Yesterday was two weeks since the incident and I still get nausea and chills at the thought of entering the library.

I am improving in that the physical pain had ended by this past weekend. The doctor said that my hypermobility disorder causes emotional distress to trigger "somatosensory amplification," so my usual hip, neck, and shoulder pain were cranked up to an immobilizing extent in the days immediately following the incident.

BUT i can't read any books! The thought of just opening the library app on my phone gives me palpitations and clammy hands. :(

On the administrative side of things, HR has given me permission to do a written warning, IF my boss approves, but they do not feel moving her is warranted.

I typed up the corrective action form and now i am waiting for my boss to approve it. This is by no means guaranteed.

My primary doctor's recommended course of treatment following this trauma was to take a month off of work and use that time to attend therapy three times per week, and do Pilates at least two times per week.

I will be doing two virtual therapy sessions and will begin weekly in-person EMDR sessions tomorrow. I am seeing my psychiatrist next Friday. I am also seeing an autism specialist and I have committed to a three month Pilates package (expensive af but literally the only exercise allowed with hypermobility)

The Pilates is supposed to strengthen my muscles to the point where they are passively stabilizing my joints. Hypermobility plus my current state of emaciation means that my muscles are actively holding my joints together, and this increases the adrenaline in my bloodstream, which manifests as anxiety.

This anxiety is all chemical and just floating around in there, but it gets added to my PTSD-related anxieties and supposedly that is why i had such an "extreme" reaction to this particular trauma, according to my primary care doctor (my therapist does not consider my reaction extreme, and she was horrified to hear my bully had been given my job)

The thing is, I couldn't start Pilates until yesterday, due to pain, and it will be August 18 before my therapist can add the second virtual session, so I will not actually be in compliance with my treatment plan until the last two days of my month off. I am seeing her again on Friday and i will ask her if she can extend my recommended leave to September 21.

The EMDR therapist's office is near my parents' house, and the efficiency tyrant in me says to kill two birds with one stone and knock out my weekly visit with them immediately following therapy.

Am i correct in my understanding that i will come out of EMDR in a fairly raw state and not be in any condition to deal with my parents, who are implicated in my ongoing trauma?

You don't have to have a sky-high IQ to be impacted by the challenges and benefits of giftedness.

There is a theory that we can only communicate effectively with people inside a 30-point range. Whether you are in the top 2% or the top 25%, there are going to be impacts from that.

Congrats on having resilience, though. I am told i need to get some of that :superfunny:

Quick check-in tonight
 

Yesterday, my therapist and the new therapist shared a 3-way phone call with me, so my therapist could introduce me to the new therapist and so that the new therapist could go over some things that we will continue covering in my PTSD sessions.

My biggest trigger is brought on by those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Both of my parents suffer narcissism (NPD) and three of my siblings have it too. Growing up in a household of competing narcissists (so crazy toxic) and separating myself from the prevailing sick winds of narcissism has been a lifelong struggle. It wasn't until T---p began to occupy the WH that it sent me into escalating panic attacks and escalated the PTSD I have suffered from, most of my life, but just never had a name for it until I had to reach out for help by my primary care physician, which led to me going for therapy for the past two years. When my abusive dad died this past February, I felt nothing except that his death marked the unraveling of the years long competition between him and my mother, but when my abusive father died, my mom has gotten worse and her constant helicoptering, secrecy about her next manipulative moves, etc., has made it hard on me because although I have put a fuck ton of distance between myself and my family, it doesn't stop them or faze them that I don't want to be a part of their sick and toxic behavioral ways that they live and communicate by, with each other (and others).

So, my new therapist asked me to chase down a copy of a book authored by Sandra Hotchkiss:
Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (August 7th, 2002).


One of the things my new therapist has asked me to do is to read the book and then begin a journal of notes about things I read in the book that connect to experiences I have lived through. So that is what I will be doing, until we meet for our first session in September and then for the next six months, we will work on the things I find that parallel my life experience and what I can do to help myself. Before the pandemic broke out, the new therapist I have been partnered with used to run a small group counseling session for those of us triggered severely by the people in our lives who have NPD.

It's going to be rough, like it always has been, but I am determined to overcome and do more than just survive.

Here's an introduction to the type of book I will be reading by Hotchkiss:

I am putting that book on my list. Thanks!

So has Covid messed with anyone else's therapy, etc?

I have not had EMDR since this mess started and we were having such good progress before.

Now, though I have therapy, its just discussion on Zoom and while it does help, I feel like its more like just talking about what I am doing to survive...not getting ahead of things like I was before.

I just feel kind of lost and like there is no way to improve until this mess is over, if ever.

Anyone else feel this way?

