What do you do to promote visibility/awareness?
 

I love, love my apartment. I live on the edge of a huge lake, have tons of closet space, often feed deer sliced apples by hand right from my little patio. Everything about it is fantastic except the laundry facilities. The place was built in the early 70s and I suspect the washers and dryers might be from the same era so I go to a great laundromat that's about two miles away. It also happens to be right next door to Trader Joe's and I love the two birds/one stone aspect of getting clean clothes and groceries at the same time. Yesterday, as I was putting my fresh laundry in my car, I noticed an elderly woman working her way to the car next to mine. She had a big basket full of folded clothes, having wheeled it out in a cart provided by the laundromat. It seemed she was having some difficulty walking to open the rear driver's side door. I asked her if she would like some help and she immediately accepted. I grabbed her basket, put in on her back seat and told her I'd wheel the cart back inside for her. From my perspective, it was a tiny gesture that cost me nothing; it was just the right thing to do. She thanked me warmly and said, "There aren't many people like you". I don't know if that's true, and hearing her say it broke my heart a little. I made some little joke about having been a girl scout for 8 years and how those things tend to stick.

I pretty much always assume that people read me as a butch dyke. I know some don't because that kind of thing simply isn't on their radar, or as in the case of the old woman I helped, she might not even really know about such things. But maybe she does, and maybe that's part of why I did what I did. It wasn't so much a conscious thought in the moment, but it occurred to me after that fact that if she saw me that way, that I wasn't threatening and in fact was helpful, it might inform her thinking even a little about how we're just like everyone else. I've never been much of a flag waver, I might have had some rainbow sticker on my car years ago, but I want to feel as though I'm doing my part. Regardless of who I'm talking with, I don't hesitate to use female pronouns when referencing an ex. I'm not reluctant to say I go to a barber to get my hair cut, etc. I know full well that those are tiny things but I feel they are significant. Perhaps they are significant because of their smallness. I think I used to think it was my responsibility to get everyone to see and embrace queerness. Youthful arrogance, I suppose. These days (I turned 55 a week ago) I find I'm more inclined to want to bring attention to our similarities. I'm much more in a "We're all in this together" mode. Some might think that makes me a traitor to the cause but I don't care.

How do you go about letting others know about that part of your life, your place in the community, our place in the world?

Thank you for sharing this.

I can't speak for all femmes but for me, it was difficult for me to share my life or who I really was when I first came out.

Whether you are butch or femme, either has its difficulties.

For me, it was the invisibility of it. No one knew I was a lesbian unless I was out with my butch partner. She was very masculine and I could always see the light dawning on thei faces of others when we were out in public.

She would always get the butch nod from butches we might see at a restaurant or shopping when we saw other butches (and I was always a little jealous).

I never got that nod of recognition.

I used to be politically active in the women's and lesbian rights movement. I had a "Sisterhood is powerful" bumper sticker on my VW bug.

Those activities helped somewhat.

With coworkers or others out in the world, I would always get the following, always, always: "I would never have guessed you were gay" and then an entire discussion about it, no matter how matter-of-fact I would try to be.

Or, they would get pissy as though it was some kind of betrayal that I did not mention it immediately.

With bio males, it was even worse. They would hit on me and take it as a challenge to get me in bed to show me what I was missing. I had slept with men before I came out so I already knew what I was not missing. I just was not heterosexual.

As I got older, I did not have to deal with it any more. I still get "Oh, I didn't know that you were gay" but then they add: "That's cool", even if they don't really think that it it really is cool.

Straight men don't hit on me now like they did in my 20's and 30's. It was a relief when that changed.

Aging gives you another kind of invisibility.

Out in the world, I try to be helpful and kind to others. Not because I am a lesbian or that I am trying to prove anything to anyone but because it is the right and human thing to do.

I don't get engaged with people that are angry or resentful. It is a no-win proposition. When I am wrong, I apologize (if I have any idea of what I may have done).

I try to live by the golden rule to the best of my ability.

UK society is, of course, different to USA society, although I'm not equipped to comment on precisely how, as I have never visited the USA. And different individuals will have their own unique circumstances and personalities that dictate how they deal with the issue that Ascot raises.

With regard to my sexuality, I neither hide it nor make a big deal of it. I occasionally find myself in conversations initiated by someone desperately trying to be polite and not offend but deeply curious about one or other of the minorities of which I am a part. I'm good with that - any politely put question that clearly isn't trolling will get a polite answer from me.

But I'm a tad eccentric, and I find this is actually fairly useful when dealing with things LGBT. I used to look standard femme years ago, and folk assumed I was straight, unless they saw me with my girlfriend. Nowadays, even aside from often wearing durable clothing due to being a horticulture student, I'm generally in that andro/vaguely butch with femme highlights zone appearance wise, and there are both Goth and Steampunk influences in how I look, which can vary widely. Folk tend to notice me, I stand out in a crowd - so they see how I behave, and note what kind of person I am, and they remember me.

