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Married/Partnered Planeteers - Combining Your Life
So I'm organizing the house today and was thinking about how Jack and I combined our lifestyles when we moved in together and was curious how it worked for other folks.
If you live with your partner, let's talk about the process of combining "stuff", decorating together (or separately), what worked for you and what didn't, etc. If one of you is more messy than the other, how do you deal? Were your routines similar or did you have to come up with a new routine together? Did one of you have a collection that was the bane of the other person's existence? Talk to me, baby! |
We officially combined households almost four years ago. I bought and moved into a small house and then, a few months later, my partner moved in.
We are still figuring out how to work with our stuff. Her's, mine, and our's. We've gotten rid of so much, and yet the basement and garage are still full of things we are having trouble parting with. Boxes of things we might use or need.... Things we can hardly remember we even have, but we *need* them. Our styles are pretty complementary. We both tend toward casual and lived-in. I've always wanted to have my home feel like a vacation house, and that meshes well with Candy's rustic, Adirondack cabin style. I have granted myself the last word on most decorating choices, though, and recently drew the line at putting the bobble head doll of the local news anchorman on the mantle. Sadly, though, he now lives in the entertainment center. We got him when we contributed to an animal rescue foundation, so he apparently must stay. The most challenging thing about moving in and getting rid of stuff has been the awareness that it makes the possible task of untangling our lives much more daunting. Not that we want to do that, but I am acutely aware that this can happen, and the separating of stuff is as traumatic as the separating of people--it's kind of the metaphor. |
Poor Goof got hosed with a femme, a child, 2 guinea pigs, and 2 cats.
My favorite quote is when he announced, while staring in horror at the skirts, "I grossly underestimated the amount of skirt hangers we would need." Our tastes and lifestyle are shocking similar. He just finished a gorgeous loft bed for Fuz, which promptly got painted bubblegum pink. Other than that, we like similar colors and styles. |
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Notice I said in theory. We do have very different styles, in just about every area. I'm more matchy matchy and neat and tidy and he's more it's there and it's good. He's less concerned with house chores than I am. I'm anal retentive about...everything. I have tons 'o stuff (I'm a sentimentalist.) and he is more minimalist. I'm very...particular....about things in general and he's still got some fratboy in him. As laid back as he is, I'm wound just that tight. Most of the time, we balance out pretty well. Sometimes, we don't. When I moved in with him I tried to not mess with his stuff too much as it was a lovely butch cave, but it just became a THING with me. For example, his dishes were displayed on a short bookcase and his kitchen cabinets were, literally, empty. That ate at me until I finally said I had to do something about it. He gave me the go ahead to do whatever I needed to do to feel comfortable. :blink: A few days later, after pulling out every box in the apartment and repacking and reorganizing things....both his and mine....washing all the dishes and putting them into the cabinets and putting general STUFF on the bookcase (as nature intended it to be)....beginning the slow blend of his and mine into 'his and mine and ours' because some things are just inherently non-blendable....rearranging his furniture a few times....and so on....I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. It's far from perfect but it's fine for now. Both of us are really excited to be moving into a new place that will be ours, chosen by both of us and, hopefully, have enough room so that we can have common areas as well as our own 'space' to reenergize. Two solitary (aka privacy and personal space loving) people living in a 300 sq ft apartment is not an easy achievement, but I think we're doing pretty damn good thus far. |
When BB first moved in with me, I was living in a one-bedroom rent-stabilized 4th floor walk-up in a quirky building (to put it nicely) in NYC with 2 cats. BB was living in a large condo in Boston, with a cat and part-time with a teenage son, Jacob. About a year into our relationship BB was headhunted, and we decided to grab the opportunity sooner than we'd planned because the job (in LGBT philanthropy with a much admired lesbian feminist boss) was just too perfect and too available to pass up. We already knew we were on the "forever" track so it made sense in that way too.
