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Halp! I never developed gaydar and I need...

some help. well. "need". I don't need, but I'm busting to know cause I fancy her. But I have never ever needed gaydar before. But what to do when someone reads like either a very athletic jockular lad-like straight woman, or a very butch flavoured lez that just doesn't ID as anything.

She's my Remedial Massage senior instructor. Bit drill sargent like, cocky, funny, show-off, takes the piss, etc... works with two british olympic teams and has a body of solid wirey muscle and hands that can do unbelievably magic things, holy crap.

I posted it in my blog to field for some advice on gaydar but I want to field here:

Link to my blog clicky. But also posted below

Quote:

This is a new experience. I have never, in my life, wondered if someone was gay or not. As in, never. This is because the women I like, it's pretty damn obvious they are lezzos. Women I am not interested in, I couldn't care less if they were gay or not.

However, I have been presented with someone who is confusing me because all of the external signals are there, but because she's a long haired sporty type, she could go either way. And I can't tell if she's casually flirting with me or if she's one of those straight girls that is macho and just flirts with everything that moves.

She's chirpy, cocky and friendly, lots of eye contact, takes the piss in class; she's a great massage instructor. She knows I'm a lez. Comes over and sits with me and blabs if I've sat down on my own to look at something. It's nice having someone friendly and interested teaching.

Not that I'd be able to do anything about it, nor do I think she'd be interested if she were, but I still wanna know.

Things that may or may not be gay

- I was trying to set up a table. She came over and said "no no barb, you don't throw the table. Here, look... when it's on it's side, you put your foot here, to brace it, then pull. Like that. That's how I pick up my motorbike..." and then she slowly ginned at me in that cocky way I personally experience butchdykes flirting. I blush. Ugh. Why on earth did I blush over that comment? How embarrassing... but straight girls could grin this way to, no?

- She showed me her arm muscles and flexed them to show me a demonstration of "tonicity" - she is a piece of solid wiry muscle. I had managed to just raise my eyebrows and smile and not break into a sweat.

-When I was on one of the couches, she came over to help my partner with her handwork. She picked up my leg, rested it against her stomach, which was rock hard yet nicely soft... erg... then showed a demonstration of how you can take a calf and sit it "nice and snugly between your bits (breasts) and work it like you are playing a chello. How does that feel, Barb?"
"Um. yeah. nice. very nice. yep" her hands are like fleshy slender hammers covered in velvet. Please put my leg down.

- "One thing I want you all to know. yeah? I don't go on the couch. Never. I don't get done, so don't even suggest" followed by heh heh looking cocky smile. My stomach did a very strange movement. I'm reading into that, can't help it.

-As she was demonstrating on the other instructor... she glanced at her relaxing and she dug her hangs in until the tutor said "UHHGH" in' that pain-pleasure type way and she grinned and said "that's what I like" and laughed in a sadistic, commanding fashion.

- As I was packing up to go, she was walking past me and I looked up from where I was crouched over and she was looking down at me, she then grinned and winked at me. Still, inconclusive. Some people are winkers.

- She was showing me all of her "hyper extending fingers" and her double jointed hips and I was giggling and smiling like a fuckwit and her assistant teacher walked past and said "don't laugh, you'll just encourage her."

Gay? Not Gay? Flirtatious Macho Straight girl? How does one tell these things? None of these things are bona fida dyke behaviour. She reads like a cocky dyke but then again she doesn't. How are you supposed to tell? I've never bothered before to hazard a guess, as I've never been confused before. It doesn't actually matter, she's my instructor, but I want to know.

Tell me your techniques for honing your gaydar cause I don't really have one. Got gaydar? Tell me how! I've tried to pick up 17 year old boys thinking they were dykes and missed dykes that I thought were 17 year old boys... it's faulty.

It there a litmus test?

you do recall how much I absolutely friggen adore you!!!

Imagine ( and I am sensing that you perhaps can now) how us butches feel, in that wondering.. "is she? isn't she?" .. smiles...

From what you have shared.. whether she is or isn't.. she IS interested. Does it really matter if she spikes a 9.2 on your geigercounter? I mean... really? The direction things are going with gender/ sexual ambiguity, it won't matter in 10 years... so.. be a trendsetter!