The staff in the local shops know I'm a polite person and am never shitty with them. A few 'read' me (I'm MTF as well as lesbian), many do not (and some might do but not comment, of course) - none gives me bother, all of them treat me as I would like them to. A small number know I'm lesbian, and again absolutely no problem. What they're interested in is - am I a nice person? If yes, naught else matters to them - as it should be.

I've also been involved with the Human Library project a few times thus far, its purpose being to educate members of the general public on folk who are simply different to them, whether that be ethnically, culturally, religiously, sexuality, whatever. Each time has been quite interesting, with a wide range of folk coming to 'read' (have a chat with) me for half an hour on each occasion.

The only tiresome aspect has been those who assume that my upbringing had much to do with either my sexuality or gender identity, and they're uniformly disappointed when it becomes obvious to them that their pet theories (usually Freudian, damn him!) are incorrect, at least in my case. Although that in itself is a good thing, as it helps to dispel some of the unhelpful myths on such matters, and I can mentally grit my teeth for half an hour to chat to such folk :-}

Feedback from such sessions has been uniformly positive, and I've been lucky enough to have been able to point a couple of folks in the direction of help they greatly needed as a result, too. It pains me that even these days those two didn't feel they could speak to their doctor, but hey, I guess going to speak to an eccentric at a Human Library event is less likely to cause comment amongst their immediate social circle, so it's all good.

Much to my surprise, despite my change in visual style to what it is nowadays, I've still been getting hit on by guys about once a month, which amuses and irritates me in equal measure. On the one hand - hey, I've still got it - on the other - go away guys, and why can't it be women making passes at me, grrr?! (chuckle). Usually the subject of my sexuality doesn't crop up - they just see fairly rapidly that I'm not interested and desist. If it DOES crop up, it generally doesn't cause any negativity, although even when it does, it rarely goes beyond the usual stupidities ("you just haven't found the right bloke" - odd, that!). I have been able to get a couple of blokes to understand that it's whom I fancy, not what they might be able to do that matters in this regard... :-} It's been many years since I've had any seriously worrying moments,though.

Absolutely no problems at college, but that's to be expected, though I have to say, I'm deeply impressed by my young male classmates, who seem to regard me a bit like an eccentric aunt as well as a fellow student, and are very helpful and look out for me whenever anything strenuous is involved (which is welcome, as I am not terribly robust at the moment). I still find myself grinding my teeth and wanting to belt one or other of them about once a week, but that's more to do with them being young rather than anything else! (chuckle). They know I'm lesbian and have absolutely no problems with that - one of them has a lesbian sister.

So, yeah - that's me. I'm visible, because, well, I just am, I don't have the luxury of invisibility (not unless I'm prepared to try to be not-me, and I hope it comes as no surprise to anyone here that THAT just isn't going to happen!), but on the other hand, it tends to be my vague general eccentricity ('alternative style', if you will) that folk notice first, so I guess that probably tends to prepare folk for the possibility that I might be unusual in other ways too. (shrugs)

I think the greater the progress of various feminist threads in society, and the more LGBT people that are visibly about, the less odd and more normal we seem. We go from being those weirdos who exist only for the titillation of others (in some folks minds) to 'Oh, that's my friend, she's cool, good lass, her and her wife' s kid is in the same class as my youngest' - and then whoever the speaker is talking to gets the message that the person being spoken of is OK, acceptable in society, because someone they trust accepts them. So long as we are 'other' we can be mentally labelled as not-people, but when we are 'just people' like everybody else, it's harder for the bigots to gain traction against us. Which will never stop them trying, of course, but lets not make things easy for them, eh?

Do what you can for the cause, but stay safe!

Ascot was talking about life experience living as a butch dyke so how is that an encroachment on lesbian space?

Bolded portions: You complain about stereotypical assumptions about who you should be as a woman and lesbian, then a few paragraphs later talk about having to tell others what lesbians are or are not.

Do you not see the irony/double standards here?

Interesting post, Kobi. I know what you mean about just being oneself, and I feel very much like you on that subject. Ditto being kind to others, ditto misogyny and sexism. I am curious about your comment regarding lesbian spaces, and in particular, the bit about people 'need lesbian to be something other than what it is' - could you elucidate, please? I thought the term lesbian was straightforward and generally understood - a woman that finds other women sexually attractive - and, perhaps it's due to a difference in culture between the USA and the UK, but I've never heard of anyone thinking it to mean anything else!

I think I promote visibility just by walking out my door :) I don't think anyone reads me as anything other than a big honkin' butch.

Yes, exactly. That's what I was getting at. Well said, Esme.

Funny. That's precisely what I feel about antagonistic curmudgeonliness!


Why wouldn't I post this in the lesbian zone? Among other things, I am a lesbian, so yeah...

This made me laugh aloud. I'm sure the same goes for me, and I think it's a good thing. We're just people making our way in the world, no harm, no foul.

That's how I feel too, Dee. I appreciate so much the people who do stand up for us. But this is still the south and I don't think things are quite as progressive yet. Trans people in particular are often afraid of being discovered. It's just the reality.

