Any sexual lesbians dating asexuals?
 

I just want to hear from your experiences how you work things out dating an asexual or.. if you are asexual how is it dating someone sexual.

My fiancee isn't really consider stone butch. She likes being touched sometimes but doesn't care for it. She focuses her attention on me during sex. So most of the time I feel like a pillow princess... not that I mind. But I know to her, sex isn't important to her and she sometimes doesn't realize that she turns me on accidentally... and then I get sexually rejected when she doesn't want to have sex.

I lose a lot of self-esteem when I get rejected, and it doesn't help that I'm more sexual than her. Sometimes I just wish I was asexual too, so sex wouldn't be important. I know she tries her best to please me when she wants to, so I know at least she still tries. I don't want to force her to have sex with me when she doesn't want to (it's a turn off anyway). It should be her free will to decide.

How did you deal with it? Are you still together in the relationship? I just would like some advice. It's been slowly affecting my relationship. Also I just would like to mention that I'm in a long distance relationship. I see her almost every month now for 2-3 weeks. The last visit I stayed for 2 weeks, and we had sex 4 times. And... I didn't find it sexually enough for me when she felt that that was enough sex? It makes me feel shallow.

Sorry for the long rambling.

I have no experience with this. But I'm posting anyway. Lol.



To me this situation would require a serious sit down discussion. I'm not sure if you have tried this but it's a suggestion. Because in reality you feeling like this and it being an ongoing thing will most likely damage your relationship if it hasn't already.


Just my two cents.


I'm sorry you have to feel this way and I hope things get better for you.

Hi, Catlady,

Does your partner identify as asexual? Asexuality is an identity like being gay. It doesn't necessarily mean your partner is asexual because they are not having much sex with you. I'd be cautious to use the term asexual before you know how your partner identifies. Here is some info on asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=relationship.html

Yes, she identifies as asexual. I've been on AVEN before :) But I just wanted to post about it in the gay community. Thank you though!

i think the circumstances would be different if my partner and I had been together for several years and she became injured/disabled or depressed and she either was temporarily or permanently no longer able to be sexual. As long as we shared intimacy, I could deal with it.

If it were a new relationship and we had not developed a level of intimacy and depth; I would not want to continue.

Not all partners have the same libido. It can also vary depending on the circumstances.

I think it doesn't matter how it is for other people.

The question for you is if you can accept her, as she is, for the rest of your lives together.

You are just as entitled to your needs as she is to hers.

What I want to know is If.. she Id's as really Asexual.. then does she know what she's doing by playing with your affections? Turning you on and off like that? I don't think so..:|

I've told her before that she has accidentally sometimes turned me on. So she sometimes avoids doing things like making out with me. But most of the time she forgets that I get turned on easily. She is really oblivious about hints... sexual things are just too minor for her, so I guess that's why sexual things don't come to her mind until I bluntly tell her.

Glenn, when you say "playing with your affections" unless I'm reading it wrong it sounds like you're insinuating manipulation. I think it's important to remember that if someone openly says their asexual, that is just who they are, the same as we are not asexual. Now it is up to Catlady to decide if she feels like this is a difference between them that she can live with happily enough or not.

Catlady, I will say that in my experience there's more sex in the beginning of a relationship so it probably makes sense to assume that it will likely decrease over time not increase.

I do not have much experience in dating, so thank you everyone for the advice.

Will I be happier if my relationship was more sexual? Yes. I still love my partner, and I understand she's asexual. If I can find a way to deal with sexual desires, then I can be happier too with lack of sex. We are very compatible but our sex drives aren't. I considered finding natural ways to decrease my libido, but I am not sure if it would be a good solution.

I've been together with her for 5 years, and she is my first relationship. We have discussed about breaking up before if I'm not happier enough, but I really just don't want sex to ruin our relationship.

An asexual "making out" with somebody doesn't seem kosher to me...why on earth would an asexual do such a thing? And in that case, it does seem to me that the OP is being toyed with, to a degree.

There are different levels and types of asexuality.

I have this issue myself. If I become stressed out, depressed or my mind just won't turn off, I don't like someone touching me. It stems from a childhood issue and if I feel like, I am not being supported by my partner, I pull back emotionally.

I was with my ex for just under three years and when it ended, I felt horrible. I blamed myself for eight months afterwards and fell into a state of depression. In hindsight, I will have this kind of conversation with my next partner. I feel that would be an important issue to discuss.

Sit down and talk to your partner and let hym/her know your feelings. Don't allow yourself to get hurt, because the pain isn't worth it.

Zimmeh

I know two femmes that were involved with asexual butches. Neither worked out because sex was very important to them, and obviously to asexuals it is not. They didn't feel sexually desired, it ate at their self esteem. The asexuals did not mean it that way, no more than a lesbian married to a cis guy would mean to lower the self esteem of the cis guy for having no sexual desire for them. The lesbian may very well truly love the cis guy, but not in the way the cis guy wants to be loved and desired. Such is the nature of sexuality.

Both of the femmes offered to stay with the stipulation they could find sex (and sex only) outside the relationship. Both were told no.

Eventually they both left their relationships with a fair amount of upset, anger, resentment, and hurt.

Personally, I think unless you have an arrangement where the sexual person gets their sexual needs met outside the relationship, and they remain in an asexual loving relationship, I don't think it can work. Anymore than forcing an asexual to have sex can work.

Some things just don't work. Differences in sexual identity generally don't unless sexual needs are being met elsewhere.
Two submissives, someone who needs kink and the other is strictly vanilla, dyke and straight guy, asexual and someone with a sex drive.

For some reason people like to think they are "above" sexual compatibilities in relationships. I have zero idea why so many people think it can be worked out (sexual incompatibility) but accept that other kinds of incompatibility are no goes - like one who is happy with long distance and one who is not; one who wants kids and one who doesn't; one who wants to live with their partner and the other wants to live on their own. Sexual incompatibility are about as surmountable as those. In other words, they aren't. No amount of love can overcome certain basic life truths in relationship issues. Love does not rule all. Adulting is hard.