I think the hardest part of moving in for BB was that the apartment was so much my style, and I think it's hard for the one moving in, even if given space, to really make it a true 50/50 reflection of both people. Also, BB is so normal, and I am so not! I was sleeping using old curtains as bedding; I had hooks on the walls for my clothes and was using the closets for craft supplies; and BB opened a cupboard hoping for storage space and a realistic, life-size rubber arm that I'd found too incredible looking to pass up years ago tumbled out. I was and am the more eccentric one! The biggest change I think BB made was to normalize the environment a bit. BB also had to adjust to living without space, and I, with less space. We had a tiny kitchen, and the living room was turned into Jacob's bedroom, which was great because it had a door. However, it meant we literally had nowhere to eat meals, so we'd eat in bed. Have you ever spilled hot and sour soup in bed? It's not a pretty sight! Sleep was another big issue that we had. I am an insomniac, and BB falls asleep easily. We both snore, but BB is a heavy sleeper, so my snoring doesn't bother him; however, I'm a light sleeper (when I finally fall asleep), and BB's snoring would wake me. I'm also an anxious type, and in order to fall asleep I need to be listening to something that distracts me from my thoughts. When BB first arrived, I was listening to loud stand up comedy on headphones (think: Sam Kinison), and I'd literally be giggling, which BB found annoying as hy was going to sleep. I thus switched over to rap music which BB sometimes had to ask me to turn down, and finally I've settled on true crime books on CD. I wear ear plugs and noise reduction headphones, and thankfully it's worked out! The building we lived in was very strange to begin with but then the synagogue in the basement began doing construction, and our building was literally shaking on it's foundation. Water was pouring through the ceilings; we'd wake up to new cracks and chunks of wall falling out; and once the door frame shifted overnight, and I had to call the police to let me out of my own apartment. Our horror of a residence even made the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/09/ny...ty/09shte.html . BB wanted to move, but I was insistent that DAMN IT, IT'S RENT STABILIZED- WE CAN'T MOVE! It took BB breaking down in tears and telling me I could stay here if I wanted but hy was moving out to get me to admit that maybe it was time to go! We found a great 2nd floor smaller co-op apartment a block away, and so I put the cats into my bubble coat, and we walked on over and moved in! Of course, BB was right. We have a daunting thirty-year-mortgage but we also have somewhere in which water doesn't shower down onto our bed as we sleep. This apartment was also better for us because it feels much more like our style instead of just mine. We started out with some issues but were able to work most of them out. For instance, I have an extensive collection of Bratz dolls (similar to Barbies but with more ethnic variance and more of a bad girl image- Bratz girls have been around the block). When we moved in, while BB was sleeping, I set up my Bratz dolls sitting everywhere: on bookshelves, counters, window sills, etc. BB woke up and was immediately horrified! Hys word came down, "This is creepy! I cannot live with the dolls looking at me from every direction!" We settled on a built in bookshelf being their one hang-out, and BB's pottery went into the other built in bookshelf. Similarly there was the issue of my arts and crafts supplies. BB said that hy didn't want hooks with scissors and tape hanging off the wall in random places like in the old apartment. With our limited space, we designated one corner of the living room/ "Jacob's bedroom" as my "office" with my desk and hooks galore, and the opposite corner is BB's "office." Basically my side looks like the habitat of a kindergartner with ADD, and BB's corner is that of a dignified older Jewish man (Did I mention BB's menorah collection?). There is a stark contrast, but it works for us. Luckily Jacob is off at art school himself, so he doesn't have to be in the middle of this too often. BB and I also have a lot of different kinds of friends and interests. My friends tend to be... more colorful. BB likes pleasantly entertaining movies, and I like depressing documentaries. We find some common ground, but we also are both very cool with doing things on our own. What's nice about living together is that we are always at home together at the end of the day. I make dinner for us every night, and BB kindly lets me know if I've made something edible (I like very spicy vegetarian, and BB likes mild varied types of food.). Then we go on our computers and chat back and forth from our corners. My favorite part is ending the evenings cuddling and laughing together in bed. It's funny how after nearly six years together we still have issues come up. BB had a sudden breakdown recently about how the kitchen is disorganized: "I can't find anything!" It had never even crossed my mind that a kitchen could be organized or that there'd be any benefit to it. I never separated silverware and stored all the foods and even plates and cups randomly. Well, I had to bite the bullet and organize so that BB didn't do it, as I realized I wanted to retain more control of the kitchen. In doing so I began to understand why people do organize kitchens. For instance, I was able to see that we had a ridiculous number of bottles of ketchup (which I hadn't been able to see before because they'd been spread out), and wasn't it quicker to not be reaching behind chips to see if there happened to be a glass. I am grateful for BB in so many ways! :) |
I didn't get *hosed* with anything. What I did gain was an amazing woman I'm madly in love with, an awesome child, 2 hella cute guinea pigs and 2 great cats that make me sneeze to add to the 2 small moose that take up more room in the house than they should. lol
More often than not, when one of us finds something for the house, one will say "I love that" and the other will say "OMG, me too!" The pictures on the walls are a blend of hers, mine and ours, as is the furniture that inhabits most rooms. I have learned though, that one can never have too many skirt hangers. I'm a lucky guy. |
It wasn't a major adjustment for us...We were fortunate in that Lisa & I have similar tastes in furnishings and decor....I think the biggest challenge we faced was finding a city that met both our needs....I need to be by water in some fashion...It's in my blood....In Lisa's case, we had to be a driving distance to her family.....
