Changing last names
 

Amanda and I were in bed the other night. She was lazily stroking my pit hair and said,"Hun, I've been thinking." I got scared, and she smiled,"Baby, don't worry, we're still getting married." I calmed down and asked,"Then what is it?" She told me,"When we get married, I'm taking your last name." I smiled,"Amanda Thompson does sound nice."

So, did/will you or your SO change their last name if/when you marry/have commitment ceremony?

That's really terrific for the both of you...
In the islands, I had 5 couples that are my friends, and they all did legally change their last names, be it to their butches last or their femme's last name. And only 1 broke up years later. It's not legal to marry in Hawaii so they did the Holy Union style. They complained of it being costly, but they did what they felt best for their needs. Wishing both of you happiness and congratulations!

I'm thinking "de (insert his last name)" sounds good ;)

tantalizing says that if we marry/civil union, then she will take my last name. :)

This brings up and interesting line of thinking....I DO want to take Teddy's name when we get married....but then I will have a different name than my children. I suppose, their being both girls...its inevitable that this will occur at some time...I guess it would be silly of me to hold on to an old name for this reason. And truly, I dont have a name to go back to that's really mine....long story there....
';

no way
 

my last name is too awesome to give up.

Well, since my partner (Justin) and I both have the same name, (Lisa) it would be even more confusing if I took her last name.... Haha! People can barely keep us straight now.... Butch Lisa or girly Lisa!? Haha :-)

And all hell is still breaking loose after trying to change my last name back to my maiden name after my divorce. So no, never changin my name again. I might not even go back to my maiden name. Not sure. Ugh. The headaches of name changes. Just say NO! Haha :-)

I hope she would but not a deal-breaker....
 

I've thought about this a lot actually....

In my family's tradition, we each get a new name as we cross the threshold of adulthood. After a lengthy period (years) of spritual work etc, we relinquish our "baby" names to embrace one which is more fitting of who we are as adults. (but really, your Grandmother is always going to be calling you by your baby name so don't even think you're gonna escape that! Yes Gram I'm looking at you....) Some family members have elected to have this be their new legal name while other family members use this new "adult" name only among family and during ceremonial occasions.

My name is as unique to me as my fingerprint, it fits me perfectly. I hope my future partner would consider taking my name but it's not a deal-breaker at all. We each have different cultural traditions and opinions about names and certainly I respect Hers, whatever they are....

Having said that, it would be an immense honor if she chose to share my name. It's only in the receiving, that the gift is given.

A number of years ago I worked at an actively feminist agency. A straight woman got divorced from her husband, bought a new house and got an advanced degree all in the same year. These were big milestones in her life and she decided to have a naming ceremony/party to celebrate.

She invited people and instead of bringing gifts folks were to bring new names for her to consider, both first and last.

At the end of the night she chose both a new first and last name for herself and legally changed her name. She chose something with a feminist flavor that also "seemed" like her.

Pretty cool.

D and I have discussed this a little bit, and haven't really come to any decision yet. I would be open to taking her name, only with a hyphen to mine.

I first got married when I was 16 yrs old. I was married to him for 27 yrs. When I married my second husband, I took his name. When he and I split, I wondered what name to change to.... my maiden name? I didn't know that girl anymore, I had been so far removed from HER I wouldn't have recognized her if I saw her on the street, you know? Then would I change it back to my first married name? That didn't seem to make any sense either, even though that was my 2 son's last name. But they were adults, so that really wasn't an issue. So I decided to just stay with my name I had from husband #2. I was used to the name.

Now, 11 yrs later, I have a business, and a career, and an identity of ME, with "that" name. I have kinda just grown into it, and it is just ME.

So when D and I get married next year, the question is whether I will just retain my name different from hers, or take hers, or do the hyphen thing. I think we need to discuss it more. I do like what someone said in an earlier post here about having something to give that no one else can give (paraphrasing). I would like that, I think.

APG

my sweet nephew, when he married his wife, took her name and she took his and they hyphenated them. Legally. Everyone was so pleased with this!

After my divorce, I kept my married name so my daughter would not have a different name than I.

When I was married to my butch husband we talked about taking names. Instead, he took an internet affair and away he went...

