Butches/transguys as kids
 

I'm interested in hearing the stories from butches, TG guys or FTMs, about what you were like and your thoughts and feelings about your gender when you were a child, if anyone is willing to share.

My 6yo grandchild and I share a very special bond since I have been her primary parent for most of her life.

She has been gender-variant since before she was 2, expressing a very strong and at times almost obsessive preference for "boy" stuff over anything that she remotely perceives to be for girls.

She varies now between saying that she IS a boy, and that she wants to BE a boy when she grows up. She wants her name to be Michael - and ironically, her birth name is Chastity, named by her mom after Chaz Bono before he transitioned.

I am her only real ally: her mom, teen sister, and even her TG butch male-identified grandmother (my ex) all push her to wear girl things, which she'll do for a bit to please them until she can't take it any more and rips it off as if it's causing her physical pain. My ex scornfully declares that it's just a phase and that I'm pushing her/encouraging her too much, as if his own childhood pain from being forced into highly gendered clothes and roles didn't happen.

I plan on letting her lead. If at some point she is definitive that she IS a boy and clear that it gives her great stress to consider growing up to be a woman, then I will push to alow her to begin transitioning, at least socially, but we're not there yet. I kniw that she might be gay and butch, she might be trans, and i even have a couple of straight friends who say that they were just like her as a child. In the mean time, I give her the safe space and support to just be who she is.

I'm very interested in hearing stories of being this age, then growing up to be who you are now, if you're willing to share them. Thanks.

Letting kids take the lead with their lives is a tenuous issue for some folks. I understand the need to be an ally and guide. It is tricky to navigate. And some of the trickiness is highlighted by the developmental age. 6 is very rule bound, literal and developing a strict right and wrong. I can imagine a child being set in their ways at this age and develop another way later.

As a parent of a 6 year old, with a great deal of personality (that I call dominate she may feel and describe herself otherwise), I try to nurture that spirit. Because no matter how much I want her to fit in, have manners, etc I want her to have a strong voice more. I think social niceties one can learn at a lot of points in your life. But develop a sure sense of ones voice early seems to me more important. Fewer choices made with regrets later if one can speak for themselves.

And helping children develop along a gender continuum in a binary world is tricky. And worth it. The General goes all girl right now (and may forever) and she still knows you can have one body type and feel like you have that same one or feel like you have another. And at 4 she understood that better than she does now. Now at 6 it seems harder for her understand.

I know I walk a fine line. How at times others see me as not being a parent enough, not being in charge. Heck at some phases my choosing voice development over rule development drove me crazy and frustrated me. And at each point when I got to the place that said just make her do it she's shown me she is developing fine. I've learned I get better at describing to people what my intentions are. It isn't lazy parenting. I am intentional about letting her lead her way.

Spritzer I definitely hear you on the balance between guiding them and letting them develop into their authentic selves. It's especially challenging to balance teaching basic respect for all people (including essential manners) verses teaching them to not blindly follow rules or take shit.

The biggest challenge I face is that I have no legal rights at all, and as things are right now at least my exwpukd never consider supporting social transitioning, though she already is perceived primarily as a boy and at her requesting do not correct them or refer to her as a girl when it's just the two of us. Once puberty approaches we'll just have to see - if she becomes a miserable depressed kid at the thought of her body developing into a woman's body, I will try to advocate for puberty blockers. But thata not something we (ex and i)can even discuss right now.

Thank you Blade for sharing. Even raising a girly girl (at this moment) it is our communities stories that help me grow and grow understanding in The General. Because Dance-with-me's grandchild is "down the street", in her class, next door, etc.

Seriously!!! And her investment in it is completely arbitrary. I mean, Chas has a short haircut, wears almost exclusively "boy" clothes, plays almost exclusively with "boy" stuff, and is seen by everyone who doesn't know better (and by some who do) as a boy. So why randomly insist that no, she can't wear one particular thing, or has to wear a certain thing (such as a barrette) -- or the very worst day, when she insisted that if Chas wanted to go to a waterpark with the boys and girls club, she had to wear a two-sizes-too-small girl's two-piece bathing suit instead of her normal board shorts and rash guard?!? Then again, the ex is seriously fucked up in many different ways - which is why she's my ex (and should have been LONG ago). But I digress....

