WHAT IF...
 

like everyone else, from time to time, i've wondered what life would have looked like had i made different choices. now, i don't regret anything at all...i'm pretty happy with the person i am (for the most part). but, still, i wonder.

what if....

i'd accepted the placement at west point?

i'd stayed in the military and been able to take the position writing for the stars and stripes?



anyone else willing to share their "what if"?

The truth for me is that IF I had done <insert the myraid of anything here> differently I wouldn't be who I am today! And while I may be a fucked up version of perfection ~ I am me. That has to account for something.....

What if there really IS a sock monster?

What if I secretly liked missing socks because then I can go shopping?

What if UofMan figured me out?

What if my grandmother was my grandfather?

Then you'd be double?

what if my brother had not committed suicide...

this single event has altered my entire life as well as the rest of my families lives. My daughter who never met him wonders if when she gets depressed if she will turn to this family coping mechanism. I pushed my experimental adolescent drinking into full blown alcoholism after his death.

I also would not have gone into mental health as a career. I would not have had the sensitivity and the fearlessness to deal with crisis and violence.

I would have had a brother who would have knocked a few people on their ass for the way they treated me..but not until he would have knocked me on my ass to wise up

I would have had another man to look up to, and at other times, to shove the reality into my face that even heros crash and burn...wait ...I have that now anyways...

If only he hadnt died, I have a very real belief that I would have been the one in the family to commit suicide. I was certainly heading there. He just beat me to it. Because I had to get mental health for dealing with his death, I firmly believe it stopped the momentum for me to try it

how would I have done that to my parents, after witnessing what it did to them when my brother committed suicide...I just couldnt...not any longer...

if only...as momma use to say if only wishes were horses, beggers would ride...

I do wonder what it would have been like to have had him around as we matured...I know I barely knew him because we were 7 years apart. I know I miss him every day.

what if he hadnt committed suicide?

what if...

i'd thought twice about starting this thread as a means to discuss self-examination and decisions we'd made in life?

What if....

Bugs screamed before they hit the windshield?

i used to mimic their shrieks of "help me" before diluting the window with water and wiping, does that count?

hmm..

What if puke jelly belly actually tastes like puke, or the booger one? ~stares @ the bag~

what if I was actually born a Man? {would I have the same friends?}

What if I didn't mean to derail this thread?

What if I thought the only thing worth re-examining WAS my sock problem?

What if I just shaddup now?

good thread, little man. now if only people could resist the temptation to act silly and derail it.

What if I had never moved to Vancouver? (in 2001)

I would probably still be working the job in Toronto that I had, which would be nice because it was a great job (although I do love the job I have now - my current job is the only job I've LOVED since I left the agency I worked for in 2001).

I would be in a better place financially. Up and quitting and moving across the country on the fly really screwed things up for me in that arena. I -still- haven't recovered from that set-back. I was young and stupid then, and had no idea how difficult it would be to find another secure and full-time position.

However: I also would not have met a nice transguy who lived in Seattle (I tried to pick him up at a Mexican restaurant by passing him a note about how much I liked his shoes) from whom I learned a whole hell of a lot about myself. Although, I probably would have figured that shit out on my own or through someone else eventually - and saved myself a little bit of heartache along the way.

Since this guy introduced me to livejournal (among a zillion other things) I would not have met a shy Femme in Toronto upon my moving back to the GTA. This livejournaling Femme introduced me to the funnest group of people on the planet, some of whom I've lost touch with, some of whom continue to mean the universe to me.

Since this guy also introduced me to "the dash site" I would not have met my spouse, Nick. Me and Nick met on the dash site.

Had I not met my spouse, I probably never would have moved to the town I live in now. That would be good and also bad.

I do not love this town, and I get lonely for my life in Toronto. However, being in this town has gifted me with the only job that I've cared about in 9 years. And, of course, it's where me and my spouse have been making our home.

What if they had picked another adoptive family for me, maybe somebody that liked children, I think that would have made all the differance...

i feel a bit silly quoting myself, but what the hell.

had i accepted the appointment to west point, i'd have gone through with the first class of women accepted to the point. if the abuse those women suffered hadn't caused me to wash out, i'd have had an engineering degree and more opportunity to work in a more lucrative field. that would have allowed me to do more for my family. i would also not have had the 8 years with my first partner tha t helped considerably in shaping who i am and allowing me to fully explore my queer identity.

the gig with stars and stripes would have kept me writing and honing those skills. i suspect it would also have led me into photograpy much sooner than i managed on my own.