I am not in position to worry about taking anyone's name but I do still have my "married" name. My daughter is married so why do I keep it? Like someone said, I have a business, several degrees, etc that have that name and I have indeed grown into it.

But I also want to not have that name. I havent decided WHAT name I want. I cant remember the girl I was with my maiden name. In fact, my first name has long been forgotten and I go by my nickname, so all of that name is gone.

I chanced upon my nickname...I think I need to chance upon the last name too

IF I were to get married...I would take my SOs last name..but he would have to take mine too. So...I need to know what that is...lol

I loved what you said here, Little Fish, thank you. I couldn't have put it any better.

I just want to explain why I feel the way I do:

I am a hispanic (latina) queer stone femme...I prefer partnering with a TG/FtM individual. I am from a very culturally submissive background (in my world/region/family). However--

I come from very activist parents (Chicanos ala Gloria Anzaldua)--my mother a feminist, my father a union organizer/steward--but that's another story...trust me, I am NOT a pushover...I am a strong, smart, honest, opinionated, independent, loving, amazing woman...I will not lower my head nor my standards for anyone...I do what I want, how I want, when I want, (hopefully in a very fair and loving way, but sometimes not)...

When I marry I would like to give something very precious and important to my partner. Not my power or voice, but my heart and my commitment to the relationship.

Even if I didn't partner with masculine identified personalities, and I chose to be married/civil union to someone other than that, to me--I would want to retain my own heritage/culture/traditions while adopting those of my partner, even if he/she is not of the same culture.

So, the hyphen comes from my consenting to take his name as a partner to our union--a gift of myself to him. He is my other half at that point, hence the hyphen. Half me, half him...

We live in MA, so I'm 99% sure all we have to is indicate our "married name" on the marriage license.

I still have my married name, which I only took so I would have the same name as my children it meant nothing to me. I was not property, it was just easier to have the same name.

My children are grown and are taking on new names. I have kept my last name because I would not go back to my maiden name. And quite frankly I like the energy of my name, it is who I am.

I changed my first name a few years ago so I know the importance of names. I know what it means to change your name and thus your identity.

I never thought I would change my last name again.

And then... something changed.

For the right person, a person I decided to share a family with, a life with; if their name was important to them I would change. I would gladly take their name and share a common bond within our family. It would be our commitment to each other, to our family, to our lives together.

Yes, I will gladly take your name.

I would love to change mine to Glass; George Glass.

There are a number of partriarchal cultures in which women are viewed as property -- as most cultures do -- but in which wives do not change their names.

There are few commonalities among those that do or that don't. So the custom itself does not consistently MEAN anything.

One take on it could be that in cultures where women do change their names, they were more openly welcomed into their husband's kinship group. They were not simply a necessity of exogamy, strangers brought in and tolerated in order to produce the next generation.

I don't subscribe to this theory either. Similar behaviors mean very different things in different cultures.

Yep, you will. If you're keeping your "maiden" names, just write it in.

It was important to my wife and I that we share a last name. However, since neither of us any reason to be committed to our fathers' names, we chose one for ourselves at random. No muss, no fuss ...

I am legally married to my ex> we have since broken up .. I did take her name . after 17 yrs of only having a commitment ceremony it seemed befitting at the time. lol stroking ur pit hair .. details that r private yes ?

my last name came from the person who adopted me when i was a child. that adoption saved my life so, no i wouldnt change it. (not that it's much of an issue in my life! :D )

Changing names lol

My family, and friends from my childhood, call me Missy. Besides ruddebegga, my mother's "pet" name for me lol, I was only ever Missy (or Malissa Jane!! when Mother was ticked at me lol). As I started to have nieces and nephews, I became Aunt Missy. After I turned 18, to me, Missy sounded as "babyish" as Johnny would to John or Andy would to Andrew... so I TRIED to get people to call me "Malissa", my given name.

They just didn't get it LOL

So, when I realized I was gay, at the age of 30, I came out, in a rather big way... and all in one fell swoop. As my circle of friends grew and my "chosen" family began, I began introducing myself as Lissa, shortened from Malissa.

