From George Takei's FB...
 

I missed this
must have been on hiatus
sounds interesting
never too late for a good idea
I'll give it a shot.



The waves fall like joy
taste like tears
feel like life
I need more
than a memory

Holly!!

I've missed you!!

How about some of your excellent bad writing?!

Please?!

Hoping to inspire, once again...this one is so bad it is fabulous!
 

The 2013 Contest Winner:

She strutted into my office wearing a dress that clung to her like Saran Wrap to a sloppily butchered pork knuckle, bone and sinew jutting and lurching asymmetrically beneath its folds, the tightness exaggerating the granularity of the suet and causing what little palatable meat there was to sweat, its transparency the thief of imagination.

— Chris Wieloch, Brookfield, WI

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2013win.html

Tah Dah! I new I could come up with some bad writing! Really bad....
 

To encourage everyone (and myself as well) I am bumping the thread with the 2014 Contest Winners.

I hope that reading some of them, will inspire us to once again write some terrific and very original, bad prose or stories! We have some wonderful writing talent right here on the Planet!

:typewriter:

Winner

When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose. — Elizabeth (Betsy) Dorfman, Bainbridge Island, WA

Elizabeth Dorfman of Bainbridge Island, WA, is the 32nd grand prize winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest thas entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels and takes its name from the Victorian novelist George Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who began his Paul Clifford (1830) with “It was a dark and stormy night.“ Although Lytton did not originate the line, he exploited its familiarity to begin his novel, as have several other writers who followed him.

In keeping with the bignitude, high dignity, and general importance of the competition, the grand prize winner receives a pittance (about $150).

Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award

As he girded himself against the noxious, sulfurous fumes that belched from the chasm in preparation for descent into the bowels of the mountain where mighty pressure and unimaginable heat made rock run in syrupy rivers, Bob paused to consider the unlikely series of events that had led him to become the Great God Vulcan’s proctologist. — Stan Hunter Kranc, State College, PA

Winner: Adventure

“Listen, Control!” snarled Captain Dan McMurdo across the ether, “I’ve got one engine shut down, the other running on fumes, a seriously wounded co-pilot who won’t last the hour, fifty-three refugee orphans down the back, and a nun for a radio operator, so turn the goddam landing lights on goddam pronto – sorry, Sister.” — Gavin Dobson
Runner-Up:

As the foeman’s axe descended, Ragnar Thorvaldsson thought – quickly, but with uncannily prescient anachronism – that his paltry contribution to this raid would not be recorded in the great sagas, or even a minor tale, but at best he might be remembered centuries hence only as “third oarsman” in the Boys’ Own Book of Viking Adventure Stories. — Paul Dawson, Vancouver, BC, Canada
Dishonorable Mentions:

Finally after ninety-seven long days adrift Captain Pertwee was rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun dried Haddock which was actually far ghastlier than it sounded what with George Haddock being his former first mate. — Phillip Davies, Cardiff, U.K.

Winner: Children’s Literature

Justin was happy, like a clam at high tide, but abruptly ending his musings he recalled that he had every reason to be happy (in his own small way) because he was a quahog and it was the highest of tides, and he squirted with delight. — Mike Mayfield, Austin, TX

Winner: Crime

Hard-boiled private dick Harrison Bogart couldn’t tell if it was the third big glass of cheap whiskey he’d just finished, or the way the rain-moistened blouse clung so tightly to the perfect figure of the dame who just appeared panting in his office doorway, but he was certain of one thing … he had the hottest mother-in-law in the world. — Carl Turney, Bayswater, Victoria, Australia
Runner-Up

Hard-boiled private eye Smith Calloway had a sinking feeling as he walked into the chaotic crime scene, for there, as expected, was the body dressed in a monk’s habit; there was the stuffed cream-colored pony next to the crisp apple strudel; there was the doorbell, the set of sleigh bells, and even the schnitzel with noodles – all proclaiming that the Von Trappist Killer had struck again. — Joshua Long, Harrison

Winner: Purple Prose

He was a stolid man, prone to excessive and extended bursts of emotionlessness; but when Maurice loved, he loved with the passion of a dog itching its face against the grain of a firm pile carpet. — Stephen Sanford, Seattle, WA

Runner-Up:

The air-conditioner hummed like an over-sized bear eating a large salmon he’d fished out of the water and if you’ve never heard an over-sized bear eating a salmon, just imagine an air-conditioner humming and you’ll know. — Bobby
Tessel

The young lovers’ lips latched to each other not unlike the way in which two coital snails would, with much slime and suction, frothing as if someone had just poured salt on them. — Peter S. Bjorkman, Rocklin, CA

His ex-wife’s personality was like chocolate – not the smoky, tangy, exquisitely rich and full-bodied type, but the over-sweet, tooth-cracking, factory-processed, made-with-vegetable-oil kind that leaves one with diabetes and an aneurysm the size of a grape. — Shalom Chung, Hong Kong

Runner-Up:

