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How do you communicate when you're angry?
OK, I've been looking around for a bit to see where I could post this and I didn't see anything. If there's a better place for this question to live I'm sure a mod can move it :)
------------------------ So, here's a shocker. My SO and I communicate very differently. It's usually not an issue. But when one of us gets angry there's a huge problem. I don't say a word. She screams it to the high heavens. ... I did mention we communicate differently ;) She gets in a temper quick. It boils, her mind races, scenarios play out before her eyes and before either of us know it she's slamming doors and yelling. She can't sit with her anger. And the only way she can force herself to express herself, to push past the emotions and find her voice, is seemingly to yell. I'm have a mild temperament. Too much so probably. Many things just do not bother me. But even if something does bother me, I take someone's intentions into consideration and roll it over in my mind before I'll speak up about it -- if I ever speak up. If people yell I walk away and hide -- and probably cry. We're both broken birds with baggage. But how do you communicate if one can only yell and the other can only shiver and cry? My SO said she has a book she read years ago called The Dance of Anger and she's going to re-read it and see if she can find any ideas for us. My temporary fix is if she's going to yell she's going to have to do it in the office with the door shut. LOL. But I guess mostly, I'm curious. How do some of you handle anger? Does anyone else out there have issues similar to either of ours? If so, how have you handled communication in relationships? |
It reall depends on how ths anger issue comes up,most of the time I have a stree strikes and u r out thing,Dureing this time I will usely do my best to see why we have this problem and can we fix it.Then if that dosent work I will simply leave for a while but not before I say my peace as calmly as I can.If its a full on personal attack,im going to ignore it cause it may be for some reason im not aware of and not really the problem,but if the person who did it dosent stop,I want to know why and what gives them the right to do that..if things done change they are out of my life..right then and there.Its a whole nuther thing when it becomes physical,im going to do my best to not let it do that but rest ashure if it is physical whom ever starts it and dosent back off..is in for the whompoing of theire life.If someone messes with my family..all bets are off..it will not be good,they who ever they are, will not win.
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I don't really know what part of our brain or our chemistry controls our temper. I do believe for the most part how we communicate our anger is a learned behavior. We either continue to do what we have learned gets results or we reevaluate ourselves and teach ourselves a better way to display or communicate anger.
It took me years to learn to control my temper and how to direct my anger when my temper flared up. Which in my younger years was often. These days when I am angry, which is rarely, I step away for a bit. Go do something else, wash dishes pick up limbs, whatever. I never engage my tongue when I am angry. Two reasons for that, I am a master at comebacks and anything anyone might say to me in an argument I can quickly comeback and cut them to the bone with my tongue and that is not nice, so I be quiet. The other reason is because anything that comes over my lips can NEVER be taken back. It's out there to be thrown back in your face over and over or for you to ponder over and over why did I say that. The best thing to do is keep quiet and think until you settle down emotionally and mentally. I'm not listening to a bunch of yelling. I'm not deaf. I also would not allow slamming drawers and doors in my home nor throwing things. These things could possibly cause me to lose my cool and revert back to the old stupid me, which would not make me proud of myself in the days to come. The bottom line is I have to live with my yesterdays decisions, every day I wake up. Everyday I have to wake up and decide if I like the man in the mirror. If any morning that answer is no, then probably I was ugly to someone the day before and need to apologize and try to do better. |
I'm the kind of person where if I so get angry, I tend to repress it because most of My life thats what I've done. One of the biggest drawbacks about living at home with my father is that he is very good at making Me repress any anger that I may feel towards him, especially since his attitude is only he is allowed to get angry and no one else is. He has always said that if I don't like what he has to say, then there is the door I can leave. I've had to repress My feelings time and time again, so whether I'm angry or upset I generally keep it inside ~ I know thats not good but luckily after abit of time it goes away
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i completely shut down & withdraw.. and i ask for space until i feel grounded again..
after some time... i'm very hesitant, but i communicate... with arms folded and my discerned self. after a while, when the dust settles, i'm more at peace with myself. however, the relationship between this person and myself has changed. |
I'm the type of person that likes to talk about it right then and there and figure out a solution. That does not fare so well if I have a partner that wants space and time to think about it and is upset with me. I don't like to go to bed angry and upset without a conclusion. The last person I was with would hold a grudge, not talk to me, ignore me, and not be intimate if we had a fight. I hated that, it pissed me off more. Her and I did not do well when it came to disagreements thus our relationship was one of off and on for 5 years and decided that we would never agree anyway. It sucked. I say you have to come to some agreement. I tried to give her the space and time she needed but to feel neglected and ignored just made it worse for me, like she didn't care enough to figure out a solution and talk about it. Then when we tried to talk about a disagreement we each would try to point out why one was right and the other was wrong. Sometimes, old arguments get dragged into the new argument and that doesn't help anything at all and just heaves blows to the other person. I think what's important is just agree to disagree and make sure you each know you still love each other. There is gonna be tough times and disagreements and you have to get through them to make it work. Definitely do not bring up old fights or disagreements and do not, I repeat do not call names or say anything you will regret later.
