The Psychology of Online Dating
 

The psychology of online dating
Face to face dating in general can be very positive, difficult, exciting, disappointing and at times energy consuming. Add online to the mix and you have a variety of factors to add to the list above. I speak here only from experience and opinion. I claim not, that I am an expert of any kind, I am only feeling my way through the experience just like everyone else.
Regardless of identity, most human beings experience dating at one time or another in their lives. There seems to be this interesting stigma (again I speak only from experience) when it comes to dating in the Butch/Femme world.
Again regardless of preferences within the dynamic of Butch/Femme… dating seems to be an “ugly” word. My approach to dating is simple, is to try to connect with people of like interest. If I find myself in a position where I simply lack capacity for investing time in a serious relationship I am very transparent and forth coming about it. When I feel completely open to the idea of a serious relationship, it starts with dating.
I have had the great pleasure of dating amazing women online and truly enjoyed the exchange that we had. I am sometimes baffled by the opinions that I hear of individuals like me. Dating someone is not a marriage certificate, it is simply dating. My approach to dating or choosing a partner has never come from a scarcity model. We all have a lot to offer, and one should simply never settle just because we think this is as good as it gets. The dating pool is a large pool, it’s not this desperate place where one feels that they have to attach to the first person that gives them attention.
I think the process of dating allows you to know the individual, and not just go on the initial infatuation. Deciding to end or continue dating is a big decision that requires a lot of care. Having to decide that an individual that you are dating is simply not going to work out is always difficult and disappointing. A lot of energy and time are spent while dating someone, emotions as well as intimacy have been shared. But to put it simply, regardless of the pain, the loss and the disappointment, isn’t this why we actually date people instead of marry them from hello?
Dating is an exchange, both individuals gain from the experience and if it does not work out, they both feel the loss.
I would love to have a dialogue with others on this topic, so what is your psychology on online dating?

We certainly do see lots of professions of love online and then a little while later some of the same people are professing their great love for someone else. However, I don't think that automatically means everyone is desperate or settling for the first person who comes along.

Everyone goes at their own pace and in their own way.

Some people can know each other for a very long time and barely scratch the surface of knowing each other, whereas other people can have very indepth conversations, correspondence and other means of communicating and connecting where they know each other quite well in a fairly short amount of time. Obviously the more time spent getting to know each other the better and especially in person. But it varies widely.

I think the quality of the connection and communication of getting to know someone is the most important, although time is definitely important too. As I like to say - the proof is in the pudding. I want my relationship to last for the rest of my life so the proof is when it does. I guess I won't know until I'm ready to go, lol.

With long distance relationships it can be very difficult to have significant amounts of in-person time together. A romantic week or weekend is a very nice dating experience but still will not ultimately tell you what day to day life will be like. It is nice when there is a situation when a couple can spend a significant amount of time in person together that lies somewhere in between a date and commitment of living together. This could of course come after some dates. But again it is going to depend on the people's situation. There is no one approach.

dee I agree but you have to be careful about where your glean your information because there is a lot of internet gossip and stuff you hear online about people that is totally untrue. I am definitely not saying you listen to gossip, just saying it can be misleading.

However, yes people often leave trails.

On the positive side, one of the ways I have gotten interested in femmes often is from reading and enjoying their posts. And having a shared history of online community like this one can definitely be a positive and informative thing.

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Will come back to this one. Interesting! :)

Again... interesting!

I do not date online and/or at a distance.

Despite our best efforts... however good or careful we may think we are... there is no substitution for the level of communication ... or the level of intimacy... that comes from looking someone in the eye and/or seeing the expression on their face.

It was established long ago that human beings communicate primarily (read: best) through non-verbal cues. As well as I may think I'm able to communicate my thoughts, my feelings verbally it would be difficult to hold someone else accountable for their understanding of me if we are not (more often than not) face to face.

A quick Google...

Nonverbal Communication

Behavior and elements of speech aside from the words themselves that transmit meaning. Non-verbal communication includes pitch, speed, tone and volume of voice, gestures and facial expressions, body posture, stance, and proximity to the listener, eye movements and contact, and dress and appearance.

Research suggests that only 5 percent effect is produced by the spoken word, 45 percent by the tone, inflexion, and other elements of voice, and 50 percent by body language, movements, eye contact, etc.

I've no idea if those percentages are correct.... but the ratios are about right. The point being... probably 85% - 95% of what's needed to fully understand another human being requires us to be face-to face.



P.S. To be clear ... I will however flirt online... and/or ... at a distance! ;)

Excellent point and observation there. I agree, it's less likely desperation or settling that moves someone from one person to another in a short period of time. Dating online and/or at a long distance carries with it a level of anonymity which can be hugely comforting for some people.

Speaking in general...

Sure, you may have met a few times ... dated a few times... done some other things a few times (;)) ... BUT... the harsh and painful realities that exist when things go south are significantly less when the person doesn't live near you and you don't have to see them again. <--- this "out" if you will ....from the emotional pain ... or just the inconvenience of a breakup ... makes online/distance relationships ... for some individuals... disposable.

You darlin' are... BRILL! lol

I've never used FaceTime and/or Skype and more importantly... thus far... I've not felt a desire to learn. So, until such time as I feel otherwise... you may call me Benedick ;)

"I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster, but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace." Signior Benedick

Please don't misunderstand ... you or anyone else... I'm not criticizing anyone else's love adventure! :)

Online dating's not for me either. I broke up my previous marriage of 10 years due to the "siren" on the other end of the phone. Within 2 years, I regretted my decision and there was no way to reverse it.