My next round of sessions wont start until next month, but yah. The past six months felt like my therapy was more centered around the chaos in our country, by Capt Chaos himself, and others just like him who are hell bent on subjecting others to their own brand chaos.

Not sure how the next six months will go.


Good to see your post today, Apoc. Stay safe and be as well as you can be, sister friend. (f)

Take good care,
~K.:balloon:

Good luck on your next 6 months. Are you still on Zoom or phone?

Ive started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks again. My therapist said no more watching the news, which stresses me out becasue then I wonder what is happening and going to happen. Like I want to know what is going on! You know?

Maybe if nothing else, so I can have everything charged up and my car full if I need to run.

My kittie died and she thinks I need to get another one soon, but what if things go bad around the election and I have to get outta the South. I can't leave a kittie behind.

I hope your therapy goes well! Have you started it yet? :tea:

My sessions begin next month. Which we conduct them via a secured network by phone.

Sorry to hear about your pet cat. Mine passed away this last spring, hard still on me -missing my cat.

Take good care now and be good to you, Apocalipstic.

:tea:

How fast can you get to Neuvo Laredo by car? :hk4:
You and Kitty can have space in our refugee compound. :hk23:
This entire thread is invited! And even if it is not realistic for you, I will paint ya'll the picture so you can use it as a soothing bedtime story :hk36:
(I have alluded to this on multiple other threads so I apologize if it's a rerun for anyone)

• Mr. Jenny has dual citizenship and owns 4 properties in Neuvo Laredo.
• She is already considered a resident.
• I just got a travel trailer for my birthday.
• We can probably put two travel trailers on each property, for a total of eight. Four people can live in each trailer, so that is 30 more people.
• Nuevo Laredo is very convenient! The neighborhoods have multiple bodegas on each block!
• On the block where we have our established mailing address, you only have to walk next door to get milk, eggs, bread, toilet paper, cervezas, etc.
• Our dollars buy A LOT.

Here is the problem: one of the properties is rural and does not have water service. The water is delivered each day on a truck.

When I am fretting about the political worst-case (Handmaid's Tale becoming real and/or white supremacists massacring everyone), I go over this plan in my brain, and instead of worrying about fascism, I worry about that water truck: "Could I live like that? The nice thing to do would be to tolerate that ourselves and let our friends have the compounds in town, but what about my hair?" etc.

Now all of ya'll can put yourselves in that picture, and distract yourselves from Doomsday by planning your route to Nuevo Laredo and hoping you don't get stuck on the water truck compound.

Although what if we could put eight trailers on the water truck property? It's rural and unrestricted. Hmmm

I got the results from my autism assessment yesterday and YEP it's autism.

The psychologist said my autism is very close to fully camouflaged, and that is taking a lot of energy from me and causing physical exhaustion and extreme anxiety.

Another issue with autism is extreme naivete and gullibility. I have always fallen prey to exploiters, manipulators, and narcissists and this is extremely common with autism. We have no defense against it.

So, I have been doing all of this work to treat my anxiety and exhaustion and vulnerability BUT they are never going to change. Surviving at work is never going to get any easier for me. The toll it takes on me is never going to decrease.

My assistant was manipulating me and exploiting me for ten years. For ten years i saw her as my safe person at work. Before i started getting promoted, I would cry to her about my ex-supervisors bullying me. Her friendship was fake that entire time. She was using me to climb the ladder.

My "good" assistant told me after the incident that she goes to church with my "evil" assistant's ex-supervisor, and that lady told her that my evil assistant did this to both of her previous supervisors, too. She pretended to be their best friend until they promoted her. Both of them were also on the spectrum.

She is also in the process of divorcing her sweet, nerdy little husband. I guess he, too, has outlived his usefulness to her.

These fake friendships happen to me over and over, and autism makes it almost impossible to see while it is happening. I just do not feel there are any kind of skills i can learn that will ever protect me. It is just guaranteed to happen eventually any time i am out in the world without Mr. Jenny.

SO

I have decided not to go back to work. Not at the library, not at another library, not at Wal-mart, not anywhere. No job is ever going to be safe for me.

I told Mr. Jenny i work for her now.

She has a lot of questions about that because both of us are on my job's health insurance. I told her we have a LOT of things to figure out!

I am super 100% raw when I get out of EMDR. Not a good time to visit triggers.

Wow, that is a lot of information to receive and process- while being validating of your experiences and helping you to make choices moving forward that are safe and good for you. I'm sure it will take some figuring out but the goal is worth it.

Good for you for figuring out the problem, for getting help, and addressing the problem. You are taking care of yourself - that's what is important. You are very proactive; I have confidence that you and Mr. Jenny _will_ figure things out.

Yep. I tried it and had a meltdown in the car as soon as we left my parents'

PLOT TWIST: Snowpocalypse

Well this has been a huge setback. Anyone else?