It was a dark and stormy night, as it would be for the next 23 years on the world of Lo’soun, a lop-sided planet that rolls around its axis like one of those spinning tops kids have, and for the next 23 years the brave space colonists would have to live without light, warmth, or the screaming, car-sized cicadas that only come out in the summer. — Matthew Hannum, Glen Burnie, MD
Winner: Vile Puns

Pet detective Drake Leghorn ducked reporters at the entrance to the small hobby farm and headed down to the tiny pond where a lone goose was frantically calling for her mate and he wondered why – when so many come to look upon the graceful mating pair – why would someone want to take a gander?— Howie McLennon, Ottawa, ON, Canada
Runner-Up

Six months old, and already their love had picked up memories like lint, which, now that Maddie thought about it, was appropriate, since she and Brian met at the laundromat, when Maddie found herself hampered by a stubborn washing machine coin slot, but then snickered at the thought of being “hampered” while doing laundry, and then found herself explaining her snicker to the nearest laundromat patron, who turned out to be Brian and who, better yet, turned out to have a sense of humor even, well, dryer than her own. — Kirsten Wilson

It was cool but muggy – I was schvitzing like a mohel at his first bris – and one thing was for certain: that Rosetta Stone course in Yiddish was worth the gelt. — Kelben Graf, Milwaukie, OR

The beginning of an affair is like fresh bubble gum, pink and delicious; then the middle is like when you take out your chewed gum and play with it – kind of diverting but prone to getting cold and sticky – until finally you’re back in the unfunny cartoon wrapper headed for the love trash.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2014win.html

*Bump*

It's been a couple of years and we have some new folks.

With all of the pre and post election misery; how about using some of that inspiration to get those creative juices flowing again?

Give it your best shot for some original bad prose or stories!

As bad as you can make it!


In case you need more inspiration:

The 2016 winner:

Even from the hall, the overpowering stench told me the dingy caramel glow in his office would be from a ten-thousand-cigarette layer of nicotine baked on a naked bulb hanging from a frayed wire in the center of a likely cracked and water-stained ceiling, but I was broke, he was cheap, and I had to find her. —
William "Barry" Brockett, Tallahassee, FL

Runner-up:

Her grandmother had mopped her brow with the same antique kerchief for twenty years whilst working in the barley fields, and now Anastasia was to wear it on her wedding night knotted into a baggy loose panty; while her lover Anatoly would wear his father's ancient gray and tattered undershorts tied around his neck to honor the old village custom of marital odor-blending. — David S. Nelson, Falls Creek, VA


http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2016win.html

PS:

Thanks to Truly Scrumptious for the reminder!

Thanks Anya for bumping this thread!

You're right, I miss bad writing stories and could use a good laugh, lol!

Last year's winner from Tallassee, Florida was terribly funny, but I could definitely relate to the part about "being broke, he was cheap, and I had to find her." And ....the color of the light bulb . LOL (or not).

As he stood there, trying to figure out which tactic would get him the chance to say he was sorry for hanging up on her or not looking her in the eye while lying about what exactly he was up to, when recently claiming that he missed his ride or couldn't find a ride (neither excuse really was working), she skillfully placed the smartphone on speaker-phone, so he could hear the sound of a certain melody with clarity:

Silence Is Golden.


:bouquet:

Bad Haikus ROCK!


Huge, wet, brown dog eyes
Beg the question of the day
Will there be cookies?

**Bumping*** because surely, we must still have some very, very, bad, it is SO good, writing waiting to come out, don't we?

That sentence was pretty bad...

I just gave you a little push.

After years of being the healthy individual she had always been, Maggie suddenly found herself staring at the endless bottles of prescription medication on her kitchen table.

Maggie had just been released from the hospital the night before, after having an attack of the shits. In Maggie's mind, Maggie kept cursing the doctor who kept putting her on medication after medication, to get to the bottom of the continual problem of having to visit the toilet more than she ever did in her life, before the Wheel of Medication turned her life upside down.

Remembering her latest fiasco of having accidentally shit her panties at the doctors office and how the stool lab came back with an less than normal outcome, Maggie complained to her doctor that he was going to find himself in a shit load of trouble if he couldn't get her on the right medication to prevent having to take a shit every hour on the hour.

Unfortunately, much to Maggie's chagrin, the doctor said, "Oh, Maggie, you're just full of Shit!"

Staring at the doctor, Maggie replied: "You're too late, I'm not full of shit!"


................. ............. .............

(This story is based upon an real life experience. The names of both parties are kept anonymous for the sake of anonymity)

( :blush: :| :giggle: )

Bad Haiku 7-5-7 (reverse order haiku)
 

I couldn't find the Bad Haiku thread, so I thought I'd post my bad haiku ditty here, today. It's about my dumb 'smart' phone and the litany of typos I see, after its too late to correct my typos. :blink: :| :blush: :giggle: :eyebat: :bow:

Ode to my Dumb "Smart" Phone

Every time my fingers type (7)
Correct words to say (5)
I see typos way too late (7)