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I'm a quiet withdrawn type of gy. I don't do confrontation well. I prefer to walk away usually and work my thoughts out, etc. I've always been partnered with yellers and those that tantrum (huge turn off for me)!! I have only had one person that was able to keep me in the moment even though I wanted to pullback.
I was given many suggestions about this with my breath therapist... The one I found worked best for me was to find another means of communication. Writing it out on paper (passing notes)... at least till the angered one can settle down some. It maintains an open line of communication and yet doesn't overwhelm the quiet one. Good luck... it's a tough situation but if the love is truly there it can be worked through. |
For me, I’m mostly fairly laid back – I hate confrontation, but, there are times when I need to release the energy of the anger. I get angry and frustrated with myself at times – I go quiet, cry and want time alone to re-establish my inner balance, again.
It depends on what/why I’m feeling angry – if it’s at inanimate objects that are in my way because I’m rushing and short on time, sometimes I can lose my temper and throw them........Arrggh! Coat hangers are th bain of my life! LOL! If someone has insulted me, is blaming me for something that they refuse to take responsibility for and the fault is entirely theirs, and they are shouting at me, then I will shout back and say what I feel. Being an emotional person I feel things deeply - mostly I just shake and cry. There were a few times with two previous partners where I had to defend myself from physical abuse. I’m not proud of that fact, but, on one occasion I was dragged down the hallway by my feet with kicks to my back – I had no choice but to physically stop her before she paralysed me! It was a bad relationship, emotionally I wasn’t in a good place either and for a few years after these two relationships I reacted badly in an argument. Unless I’m being met with abuse, now, I hardly ever react in such a way. I try to make sure I steer clear of such people. Sometimes I feel so hurt that I can't always communicate how I'm feeling and my anger is that fact - time alone to work through my feelings means I can express myself in a calmer manner when talking. It also usually boils down to is; many people see me as this ‘totally together woman’ who has all the answers – I don’t! I have a lot of life experiences, and sometimes others project their insecurities onto me and expect me to sort all their problems for them – I can’t and I won’t! We all have our own inner demons to battle for whatever reasons and we don’t always handle ourselves and our emotions in the best ways – we’re human and flawed, this is often forgotten . |
I don't express my anger very often, which can be problematic. Usually if someone gets angry and starts yelling at me I don't say anything to them and ignore them. I've gotten pretty good at blocking people out and kind of retreating to my own little world. If something makes me angry, more often than not I'll replay a thousand different scenarios in my head where I do go and yell at a person for what they've done to make me angry. Doing that makes me angrier and puts me in the kind of mood where I don't exactly communicate well (usually short responses and trying to avoid as much communication as possible with others), but rarely pushes me to actually go and do it.
When I do actually express my anger it gets really uncontrollable, probably because it's been boiling for a while. Especially if its a situation where someone has tried to manipulate me. Usually what keeps me from anger is the fact that I often feel sorry for people even if they've done something wrong to me. So I find it hard to really rip into them, because I feel like the only reason they did it is because they have little self-analytical ability and self-esteem. But when I find someone's trying to manipulate me, I often forget any kind of pity. Manipulation is where I draw the line. |
One of my favorite anger quotes
In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.Buddha
Years ago, I took a conflict management for women course for my job. I learned that conflict is inevitable and if you repress your anger or hold it in, it will come out eventually as passive-aggressive behavior. So, I try to get it out on the table and talk about it, keeping in mind the above quote. |
Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.
The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case. When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth. I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast. Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume. I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged. I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty. :blink: |
It depends on who I am trying to communicate with.
