necessary for me to be visible as some form of trans identity in order to help gain certain rights for myself and other trans people in Canada. I also view my sex through the lens of "trans." I prefer trans alone, instead of tagging on any suffix to it, because I really don't feel like I'm going from one gender or sex to another. I just view it as a way of differentiating me from other sexes. I identify my sex as transmale, which I view differently from those born XY and assigned male at birth, as well as those born XX and assigned female at birth, and who agree with those sex assignments. I also don't see my sex as dictating my gender in any way whatsoever. More and more I feel its ridiculous for me to continue to view my sex or gender as dictated to me by non-trans people who see trans people as a "threat" to their own sense of normalcy. |
When I first came out, I just called myself Gay. That was back during the days of "Gay Liberation" before the Women's Liberation movement & feminism swept up those of us who were lesbians. Then I called myself a "Dyke" & sometimes a "Queer". Even in those days, I never gave up my mascara;-) & sewed flower appliques on to my denim overalls, and my lovers were very, very Butch. It was so very uncool to acknowledge Butch & Femme, though, so we didn't even if we were. Eventually, I came around to just being my fabulous High Femme Lesbian feminist self & owning that ID in the context of my personal life.
To me saying lesbian implies a woman who loves & is sexually attracted to another woman. Which I am sort of, but when I am totally honest with myself about who I'm attracted to, it isn't just other women. Rather, I am very specifically attracted to those who run so much of their female masculinity that they really are 3rd gender, i.e. neither male or female gender, but both in one female form. Though none of them have wanted to be men, they are rather strongly male identified while still being female & wear all male clothing down to the underwear. I am not attracted to men. No. It is the male energy in female form (female masculinity) that gets me going. So, to me that is something other than just being a lesbian, it is being Queer. I am attracted to 3rd gender females. My current partner IDs as Boi & uses alternative pronouns. I am friends with other femmes, be they in female or male bodies. I am friends with some straight women. So though I am very Femme in appearance & dress, I've been a career woman my whole adult life. I am fiercely independent, never wanting or needing to be financially supported by anyone else. For a long, long time I was in managerial positions due to my intellectual & clinical ability which in some ways is very male like. I've owned my home for a long time. So, all in all Queer seems more appropriate. |
Transexual Male (FTM)
plain and simple |
:moonstars: I usually identify as a femme dyke, femme, because I'm girly and I love my butches in their boxers and baggy jeans, and dyke because (a) I like the sound of it and (b) it's a word that tends to make people pay more attention... make people uncomfortable. You say lesbian and men go straight to the last porn they watched with two women with fake tits making out, say dyke and they're mind has less tendency to wonder.
Recently I've been contemplating changing to Queer Femme, because queer encompasses all that I'm interested in. If I were to date a FtM, or just someone who identifies as male or carries on in life with male pronouns, I feel like I might hurt their feelings by walking around calling myself a lesbian or dyke, because I'm not with a woman, in some amount of mindset both his and mine, I'm dating a man. Yet I'm sure as hell not identifying as straight, queer just covers the bases, and its a comfortable place to be for me. I say this because a friend of mine identified as lesbian for the longest time, began dating another friend who's FtM, she had a huge identity crisis within herself over whether or not she was still gay or accepted by the lesbian community for being with a "man"... very over dramatic, but I still understood where she was coming from in a way. I'm the kind of person to avoid drama and awkward situations, and Queer does that for me. I hope my rambling made sense. Its late and I'm about to crash. <3 |
Tricksters anyone??
Identity is tricky for me. I have always thought of myself as a red fox, ever since I was a little girl. Growing up in timberland gave me many opportunities to study foxes. I love being fox. I have nutured my fox self for close to 45 years.