Will flirt, maybe meet, but now I guard my heart with an iron padlock.

Told my Partner that I won't even "chat" except in a group. My choice...too tempting late at night and lonely.

I agree with this Lyte, and honestly it seems like most relationships don't last these days - whether they are local or online/LDR. Some are for good reasons I think. For example, my mother stayed with my father out of Christian duty and she was a housewife until I was a teenager. So in the past, I think a lot of people stayed together out of duty and it was what was expected and women didn't have as many opportunities available to them. But today it does seem that people are less willing to work out issues and stay together. Of course it is a fine line between staying together and being with someone who isn't a good match for you. And with a relationship that is mostly online it is definitely very easy to move on to something new.

I want a good match where the person is also willing to work out things with me when there are issues and not accuse me of a bunch of shit and not let me express myself. I don't think that's too much to ask, lol, and going well in that department currently.

A lot of people also just seem to want to flirt and text and play around online or on the phone - which is cool as long as both people are upfront with what they want. But if you are trying to seriously get to know someone and that isn't clear it can be rather disappointing.

p.s. yes dee wasn't accusing you of anything. The internet gossip is thick and yes there are also trails.

I have only dated at a distance once in the last 20 years. That was also "unplanned". We were able to stay chunks of time at each others' houses (two weeks at a time), so I do feel like I got a sense of the "day to day". It just so happened we came together at a time when both of us had things happening where we could have that amount of time together.

I have always had a rule about not dating long distance. I am not looking right now, so it isn't something I have to worry about. But, as Gemme indicated, with FaceTime and Skype, you can get a good sense of the person in their "day to day", unlike prior to these technologies. You can just carry the cell around on FaceTime as you go about your evening, or whatever. You are much more in each others' lives with FaceTime. That was always the issue/concern for me. That, and I wouldn't consider dating someone unless they had an interest in moving to my area.

I agree. My dating pool is not large. As my profile states I am a Dominant Stone Butch Daddy, so just finding someone who complements me on these fundamental aspects alone cuts my dating pool way way down down and that is just for starters.

Also, I live in a town of 600 people in a remote area where the closest cities of any size are 4 to 5 hours away.

However that doesn't mean I operate from a scarcity mindset. I have spent long stretches of my adult life single and always take plenty of time in between serious relationships - usually years. I also know from past experience that it is much better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship or one that is not right for me. I live alone and the closest person to me is a good friend who is 4 hours away. I am very self sufficient. So although my dating pool is small I'm fine with that and will only date or be in a relationship that is right for me.

When I have been single I consider real time and online dating perfectly equal and well worth the time and attention you decide to give it. If you meet someone interesting online I don't believe there is so much difference in what you may know....you either find the information you discover intriguing and have fun finding out more or you find you don't have much in common (your choice, with no worry)...Online may be more preferable because certain qualities you are looking for may be more easily understood...If you are a visual person-you may find it frustrating not to tangibly touch the person you are dating....so this medium would not be your cup of tea.

For me personally, I've always found online meeting ever so much more intriguing and interesting...Touching you tangibly would only excite me if you had already turned on my mind..I prefer to take my time and know well in advance if, when and where I want to go there...

I only dated someone long distance once. I have nothing negative to say about the experience.

It only lasted a short time but distance was only a part of it. No regrets.

I learned enough to know that a ldr is not for me but totally understand how it can work for others.

After that, I absolutely used an online dating site.

I only dated locally. (I will only date locally again).

My recent longer-term ex was 18 miles from me. I really loved it. I enjoyed the easy planning for dates, the spur-of-the-minute dates, "would you like to go to the beach for lunch today? I can pick you up in an hour". Oh yes!

For me, there is no real psychology in online dating other than: honesty and more honesty; being my real, true self with all of the good and bad; ensure that I write an accurate profile because anything not true will be pretty obvious darn quickly; be truthful, too; if there is no chemistry and you know fairly quickly that it is not going to develop.

I have written before that with my recent ex, I did not read her profile carefully enough. She clearly wrote all of the sports and activities she enjoyed but I first of all, was besotted by the handsome butchness of her picture and secondly, the very best behavior that she reflected when we began to date.

She had not written that she expected me to participate in her love of sports or I may have passed.

Who knows? We can always do Monday-morning quarterbacking after a relationship ends.

I should have done more in the beginning but did not. I spent just under 4 years with her and though I moved out last October; I still have not felt ready to date again yet. It takes me a long time to heal and to feel ready to open my heart again. That is just how I am.

By the time I am ready to date again, hopefully, I will have learned from it and will again avail myself of online dating from an identified online dating site.

Online dating sites are the only places that I have found, that I can sort out the butches from the femmes more easily. Speaking of that: I even put in my profile that I was attracted to butch lesbians and I still had femmes respond. Femmes will always be my best friends but I just do not feel attracted to women that look just like me.

Yin and yang, you know!

A final note: I am also struggling with how I would include that I now have physical health challenges that I did not have when I last dated. Do you include that in your profile? Do you tell someone on the first date? Do you wait until you have had a couple of dates? I am at a loss with this one.