Have fun with what your heart/head/ loins are being led toward... You have nothing to lose, other than.. opportunity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jess (Post 583704)

oh yes, it completely corsse dmy mind this is how butches feel. which is why when one bothers to flirt with me, I give "FULL STEAM AHEAD SAILOR" type signals. And also why I do things like hold eye contact, grin like an asshole and wink while showing as much boob as is possible without my nipples leaping out. So far that's been enough. Though I am very much often the one asking them out. So. as much sympathy as I've got... I've always been a clean reading!

ner.

well I can't do much, she's my instructor for the next 10 months on my master's level remedial massage. And I can't screw it up by attempting to get doinked by my instructor. But it's a nice crush to keep me interested in the school when it gets hard. And fabulous to ask her for "tutorials" when I need "extra help"

I wish my personality didn't smash on the ground in front of her. ugh.

deedarino: ok... why? give me some solid reasoning!

awwwwwwwwwww..... even more endeared.... smiles... hang in there lady! :rrose:

[QUOTE=honeybarbara;583709]

well I can't do much, she's my instructor for the next 10 months on my master's level remedial massage. And I can't screw it up by attempting to get doinked by my instructor. But it's a nice crush to keep me interested in the school when it gets hard. And fabulous to ask her for "tutorials" when I need "extra help"

When you wrote that she was you instructor, I paused for a moment because it brought back some memories for me. Red flags went up. While in my PhD program I had an Professor flirt, touch me and even kissed me once. It was not something I wanted from her, she was my Professor and had control over grades and possibly pull with my committee. Since it was something I did not want and did not cultivate other than being an nice, honest, out trans person. I felt she took advantage of her position as faculty in my department. The situation did not go well and others got involved.
I guess all I am saying is wait for your 10 months to be over. If she is truly interested in you she will wait as you seem to be willing to do. (she doesn't have a say in your program of study does she? that could be a major problem) I know that relationships to occur between faculty and students. I just wanted to let you know of a story that may be different from yours, but the power inequality is still the same, Professor and student. The student has more to lose than the Professor especially if the Professor is tenured. Take this for what it is only a cautionary tale, and good luck with the Master's program.

I concur with Deedarino... GAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

I also concur with Julien... get to know her and develop some sort of rapport beyond the sexual tension. If you're pals-ish in the next while, maybe drop a hint in a few months? If it lasts the next 10 months, good luck to you. :)

No worries J, I'm 42. It's oxford. I've been through uni before with a crush on one of my profs.

if she did snog me, it wouldn't be unwanted. However I think both of us are old enough to know much better and I know all about power imbalances. She does not mark my papers or my exams. she is the clinical hours assessor and the clinical trainer. I know what she has the power to do (or undo).

I'm not looking for someone to be "truly interested in me" who has only known me a few weeks. I obviously don't have a bloody clue who she is - so it's just lust.

I do appreciate the warning, love. Sincerely. it's nice that you are concerned.

But like I said - I'm not going to risk an education I've taken a massive loan out for at the top Remedial Massage school in the country that I busted my ass to qualify for to toss it on a shag with a hottie - after all, more than likely it wouldn't last and then I'd still have to face her at assessments and clinical training. fun. not.

but I still don't know if she is *actually* gay. That's the question!

what do you think? is she??? isn't she??? why??? why not???

anyone can play... cmon I wanna hear some reasons! or hey ask me questions you would need to know the answer to in order to answer it, like "does she listen to bad women's indie rock" or "does she own a cat" or some such nonsense.

She did tell me that I was naughty and my nail polish had to go. and gave me a stern look. yum.

Quote:

Originally Posted by genghisfawn (Post 583772)

I concur with Deedarino... GAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? what bit looks gay?? help me deveolp gaydar!

how does she know you are a lesbian? you could find out if she is the same way she found out you are.

this is the perfect time for that universal code word. i haven't come up with one yet LOL.

from what you have told, she does sound rather butch. but the biggest thing i sense is an over active ego.

when she talks about picking up her bike. when she talks about not getting on the couch. sure seems like a butch lesbian to me.

if the timing were right, you could say, "hey, i'm all up in the kool-aid and i don't even know the flavor." wink, flirt like she does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybarbara (Post 583775)

Who cares? She's got her eye on you, it seems.

For the record, my vote is 'gay/queer/etc' as well as being a Top.

I'm not going to tell you my reasoning, though it is superb, I promise.

Why not just ask her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by blush (Post 583814)

Why not just ask her?

Agreed. It feels a little distasteful to speculate based on a few actions or outward appearance. It's no different than speculating on a tennis player's orientation because she "looks" butch or femme. Get to know her and you'll find out everything you want to know.

Ask my senior instructor and assessor of a high end institution if she's gay???

I think I'd be told "why the hell is it your business, exactly?" and then given a hard boot.

I got pressups this morning for merely forgetting my pen.

And I *am* distasteful!

I actually had a similar question about a physical therapist once. I was in a relationship and so my speculation was idle, but appreciative. She seemed flirty toward me until she found out I was a lesbian. She was flirty with straight girls. She had a boyfriend. She walked like a stable-boy. Eventually I heard through the itsybitsy lesbian grapevine there that she'd told my friend's girlfriend that she thought she might be gay but she didn't know.

Anyway, even if she's a lesbian, she may not be out or may not have figured it out. I had the pleasure of spending 6 weeks in Oxford once. It totally threw off my gaydar. All the men seemed a bit gay and all the women too. I think people put out different signals to some extent from region to region and culture to culture.