I feel very visible just walking around too. I think I pretty much fit the stereotype of butch dyke/lesbian, although I also don't think most people really get what butch is all that well.

If someone were to mistake me for being trans, it wouldn't bother me one bit since there's nothing wrong with being trans and someone could look exactly like me and be TG butch or trans and not have transitioned yet or not be on T. Butch lesbians/dykes can look all kinds of different ways just like anyone else.

I'm not worried about keeping some purified version of lesbian alive or being a gatekeeper. I do lesbian my way, you do it your way, and if you don't i.d. as lesbian that's cool too.

Sometimes kids ask me if I am a girl or boy. I tell them girl but don't make a big deal about it (lol it makes me laugh because I definitely don't relate to girl). I also don't correct them if they call me he. They figure it out in their own way, and I love that. I also love being around kids or other butches being around them to give them exposure to different types of people. Kids are fun to play with too.

I don't think I consciously go out of my way to increase visibility but when you are butch I think you kind of do anyway. Mostly, yeah I would like people to see us as regular human beings who work, go grocery shopping, pay our taxes, vote, etc. just like they do.

Its obvious what i am as soon as i walk out the door. I dont wave flags, have stickers on my truck etc. Never felt the need to be more visible in the community.

Thats true we dont have to go around outing ourselves. I know about the femme invisiblity issues as well, my ex's have had that happen to them all the time so i do understand the need for more visibility.

I'm always really out at work, as I am everywhere else, but since I'm a freelancer that sometimes means coming out matter-of-factly, and on a daily basis, to anyone new. I haven't worked with some of the men in this group of macho grips and carpenters before, so It's possible that they haven't heard about the notorious biker-dyke scenic artist yet. (That would be me.) I have bumper stickers, etc, but I've found that those who are looking for information about a person are usually the only ones who notice things like that.

We left work a little early in the midst of an impressive blizzard last Thursday, and two of those dudes were stuck in a car that couldn't make it out of the unplowed parking lot, and wouldn't have a prayer of safely making it down the street. I told them I would drive them back to their neighborhood since it wasn't that far out of the way for me. My Lesbaru did just fine in the deep snow and ice. They joked about me 'saving' them, and we spent the rest of the relatively long, slow drive chatting. One of them is from a Honduran family, and the other is from a Haitian family. Both spoke about how much easier and cheaper it is to live in those places, and advised that I should consider retiring to either place where I could live like royalty on an income that would barely feed and house me in NYC. I said that I might be safe in Honduras, but that I couldn't be safe in Haiti. Since I'm white, I'm sure they were getting uncomfortable with their projections of what they were quite certain I was about to say next. I continued on by saying that the legal situation in Haiti, not to mention the cultural one, is very dangerous for gay people like me. ('Whew!', I heard them think to themselves.) I also told them it would be extremely unsafe for me to travel to Jamaica or Russia right now for the same reasons. They were genuinely surprised. And curious. Then the Haitian American told me that his family had a beloved neighbour in Haiti who was never harmed, and was accepted by all. Of course he never explicitly said he was gay, but they all knew, and it was ok. The closeted gay neighbor never publicly had a husband, etc. I took a deep breath and patiently explained that he was relatively safe because he lived a closeted life, and that 'don't ask-don't tell' sometimes gives cover to homophobes. I further explained that the gay neighbor likely has legitimate fears that if he were to be more explicit he would face backlash and rejection from people who now tolerate him, and that we gay people sometimes find out the hard way that we aren't really accepted after all when we do tell.

I was so proud of myself for being patient and calm. I didn't respond angrily towards them for their ignorance, which I used to do regularly. I was really ok being their source for education on a topic they seemed not to have considered before. So I was visible AND educational. No, I didn't give them a ride home because I was trying to prove that lesbians are cool, but now they both probably think that THIS lesbian is pretty cool.

Yeah, but there's a flip side to not being obviously butch. Was brought to my attention during a conversation about 25 years ago between my ex-husband (obviously ethnically Jewish), my now lover (very butch and unable to hide), and myself (able to blend into straight and non-Jewish crowds, but am gender bent). How safe I feel on my Partner's arm, but is She safe having me there?


If you are a person who can blend in, be aware of the weight those who cannot must carry. In many places at present, it may result in a pleasant acknowledgement. But don't forget how quickly those tables can turn. Wasn't so long ago , 1940s Holocaust and 1960s Stonewall that our sisters (and brothers) were getting their heads smashed in and being gassed.

The political climate of the world could well lead to similar atrocities.
We just need to be aware and know that all is not safe. When will the next Charlottesville happen, and how far will the fascists push it this time?

Well done. I'm proud of you, too. And, thank you for a great post. I think the way you went about it was perfect. It's so easy to be hotheaded and we all know that usually doesn't end well. My goal isn't ever to incite violence or confrontation, but to, whether by action or conversation, convey our similarities and interesting differences and perhaps help eliminate at least a little negative bias and broaden thinking.