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Internalized Homophobia
I don't think there is a thread on this subject.
I remember when, in my first queer relationship (31, I am 40 now), I used to say to everyone (even her), I am not gay!; it is a fluke!; she is special!; I am not REALLY GAY; I am NOT a lesbian! But I LOVE YOU! I was in love and didn't want to claim any terms (at that moment). My first female lover would joke and say...that's ok, I'll be the gay/lesbian one! (reminiscent of tshirts that read, "I'm not gay, but girlfriend is!) She didn't mind my shying away from the *lesbian / gay* terms). I think that was me..trying to still be *straight* and laying all the *queerness* on the hands of my first lovers without having to do any work/acknowledgement, etc. I didn't want to say...I am GAY/LESBIAN/and/or QUEER, and I think that is wholly due to internalized homophobia. I thought of this subject from a poster (I am sorry, I cannot remember who!) who said something about Cynthia Nixon...sounds like this is her first queer relo and she doesn't want to reallllly admit she is gay..something like that...). Does anyone have issues with or comments about internalized homophobia? Where do you see it? Has it affected you? |
cool thread!
i'm always curious (pissed!) when the self-hating Gay has to build a life around his self-hate and rally christians, parents, teens, republicans to fear and hate 'the gay' until such time that he's outted in a men's bathroom, airport, etc... why can't this kind of self-hating Gay just keep his self-hatred moderately contained--why do they have to work their shit out on a BIG HUGE platform of homophobia?!! this, i don't understand. |
I remember feeling very uneasy for a while when I was coming to terms with my sexuality. I suppose I took the loing, scenic way around though. Straight to straight to...oh, look a whooopsie...to straight to maybe I'm bi to I'm bi to what's this...to oh, look, this is who I am.
Peachy. Except that wasn't the end of it. Every now and then a feeling pops up and I have to examine and acknowledge it and deal with it accordingly. I'm not sure if I will ever be 100% free from the i.h. thoughts, but I definitely deal with them in a more appropriate way now that I am older and, hopefully, wiser. |
I don't think I have any internalized homophobia since I have been openly gay since childhood but it seems like we all must have some so if I do I would like it to be ripped out mercilessly, for my own good. :)
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bumping...
I was just perusing the threads I started, and I thought maybe others might want to join in on this discussion.
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well I certainly have experienced internalized homophobia throughout my years, but no realizing it until it smacked me in the head
like, I didnt realize it was really homophobic of me to think I had to not shave my legs and wear a gender neutral haircut and wear potchouli in order to be a lesbian, instead of wearing the lace bras that I loved, and shaving my legs and underarms and wearing my hair long and adorning it with bows and baubles. It was homophobic of me to think I had to date only women who wore gender neutral haircuts and those who wouldnt be caught dead in wife beaters (NEVER to be called them) and men's jeans and boots. No, I as a lesbian denounced women who bled patriarchy into our lesbian land like a hemmorage. I was a true lesbian.... I was not experiencing homophobia when I swooned over the incredibly handsome FtM that winked and swung on his heels and sauntered over to me at a pride picnic and bought me a coke. Was I crazy? He wasnt GAY, my lesbian friends told me! He was a man...a mutilated, disfigured,mentally ill crazy bastard who wanted his cake and eat it too. No, he wasnt welcomed in our lesbian land. They linked their arms in mine and walked me away from him as I looked back sadly at the most handsome person I had ever seen there... shit no, I never experienced homophobia... of course I did...I went thru all of that. And more. I would love to say I didnt let my friends pry me away from the FtM...but it happened. But it never happened again, after I went home and found out all about the damn politics around it...I was PISSED when I realized the fuss they made about it. Never again, I vowed. And never again, was right. And yes, I did go thru the PC period where I thought I had to be andro to be a lesbian and being femme and butch was wrong. It damn near killed me. It made me sick inside. I had to throw off the andro uniform and put on femme clothes to find me a butch so I could be true to myself... coming out is hard...and it was really hard back then...and it was even harder the decades before I came out...I dont know how they survived it then. I just watched Oprah show today about her shows on coming out. People had written her and said they had felt they were the only gay person in the world until they saw her show on coming out. Good GOD. Can you imagine that? IN THE WORLD? People said they hated themselves for being gay. Parents said they wished their child had never been born because they were gay. OMG. We are so lucky, arent we? |
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Two years after leaving said relationship... I am happier and more comfortable with who and what I am than I ever have been. I'm more out today than I ever imagined I was capable of being, including in the workplace. It's very empowering to finally feel like I'm in control of my fear :) |
It's a big problem in the community. I see it all the time.
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