Actually it's similar in Texas - we have a lot of masculine straight women here who are straight or who are at least living straight-looking lives.

I don't find it distateful to wonder if somebody is a lesbian or not. And I agree it wouldn't be appropriate to outright ask (in your specific situation). I think I'd try to enjoy the not knowing for a while. She does sound flirty to me though.

I think that it's a delightful guessing game to keep that part of your brain off wanker until you pass your course..

I think, that after you are graduated.... well, there is the brazen blond femme who know exactly what to do after you are graduated...

My vote goes for HOT....

It sounds like there is a bit of energy exchange and well, reading your discription of her made me wiggle and blush a little...

How she ID's? who knows... but I'd like to be in a room with her...

she is HOT lol

today though, she was extemely caring about my future in a tutor type way and yeah, it's just a game until I graduate.

blog link

Quote:

I got a talking to at the end of the day today about basically being spun out, but she was completely and utterly right in saying so.

If anything, this is going to force me to focus because I have to be completely present and mindful. I am when I'm massaging, that's not the issue. But if I'm to succeed in the way Liz thinks I can, I have to really calm down, focus and slow down.

I've been given a training schedule and told I have to lose weight. Duh, yeah I know. But Liz told me I have to do weight lifting for my stomach, back, thighs and arms. She wants me to strengthen my wrists or I'm going to get damage. She asked me to look at the stomach muscles of the instructors, that's what she wants to see me with (fuck! really?? jesus!). She also told me I'm going to have to strap down my tits. It will help with my back, it will stop intruding on my movements and it will also help prevent harassment at work.
"What size are they?"
"H."
"Well, nice for some things I'm sure *smirk* however, I think in this instance you need a compression bra for massage."
"Yeah, to be honest I'm finding it a complete pain in the ass."
She grabbed my trapezious, squeezed and put a hand across a pectoral. "No. It's no good. you are way too tight from them. You need to stretch your pecs and throw your chest out more. If you have a compression bra I'm sure you'd feel more confident about throwing your shoulders back. You might want to wear it around to improve your posture. You can't be this tight, Barb. It will wind up damaging you when you work."
"ok."
"and I know I told you about those nails. If I see you again with paint, you'll get one of my famous fines -"
"-yep, I just needed to -"
"and I meant what I said about owning you when you are here, got it? So if I see you arriving with no helmet again, you get a fine. I think I want doughnuts. So, no helmet, you buy doughnuts."
"ech. too sweet."
"Hmn, yer sweet enough... *grin*.... doesn't matter, I'll be eating them. Now bugger off and pack up your stuff."

Liz is a horrible flirt but she's a good instructor and I am very glad she gives a shit enough to kick my ass. I feel cared about as her student. I think I kind of needed feeling that. It's nice to know someone is looking out for me in a specific way and thinks I have potential enough to push me.

so yeah, I think Nat, I'll keep it at appreciative. She's looking out for me and for that, I owe some respect of a different kind. By working as hard as I can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybarbara (Post 583698)

Oh my gawd...you are so f*cking cute right now...*chuckle*...this post was pure pleasure, I can so relate to your conundrum...in a way.

I don't think I've ever actually *cared* if they were gay or not, if I really wanted them and could feel that they obviously were feeling it for me too..But, I have been torturously curious at times.
For example: I had a quite strong and sexy (yes, she knew it, and had some sort of otherworldly-witchy mojo running thru her veins) yoga instructor, who once took her shirt off in the ladies locker room and stood right in front of me w/ her lovelies right at my eye level...just a talkin' away..and continuously staring into my eyes until I could feel my cheeks burning right off of my face. :blush:

This was only one, out of quite a few...um curious little scenarios where she would corner me...and where I would jet. I think now, that she thought I was straight, and she enjoyed doing that kind of stuff to me, just to watch me squirm...or to see if I dug her like that.
She also had...and I kid-you-not..a harem of so-called straight, married, female admirers that followed her about wherever she went, while in the gym.

It was quite impressive...this effect she had on women. :daddy:

*chuckle*

I still have no clue whether or not she was or wasn't...or was somewhere in-between. It is still a big mystery..and I'm sure *not* just for me. :sunglass:

To me gaydar is about recognition. We just notice what we recognize. You recognize some things, actions in her (she has some butch style for sure) but her "look" is causing misfires in your brain...lol.

What I see in your description is a person who knows you are gay, and is purposefully sending you "hints" to say...hey look at me. Now she may not be gay, but she is definitely enjoying the ride...

The best part of all will be figuring out why she is enjoying the ride. The next 10 months are gonna FLY by...lol.

If anyone finds an extra gaydar look and see if its mine,I never did get the delivery on it..so clue less.