About 48 hours after my body accepts that the cold and dark is really over i am going to fall apart.

See ya'll Saturday

It's been a year since I left a very toxic relationship.

It is by no means the longest relationship I have ever had, and yet... the 6 months I spent with this human did more damage than any one thing in the past 38 years.

He is not the only source of my PTSD, but I am still discovering new ways that his presence in my life has changed and effected me. I am scared to let people in in so many ways. I wake up panicked sometimes. I doubt every decision. Still. I know I need a therapist, but living in the boonies on a fixed income makes that hard. Maybe just putting the words out in the universe will help.

For those with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE)
 

Take The ACE Quiz — And Learn What It Does And Doesn't Mean

March 2, 2015. 2:57 PM ET
LAURA STARECHESKI

An ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse, neglect, and other hallmarks of a rough childhood. According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems. You can take the test here.

So, you've got your score. Now what?

First, remember that the ACE score isn't a crystal ball; it's just meant as guidance. It tells you about one type of risk factor among many. It doesn't directly take into account your diet or genes, or whether you smoke or drink excessively — to name just a few of the other major influences on health.

To learn more, check the CDC's ACE Study website. You'll find, among other things, a list of studies that explore the ways adverse childhood experiences have been linked to a variety of adult conditions, ranging from increased headaches to depression to heart disease.

Remember this, too: ACE scores don't tally the positive experiences in early life that can help build resilience and protect a child from the effects of trauma. Having a grandparent who loves you, a teacher who understands and believes in you, or a trusted friend you can confide in may mitigate the long-term effects of early trauma, psychologists say.

“There are people with high ACE scores who do remarkably well," says Jack Shonkoff, a pediatrician and director of the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.

Resilience, he says, builds throughout life, and close relationships are key. Recent research also suggests that for adults, "trauma informed" therapy — which can center on art, yoga or mindfulness training — can help.

Three Types of ACEs

https://i.postimg.cc/cHKcMmbV/aces-1-custom.jpg
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

How best to find and help kids who are experiencing abuse and neglect right now?

Child psychologist Hilit Kletter, of Stanford University's School of Medicine, says that to spot these children, she looks for visible signs of stress to understand what might have happened to them and how best to intervene. Some kids have nightmares or recurring thoughts of a stressful event, she says, or may re-enact the trauma through play. Or the child may seem distracted or withdrawn.

"This will come out at school," Kletter says. "Teachers will tell parents [their child] seems to be in a daze in the classroom, not paying attention."

ACEs Increase Health Risks

According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for various health problems later.

https://i.postimg.cc/jSdP4cWZ/aces-2-custom.jpg
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

Kletter says reactions to trauma are sometimes misdiagnosed as symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, because kids dealing with adverse experiences may be impulsive — acting out with anger or other strong emotions.

"It's something that's very common in trauma: difficulty in regulating emotions and behavior," she explains. "That's why a lot of these kids get in trouble with the classroom."

Shonkoff's research center at Harvard tests interventions that can build resilience in kids who are growing up with adverse experiences — not just problems in the family, such as those the ACE study investigated, but also trauma stemming from poverty, for example, or from the chronic stress of racial or gender discrimination.

To bolster parents, the Harvard team is testing interventions right now that use video coaching to show moms and dads how to engage their babbling infants, using sounds and facial expressions in a style Shonkoff calls serve and return.

Shonkoff says these early interactions — a kind of conversation — have been shown to help children with later learning and literacy. Even more important, they boost kids' resilience, by helping them build secure attachments with caring adults. Research suggests that just one caring, safe relationship early in life gives any child a much better shot at growing up healthy.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-...nd-doesnt-mean

Well, that was depressing.

More on the ACE Scores.

https://americanspcc.org/take-the-aces-quiz/

The quiz score is based on ten types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE Study.

Five are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect.

Five are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a mother who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment.

You get one point for each type of trauma. The higher your ACE score, the higher your risk of health and social problems.

As your ACE score increases, so does the risk of disease, social and emotional problems.

With an ACE score of 4 or more, things start getting serious. The likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; suicide, 1,220 percent.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.
Fortunately, our brains and lives are somewhat plastic, which means our mental and physical health can improve. The appropriate integration of resilience factors born out of ACE concepts — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives.
____________________

And here’s a link to a Ted Talk by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris on how childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXXTLf7oouU&t

The survey failed to address children whose parent put their kids in a psychiatric hospital during the formative years (puberty age 11-14). That is an experience that molds from then on.

Its an experience that can could effect every day and every activity. It effects each and every thought.

No shrink, counselor, religion, god can help get through this. Few meds give release, some street drugs, nothing liquid helps.

Anyone have a severe lack of the ability to speak or do any activity wout significant planning? Spontaneity gone?