Modern Manners - Facebook et al
 

So I was going on dates with someone recently - just dates. I was clear that I am enjoying being single and just dating but that I am open to taking things slow, etc. Hy seemed fine with this and said hy was enjoying the same.

Fast forward. Seems hy's carrying on a rather intense romance with someone via Facebook. This is someone hy's never met and never will meet (too far, too expensive, etc.) I ask hym to please let her know hy's also dating other people, just to be fair to her.

Hy starts getting a little on the odd side. I'm not saying mean or weird, but definitely starting to crowd my space too much. I redraw my boundaries in the nicest way possible, and ask hym to please give me a little time. The next day hy's changed hys relationship status to reflect that hy and this girl are in a relationship.

So the question is:

Are modern manners so bad nowadays that it's no longer just the height of rudeness to have to find out via e-mail that one is no longer eligible for dates, but indirectly via social media? Is this okay? I'm actually so stymied by the rudeness of it all - rather, the rudeness I perceive - that I'm really not sure if it's okay at all.

I must be out of touch with modern reality but how can people have any sort of romance, esp. at an intense level, via facebook or other online media?

In my rather simple, socially conservative mind, you can flirt online, you can even crush a bit online ..... but I'm not sure how you can become romantically involved "online" unless it also includes some form of real-time, real-life contact with the online aspect being an additional channel but not the only channel through which the romance is played out.

As for this individual now being in a "relationship" with someone he has never met and never will meet ..... that's just too bizarre for my comprehension.

Ditto.....

I find it bizarre. Like you, I find it possible to flirt online and to get crushes on people online, but if you want to take it to the relationship level you really have to meet and get to know each other properly before you do that.

I guess I was just disappointed because it seems all hy really wanted was a local warm body. :(

Perhaps hy did tell her that he was dating other people and that spurred on their commitment?

It's hard to sit on the fence when you know your beloved has other options.

Yes, I can see that. I'm not objecting to their being together - they're perfectly welcome to live their lives. What I was objecting to was that I had to find out about it via hys changed relationship status on Facebook. No phone call, no e-mail, nothing. Just assuming that I shouldn't even be told.

No big loss for you!
 

I say good riddance, and NEXT!!!! That's the fun thing about dating you can move on to the next dating experience!!!

No big loss, indeed! Best to find out now. :)

I was only stymied by the sudden plunge in dating etiquette since I last dated.

I am quickly turned off by game players and can normally spot this right away. One of my new rules, within the past few years, is that I won't interact with someone who has no history or isn't visible to some degree. I ask for their facebook account because I want to know that they are a real person, have friends, family and not hiding a bunch of shit. I've actually given my number to someone who called me and blocked their caller ID. lol I didn't bother answering. I knew who it was and told them I don't play those games.

I don't have a lot of free time for dabbling. I want to know that if I'm investing time that I at least end up with a great friend. I'll carefully watch someone and if it seems like they are emotionally immature, constantly changing their relationship status, always complaining, negative , etc. I file them under acquaintance. If you're on the fence about wanting to ge close with me then it means you ain't working hard enough to get and keep my attention, therefore you'll most likely lose my interest.

Ms Kiwigal, I so agree with you 100% I'm very much the same way also.:glasses:

I am someone who firmly believes that you can't really genuinely fall for someone or love them until you really know them, and you can't really know someone until you spend time with them and in person. And not just a couple dates, it takes time to get to know someone. Someone who falls fast for me or falls in love just from a few emails, chats, etc, that is a red flag for me because they don't really know me. They are falling in love with some image they have of me, and not the real me, since they don't really know me.

It sounds like this person you were dating, genghisfaw, is really immature and you dodged a bullet. Good luck on your dating adventures! :)

I’m going to take some liberties and answer this entire post. Of course, I am basing this entirely on your post and may not have all the information I need to actually figure it out. I rarely do. And my answers are from the perspective of someone who owns the The Complete Shakespeare and has memorized entire sonnets. In the responses to posts like this it's easy for me to "spot the scientist" lol, rarely will you find a poet that uses the words logic and love in the same stanza.