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Kasey and I are very similar when it comes to decorating styles; less is more, and it has to be warm and inviting. Kasey LOVES to entertain our friends and family and I go along with it because I love her; I'm not very social except with a few close friends.
If we buy something new for the walls, we usually consult each other, and if we really HATE something the other likes we put it in our own "space". Mine is the kitchen and all my "gadgets", and hers is her office (she works from home) where her current system of filing papers includes piles all over her floor. When we both worked away from home we shared the chores, but now that she is home she takes care of all the laundry, and some of the things I detest. I do all the food and household shopping as she really dislikes grocery stores. We have our own bank accounts, but we have a common one for bills and such...I will never be in a place where I have to ask how to spend every penny I earn, and she is okay with that. We don't spend all we earn, and therefore never have money disagreements...lucky I guess. We have been together 8 years and it works for us. |
I love reading all these stories. I esp got a kick out of yours, Jen...but why do images of 'Annie Hall' come to mind? lol
p.s. So happy to know you guys are still together and doing well. Many blessings... Quote:
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I am the type of guy that if I like something I buy it and hang it up where I think will look nice. I have Frida Kahlos art, Diego Rivera,s art, and Digital art by different artist. My furniture is from Pier One and Ikea. I do Not worry much if it matches just that I like it.
On the other hand Most to the ladies I have shared space with are the type that everything has to match and be place in the right place. I let them do their womanly thing and have the house the way they like it. I have even put things in storage to open space for their things and make it more comfortable and ascetically pleasing for their liking. Let peace and love Role the house :rrose: |
My wife has the inside of the house and I have the outside... I already have the pool/spa/patio/outdoor kitchen plans...
We DO consult with each other, though... I have a design for a new fireplace, for example... We are a team effort with individual strengths... As far as neatness, it all depends on the area of the house you are talking about. I am completely anal about the kitchen... no crumbs, hair, spatter, plugged in electronics... etc... She is far more anal about the laundry. I do most of the vacuuming and dusting (that hair thing again)... she scrubs the floors and the bathrooms.. Once again... team effort with individual strengths... :) |
We have decided that in order to live in the same home we need a duplex with an adjoining living room.
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My wife and I have been looking for a house for sometime, but we're looking for something that gives us enough both room for our own down time. I'm a type A personality while my wife likes to chill alot. It took me a long time to learn how to relax and smell the roses.
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I've seen that too... but I couldn't do it... I would miss her too much. We are both so busy that much of the time we are passing each other in the doorway. This week we agreed we would have OUR time after she works on Sunday....
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We have been living together for about five years now, and there have been no major adjustments here. We fortunately have the same taste and style and thankfully have not experienced any type of clash. We don't have the "yours versus mine" mentality - everything is Hers, even if it's mine - cats included. (LOL) ;)
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I lucked out big time..
Mitmo is so very laid back, a minimalist and very much a blank canvase when it comes to decorating... "I like this one book case, and my books, I don't care if you get rid of everything else~" I am not.. I'm reminded of Maureen OHara in The Quiet Man...*I need my things about me...* While I did cull an amazing amount before I moved into her two bedroom apt, I still came with an amazing amount of junk.. I come with things like steamer trunks, camel back trunks, a hoosier, an over stuffed flowered chair in a half, computer tables, crafting tables, drafting tables.. odd sized tables (I like tables) turkish rug, mirrors, crocks, old jugs, old bottles, endless chotchi that caught my eye, and enough crafting supplies to set up a small craft store... Mitmo favors stream line shapes/modern... I like french provential... She likes wood, I like wood painted white with flowers all over it... I like fussy with pillows and tassles.. She likes plain and keeps stacking the pillows on the back of the sofa.. (no stacking... no stacking... cascade!!!) So we compromise... I'm introducing her to the joys of junking and of vintage furniture... We are going more twards mission or shaker than fp.... I am not looking at any sofas covered in tea roses.. We are going more twards jewel tones than earth tones.. I'm not over cluttering the walls with tiny pictures of random stuff, but instead we are moving twards paintings and art that speaks to both of us.. Local artists or friends or.. or... me.. (quiver) She trust me to make a home that is comfortable and attractive to both of us... Lucky me... |
I am more of the minimalist and Mare is a bit more of the pack rat. Come to think of it - that did take a bit getting used to, because I am more likely to throw things out (or give them away) if I haven't used them in a while. But on the other hand -- if there is something I need - Mare more than likely owns it, lol. I'm more laid back and keep my OCD tendencies in check, and it hasn't created any problems. When I do get frustrated and can't find something - my OCD kicks in and I'll just reorganize and She doesn't mind that at all.
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