One of my sisters really struggled HARD with that! She said, "Mom called you Missy, she would be upset that you would change that." I asked... soooo, she called you Susie and now everyone calls you Sue...??" That, apparently, was different LOL. She came around. None of my "given" family call me Lissa, I am still Missy, Aunt Missy and even Grandma Missy, but they have accepted, fully, that my expanded circle of friends and chosen family, call me Lissa.

Having said that... my last name, which is special to me, would be hard to let go of. However, given the way I was raised, what I believe and how I feel about it, I would gladly take the last name of the person I would share my life with. Not because I would feel "owned' nor that I "belonged to" but because it would, in me, evoke a feeling of "belonging WITH".

Just my long winded 2 cents worth... :)

hhmmmmmmm

Seems this question brings up a whole bunch of hetero-normative crap........

Femmes are the ones talking about taking the last name of their partner. Why is the assumption that femme should change/hyphenate her name and not butch/tg/trans/man/masculine of center/_____ changing/hyphenating their last name?

I will not change my last name under any circumstances. I also would highly object to anyone I marry taking my last name. The name change thing is about transfer of property and people are not property (or corporations....snort). I also would not hyphenate my last name, but I am unsure about her using a hyphen....probably not.

I can relate to this so much. My dad adopted me, and his decision to do that forever altered the course of my life for the better. It would take a lot for me to part with my last name. Plus, I'm a big fan of alliteration, and it sounds nice paired with my first name.

That being said, I don't see harm in taking a last name. When you marry, you create a family, whether or not there are children involved. And it's nice when that family shares something like a name. But it's a personal choice thing.

I think celebs have it best. They use one name professionally and one personally. That sounds like the most attractive option to me.

Marriage is a long way off for me; I still have an empire to build :)

i think creating some kind of hybrid last name so you both could get new names would be cool

When I got legally married to my ex, I took his name hyphenated with mine so that I could have a name connection to our grandkids who we were raising. It really did make it a LOT easier -- people just don't question your connection when you have the same last name.

A few tips for those who are considering it:
-- if you get legally married in a state that allows legal marriage, you can get your name changed at Social Security even if your state does not honor that marriage
-- whether or not your name is changed with social security doesn't mean squat if your local laws do not recognize your marriage: Some local laws only require a ss name change to then get your driver's license and other stuff changed, others refuse to honor it. Interestingly, spouse and I were both able to get our drivers' licenses changed while our state still considered our marriage illegal, probably because we went separately and we both have names that could possibly be used for someone of the other gender (spouse's far less so, but considering that he has a spanish last name, they probably assumed that any country that might name their son Jesus might also name him _____). But other same sex couples were turned away.
-- IF you are turned away from getting your DL changed and are told that you need a court order, after you have your SS name changed, fight it up through the state government. Several couples were able to get the state to PAY for the costs of getting their court-ordered name change.
-- Do NOT assume that you know the rules for a name change based on old information or the info from another state: Every state has different laws and procedures.

Fortunately, when my state finally started recognizing out of state marriages as civil unions, they also made it so that we can use the local courts to get legally divorced, and made it so that name changes can be requested with a marriage OR divorce... Since I won't be allowed to maintain any legal relationship with the kids (other than grandma with zero legal rights), I'm taking my own name back. :(

Just to clarify: If you get legally married in a state that allows it, you can go to your LOCAL social security office, in your own state, even if your state prohibits same-sex marriage.

I have changed my first and middle names in my lifetime. The first name change came about the age of 14. I was named after my mom and I was so not that. The name I began to use in junior high was not a feminine sounding name. I remember my grandmother said to me, "You could at least spell it with an "e" at the end of your name to make it more feminine. That name stuck.

Upon my transition I changed my middle name which was the same as my chosen first name. That is when I took Greyson. I still have my legal junior high first name.

As for my surname, I would never change it. I am a chicano. Half and half really. Sometimes it feels like this is my only connection left to my Latino heritage and I will never let go of it.

For me it's more about how you personally feel about it..i wouldn't feel like property if i took the name of my lover..and this doesn't feel like a bad thing (since I'm his & he is mine) .. it's all relative..we are here for a short time and so if it makes you and your lover happy then do it or not..life has enough built in rules no need to make more..(imo)

I echo this. I would never insist on it but it sure would make my heart swell up if she wanted to.