It seems like I have been a caregiver since as far back as I can remember. I've cared and given care not only to both my sons, who've both had they're own sets of challenging issues, but was caregiver and chief overseer of my siblings, at such a very young age -- up until the time I just couldn't do it anymore.
This year marks another time in my life where I've got my mother who's got herself painted into a proverbial corner, she's elderly, can't take it anymore the caregiver role she's held actively all her life, both professionally as a nurse and as chief overseer of three siblings of mine who have had challenges most all their lives, much like the scenarios both my son's face, except stark racial differences in the case of my sons, rather than as not so visible in the case of my three siblings.
I hate secrets. I'm not good at keeping secrets. My mom told me something tonight and told me to not say a word...to the person, my sibling who is culpable of what she's said to me.
I guess where I'm going with this is that care giving isn't always a physical concept. That care giving roles can wander into the non-physical realm. Which is a tricky place to be, when faced with not wanting to keep secrets....which in the case of my mother, keeping secrets is valued highly. I can't keep secrets. To me, that's allowing unhealthy cycles of behaviors the latitude to become more entrenched in abuse based behaviors and in styles of communication.
I can't be a party to keeping secrets. It's not okay. To me, it's not healthy. It's a toxic part of cycles of abuse and in order to break the cycle of both abuse and it's more silent role in care giving, as it's been in roles of care giving for both my mother and I, then I have to find a way to effectively not be party to this kind of behavior, which finds a comfortable home in the way care giving has always been practiced between my mother and I and with my siblings and my sons.
I feel so incredibly stressed out. I've got my mom's dire situation on one side, my son's dire situations on another side, then there's me. My own dire situation which based in physical and mental health, my own emotional well being is at stake.
And all I can do right now, is make sure I'm taking care of me FIRST by getting enough food to eat, enough rest and deep sleep, and being as thoughtful as I can where my own sanity is at stake.
I've been shoring up my boundaries because it takes a lot of energy to make sure I give myself the level of care I deserve and need to remain healthy and cognizant of all that is before me, each day of life I am grateful to have.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but today I did my very best at caring for me.
One day at a time.
Some days, it's one breath at a time.
Living moment by moment, believing in my ability to care precisely for me, is probably one of the best things I've done for myself since I came to realize how important it is for me to take care of me.
