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Dating vs. Mating
At breakfast today, a group of us over 50 were discussing the type of person we are dating and why. The results surprised me: 1. The type of person one dates when dating for fun is almost diametrically different from the type one would date when looking to mate. Fun daters are looking for excitement, exploration, differences, and variety. Maters are looking for commonalities, stability, centeredness, and monogamy. 2. Within our group, most were looking for fun rather than a mate. Fun was equated with freedom. Mating was equated with responsibility. So, I'm wondering what other peoples experience/preferences might be. |
Interesting, Kobi. I know I have gone into relationships looking to mate. I wanted a long term stable family setting. I assumed who I was with, wanted this also. In fact, I always spend a great deal of time in the courtship stage discussing what we want out of a relationship. Unfortunately, not everyone knows what they want or is capable of achieving what they want. Me included. No finger pointing that isnt also pointed at me as well. Its why I remain single.
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Fun v/s Mater
Interesting thread, Kobi! No matter the relationship I've been in, I've 9 times out of 10 been a I guess what you'd call a "mater"... looking for the one. The one time it was just for fun, it just didn't feel right. I guess that could preclude me from having some fun if I'm not actively in an active relationship. Who knows, maybe I just need to get to know more people and get out there more.
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Great idea for a thread!
When I met my wife I was ONLY into dating... fun, play, sex, no strings... Little did I know we would mate... It took YEARS for me to catch on... Even though I knew I loved her within a year of meeting... We weren't ready to get married until YEARS later. Both of us acknowledge that.
For ME, I think one should date and not necessarily look for a mate. The mating part only comes after a period of time after you get to know each other. My wife and I are truly married in all aspects. If something ever happened to her, and we have discussed this, I wouldn't be interested in another mate. Not at my age. We are a perfect "fit"... and I am not interested in any other... There are too many OTHER things in life to experience... |
Interesting thread, I know that I am a relationship person, always have been. But over the course of the years I have found that at different times I needed different things, and it was this that determined the person I was attracted to at that time.
Now, also being over 50, I find that I would most definitely like the next relationship to be the last, will it be, one can only hope, but if it isn't I know that the parameters of what I am looking for will not change because at this stage of my life, I am looking to mate. I think the difference for me is that the person I'm looking for, incorporates all of the fun aspects of the "date" based on the definiton listed here and all the characteristics I desire in a mate. The key is knowing what you want and what you need and not waivering. Fortunately for me as I write this, I have a wonderful woman in my life our commonalities are many and our values the same. So here's hoping that my journey in one aspect has ended and another begins. |
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I was previously married (for 20 years) to someone who fit the "mate" description. We were horrible together, and not just because I turn out to be a lesbian. Maybe the mistake was idealizing the notion of "mate" and trivializing the idea that commitment is best when enjoyed. |
I think I'm a bi-ater. I can do both dater and mater. If I'm single then I revel in it. If I'm attached then I'm wholeheartedly attached.
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I'm a dater.
My current relationship and my last long-term relationship turned me into a mater, though at the start that wasn't the intent. LOL. Certainly not complaining or unhappy about it, but I rarely start a relationship looking for a mate. I'm just having fun and seeing where things go...and they either go or they don't. |
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*grin* I think that if you go into something, unless it's an arranged situation, specifically looking for a mate, you are setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment. I tend to be a bit of a serial monogamist but I don't go into relationships thinking, "Oh, wow. I've found a husbutch" or that I've found my mate for life. I go into them thinking that I like this person and how they make me feel when I'm around them and maybe it would be cool to be around them more. For me, the more complicated you make it, the worse it turns out. |
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