So...my take for what it's worth.

So I was going on dates with someone recently - just dates. I was clear that I am enjoying being single and just dating but that I am open to taking things slow, etc. Hy seemed fine with this and said hy was enjoying the same. – This is fairly standard I think.
Fast forward. Seems hy's carrying on a rather intense romance with someone via Facebook. – No hy’s not, hy just wants you to think he is.
This is someone hy's never met and never will meet (too far, too expensive, etc.) –Here is the proof.
I ask hym to please let her know hy's also dating other people, just to be fair to her. - Hy was hoping you’d say that.
Hy starts getting a little on the odd side. –Again, fairly standard.
I'm not saying mean or weird, but definitely starting to crowd my space too much. – Further proof that the other girl probably doesn’t exist.
I redraw my boundaries in the nicest way possible, and ask hym to please give me a little time. –This likely hurt hys feelings, so to seem like hy didn’t care…The next day hy's changed hys relationship status to reflect that hy and this girl are in a relationship.
-because you responded before and hy is hoping for the same. Hey, jealousy. (Also a great song by the Cranberries btw)

So the question is:

Are modern manners so bad nowadays that it's no longer just the height of rudeness to have to find out via e-mail that one is no longer eligible for dates, but indirectly via social media? Yes.
Is this okay? People don’t stop being people online. Even if it’s all true and there is some girl in South Beach, or wherever, this is no different than the guy that suddenly stopped calling when you thought it was going so well. Back in the dark ages, (you know, back before Al Gore invented the internet,) the only way we knew why they stopped calling was if we happened to see them out with another girl.
I'm actually so stymied by the rudeness of it all - rather, the rudeness I perceive - that I'm really not sure if it's okay at all. –Well, no it’s not technically ok. Dating, love, relationships, people are all so complicated, most of it’s not ok. It does serve as a delicious distraction though from the repetitive tasks people have to accomplish every day. (And serve to create great works of literature.) Hollylane is very right, I think. How we fall in love or when or why has no bearing on the circumstances we found ourselves in when it happened. Why do you care if “she” knows that hy is dating other people since you told him you were happy being single? I think you showed your hand when hys online “relationship” bothered you. So now (it seems to me) you have two choices. It depends on how much you actually like hym. If playing games really bothers you, and some people it really does, then it sounds like your decision will be easy. If playing games doesn’t bother you...it would be fairly easy to sink his Battleship. The game (when speaking of love or baseball or Scrabble), when played well (or even badly) by two people of like minds, is one of the most thrilling experiences of all time. (imo)

thanks for saying since I feel the same way . Too bizarre for me !

I'm glad you brought this up because too often you meet someone and although I'm ok with with some casual flirting I find it offensive when someone engages in sexual innuendos or phone sex. wow thats a long sentence! lol

I understand that you want to make sure that you're compatible sexually but there's no way we'll even get to all that unless I like & respect you. You've got to stimulate my mind before my panties come off. lol

A lot can happen in cyber world especially among lonely people. It's easy to dream and create false emotions and lustful intentions only to have reality come crashing down. I need so much more before I can go there sexually. Trust me, I'm pretty open minded but just not casual when it comes to sex. For me sex is a sacred and intimate act I preserve for those I find worthy.

If someone really wants me they will make me their direct focus and they won't be all over the place. If not I won't give you the time of day.

Oh one more thing about facebook....

I don't use it for dating. I use it for my business, to stay connected with family and friends. I'm extremely busy. I invite someone to have a look at my world. I have nothing to hide. Look at my beautiful family, study what is important to me, etc. Ultimately my choice to find a partner will be based on many factors and its nice to see how they interact with the rest of the world. OMG I wish I had this soooo many times in the past. If someone doesnt have pics of themselves, family and friends then what are they really hiding? I don't even want to invest in friendships with people I can't get to know other then email. Although I would not carry on a relationship online or facebook I find it a wonderful venue for getting to know someone.