Shamanism has been my gig for many years and I love it. My practice is exceptionally masculine allowing for my face to shapeshift during ceremony or healing work my inner face (male) becoming my outer face (you should see the shock on some of my patient's faces!!). Shamans are in-between persons and have been considered third genders for a long long time. When I first read about that I felt like my floor buckled and someone had reached inside me, turned on a light bulb, and read my soul. I finally fit. I embody third gender from a spiritual perspective. I have attempted to speak of this before in other threads and on other sites. What I have found however, was my claim for 3rd gender was soundly ignored. With a couple nasty PM's. <shrug>. I took it to mean that gender happened for most people in the physical and psychological realms. Where for shamans, it is in our spiritual/physical realm. I identify as a spiritually minded dirt dog for the freedom. I know I am third gender by spiritual right and practice, but it takes an open mind to accept my designation. Dirt Dog though well, everyone who owns a dog knows that they are forever taking paths that others cannot see, let alone smell. And I know that when I go for a walk, no path ever ends the same as it starts. That is me. You see a feminine woman. And I love being a woman, it is a funky gender with a nice bag'o'tricks. But what you see is not what you get. And just because a path looks simple and flat, well as a hiker I know that is soooo not true. As a dirt dog I can be whatever path I choose. Get as dirty as I want. Climb as steep as I want. Go as deep as I want. And always, always find my way. I have learnt through this life that every path leads me to exactly where I need to be, even if I don't know where I am going. If pressed I call myself a Dyke. I love the word. I love the strength of the word. But yeah Fox is my wild nature. Dog is my domesticated nature. Shaman Third Gender is my true self. |
You iz so beautiful...and I like ALL those titles...HOTTTTTT!
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Lesbian, femme, feminist, dyke. 'Nuff said.
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Dyke, Femme, Lesbian, Momi, Daddy, Sister, Friend, Auntie, Aunt, Girly Girl
In interchangeable order |
I identify as a freaky tiger. Why? Because I am of course. I will post a more complete answer when I am not waiting for my lunch.
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Many years ago, I had an ex tell me I was too obvious...she was still in the closet.
I can't change the way I look, talk or walk and don't want to. I like the way I gradually came into my own. I am gentle, I am butch and I am a woman. So, I am a gentle butch woman. I always oozed with tomboy growing up. Played all the boy games and never the girl games. I did like playing house with girls :| I like being seen for who I am and not who you want me to be. Seems we all have some kind of understanding about identity here. Wishing some day the outside world would accept us as we are, labels included. |
Super Femme Lesbian.. for sure!!! :-D
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I like labels-they tell the world, in easy terms, how I identify. Labels save me lots and lots of explaining.
I am: *an extremely girly girly girl-that spider crawling on the floor, someone better kill it/remove it and now! *an ultra femme-I love my make-up, clothes, heels and sparkly things *a bratty BDSM bottom-someone could bring out the submissive in me but they haven't yet But: I am also: *a mother-and happily so *a peacekeeper-I hate when people hurt *a survivor-I am not a victim, or a statistic. :sparklyheart: |
I've ID'd as many many things... an artist, a bisexual, a monkey wrencher, a socialist, a diesel femme, a radical queer, a punk rocker, a student, a primatologist...
on and on. I am a traveller - not in the traditional sense, I'm not romany et al. I mean, my heritage of my blood family not being tied to a single place (ie, wanting to live some place forever) and that I seem to carry the same itch. I am a west coastian of north america - North. I do have that enculturation I take with me everywhere and I cherish that way of seeing the world, dispite the ammount of flack I take for it. I am an adoptee, that is a big part of what has shaped me. It' very much part of my identity as a human social creature I don't have the words to describe the genders I have. One of them is a woman, so I am one. One of them is femme, so I am one. My sexuality is dyke/queer, so I am one. I am also a wife, which I'm proud of because of the long fight behind it. I am a lover of science, that is my intellectual and hearts calling I enjoy mythology and philosophy, especially eastern and I love the enactments to bring my body back in line and joined to my mind and my nature. That has been part of my identity for over 20 years. I am a beloved daughter to people I love very much. I was a sister, to a brother I deeply loved. even though he isn't here any longer to declare my social bond and role with, I still feel "sister" anyway. it's part of my ID. None of these take precedent above or beyond the others. They are all part of who I am. All of my previous ID's that I am no longer were very real and deserved their moment. They were not "false" because they did not last forever. I wasn't "really" a lesbian when I was bi. I was bisexual when I was and I respect that part of my life as it's part of what made me who I am now. |
I like reading all of the different ways we ID ourselves as Queers, Lesbians, Dykes, etc...including those of us who are transgender or transexual. No matter the semantics if it, we are all surely being powerful in the way in which we be human.
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These days I mostly identify myself to others as queer. For most of my life I have partnered with FTM individuals. I never FELT straight, though others saw/see me as such. Inside I think of myself as a lesbian, but I don't have the time or patience for the discussion over "how can you be a lesbian when your partner is male?" Callling myself queer, or gender queer shortens the discussion. Besides I think it is a very powerful word and I like reclaiming it from the folks who have used it to berate us and whip us into shape for centuries.
Yah - I'm queer! Smooches, Keri |
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