Maybe it is as simple as it can be really hard to be a butch in our society, your ex has experienced this in a real way, and she doesn't want her grandchild to have to go through that?

Of course, it is an irrational thought...kind of like make the gentle boy play rough sports so he "doesn't become a fag", but maybe this is what it is grounded in.

Thank you! It's strange because as much as I know all butches my age have horror stories of being crammed into crinolines and patent leather shoes and pincurls for church, childhood PLAY and play clothes were WAY less gendered when was a child 50 years ago than they are now. Just try finding something today that's not pink for a young girl, and look at how girl's jeans are thinner, fit more snugly and lower on the hips, and almost always have some sparkly thing on it -- when I was a kid we just all wore the same dungarees (as we called them then). And despite what McD's claims as their policy, try finding a McDonald's that does not ask "do you want a GIRL toy or a BOY toy?" when you get a happy meal (which yes, despite finding McD's disgusting for myself, I do cave and get them for Chas sometimes if it means an hour to sit and read on a rainy day while she plays!)

So I am typing from my phone so lets see how much I can get typed out lol
I have been butch identified as long as I can remember when I was 7 I remember asking my mom why I had to wear a tshirt and she said because I was developing breasts I was devastated yes I was an early developer and ever since I've wanted them gone.
My mom used to make me wear dresses to church and school and I despised her for that,I had to keep my hair long and I hated it. Anything girl i wanted nothing to do with,when i came out when i was 10 and they didn't accept it. When i was 13 and still a lesbian they let me cut my hair to a crew cut let me tell you it was like the real me came to life,at 15 i reall grew into the butch role,i am a lesbian i am Christian and i am butch, i GUESS what im attempting to say is i wish i had someone like you when i was younger, i struggled for years scared to be me because i felt it was wrong, i was scared how society viewed me, i still struggle especially when it comes to church whether ill be accepted, i dont volunteer even though i want to because im afraid i won't be accepted for me, i think my parents did some un necessary damage forcing me to be a girl, good for you in supporting your little one, i have a 16 month old and plan yo do the same,accepting her for her no matter what,your doing a great job

In my opinion, you are doing exactly what this child needs. I struggled my whole life with feeling one way and being perceived and pushed in another. Nobody understood how I felt and I somehow managed to deal with it all...but at a cost. Oh how I would have loved for a caring person tell me that it's ok for me to not be like all the other little girls who enjoy playing with dolls. Thankfully, even though my single mom didn't understand she did allow me to have my boy toys/clothes and cut my hair short as long as I compromised and had some girl toys as well and wore the dresses to church and stuff. Usually my barbie's were GI Joe's girlfriends LOL and I was cool with that. For me, I could not have dealt with it if my family forced me to be a girly girl. I think it would have killed my spirit and possibly led me to dark places I don't want to imagine. If the desire in your grandchild is strong to be boyish or a boy then I say let this little person express themselves the way that is right for them. As far as your ex..I can't imagine why he is so adamantly against honoring his grandchild's desires. Good luck.

Dance, I too have pretty much the typical story of being so uncomfortable in the way I was forced to dress and the behaviour that was assigned to me because "You are a girl."

In retrospect, I think maybe my childhood would have been easier if someone would have reinforced the idea that many girls like to dress masculine and prefer to do and play with things that society says are for boys. Show your grandchild examples of femaled bodied people that dress and act masculine. Butches and Transmen are "gender outlaws." We do not conform to the "norm."

Your grandchild may or may not be Trans. All little girls that present and act masculine are not Trans. I do wonder if some children believe themselves to be the opposite sex because there is no positive reinforcement or examples of love and acceptance of people who are different.

If your grandchild is Trans nothing will change that. Forced gender expression or homophobic and transphobic ideas will only serve to eat away at the self esteem and happiness of the child.

Butches
 

I have always been a tomboi.I played with my brother and two boy cousins as a kid.I had a family that accepted me for who I was.I have never owned any kinda doll.I played with trucks,cars and I even rode a boys bike.So I guess I was born this way.