If it's my partner, and I am really angry, I usually cry and talk at the same time. A lot gets accomplished. (sarcasm) If I am in a professional setting. I become quiet. Walk away, and compose myself, and my thoughts, so the crying while talking does not happen. Things in between, my non verbals usually let the other person (or people) know I'm excited. My face becomes red, my eyes get big and in general I have more animation. I say what I have to say and I get over it quickly. On the telephone, surprisingly, I maintain complete composure. I had too many years of people doing the telephone bravado stuff on me. I made many mental notes to never do that to a person. Honey gets more flies than vinegar (idiom). It's true. |
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i appreciate your post :) |
after re-reading my post here. i'm thinking "wow, i seem / appear like a bitch."
when i'm not! a part of me likes to get it out in the open and talk about it, while maintaining my sense of self worth, and being in a centered / grounded space. and a part of me does like to walk away, but not for long. i'll usually say "i need to leave the room, but i will be right back." and when i do come back, i'm ready to communicate. i feel better now... :) |
The Quiet Storm...
It has been awhile for me in that I have been single for many years and therefore have no one that is close enough to govern my mood.
However...I have never been one to get angry...but rather...I get disappointed. I do not yell. I do not throw things. I do not utter words designed to hurt as they are left there hanging in our hearts and minds. Never to be forgotten...and unable to be stricken from the record. When at odds with my partner...she would rake me over the coals...and I would listen. When she had her say...I either apologized for my idiotic behaviors...or attempted to defend myself. Regardless the situation...it was done calmly and with mutual respect. Should we find ourselves unable to rectify our turmoil at that moment...I would drive. I would tell her I was going for a drive and would return when my thoughts had been sorted. She knew this and would often hand me the car keys with instructions to 'go think'. This offered me time to allow issues to marinate...and she was amenable to this method. While she sometimes needed to raise her voice...she came to understand I did not and I like to think she liked that about me. I was very lucky to have had one that so understood I was a calm..quiet...thinking sort. She knew I was not one given to overt displays of anger or disappointment and allowed me the time needed to attempt to see both sides of the issue. I understand the differences in which people communicate. I hope one day...should I be lucky enough to love again...I will find one that affords me the 'comfortable argument' (that sounds strange doesn't it?). If not...I suppose I will just have to avoid moronic behaviors and disappointment...in both myself...and her. Should be do-able right? |
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It's weird how two people raised completly different can be some what the same... I was raised in a very restrained household when everything was fine and no one was angry, until they were... Then all hell broke loose... I pretty well react exactly the same as up above... Music saves me and others around me.. Also, I communicate better via the written word... If I can have the time to write out everything then it comes out better... I've really had to work HARD at the yelling business... It invokes some pretty nasties for my girl... So I've tried really hard to modify that particular reaction... I need room to decompress before I can talk more about the hard stuff... It's hard to get that room sometimes... My girl is a let's talk EVERYTHING out until it is all crystle clear... I'm a Let me think about why I feel the way I do and I'll get back to you after I have processed... I'm an emotional creature... What I'm pissed off about MAY NOT be why I am angry... I need to really dig in and find the root... If I react without taking the time to really think about it, well, it's never pretty and alway messy... It takes more work to do damage control than if I just had though about why I feel the way I do and then respond/react.... |
not perfect
If I'm angry, I need time to walk away and sort my thoughts out. Usually the first thing I want to do is figure out whether or not what I'm angry about...is actually worth being angry about. If it is, I need to be able to think it out before speaking about it. Trying to get me to talk before I'm ready will only result in bitchy, passive aggressive comments.
Unfortunately, years of my family telling me I'm "too sensitive" has led to me thinking it's all in my head, so I don't express anger often and frequently when I do, I blow up. This method works about as well as you'd expect- not at all. |
Thank you all for your comments, they were well written and insightful and helpful. My SO and I have such a good thing going. But we definitely react differently with our anger. It scared the bejeezus out of me the first time I really ever saw her get good-n-mad -- I'd never been around anyone who allowed themselves to get LOUD and/or verbal when they were angry -- too many past relationships were the brooding, silent, passive aggressive types.
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Sometimes I have a problem. If it is a trigger...one of my triggers? The dam wall breaks and I react from deep pain. If it isnt an issue ..? I can handle whatever with a cool head.
I am now learning to be less punitive with my affirmations. Instead of leaving a note for myself saying. "Dont say things you will regret" I have one that says "admit feeling vulnerable about something" |
I don't get angry at the other person. I turn it inward and usually hurt myself as I cry and sputter to myself calling myself all sorts of names. There are times I just don't say or do anything. I won't do the ignoring route because that is how my mom is and I know how it feels to be not spoken to or even acknowledged for a day or longer.
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