I just want to cry....... There's a 5 years old inside me.... a 5 year old holding a gun... hidden in the pantry watching through the key hole.... listening for the approaching horror.... waiting on the edge of the utter hell that is about to swallow us all....a 5 year old that grew up over night and became an adult, a fighter, a thinker, an overachieve, an impossible you say - let me prove you wrong- free rock climber of life without safety ropes....
I haven't cried for ages, decades at the time... I was trained well... push it down, shut it off, run, run for your life... don't let them get you....RUN, don't let them touch you... Run, run, run, run, save yourself, run... and don't look back.... for g-d sake don't look back.... hold them, comfort them, burry them, get up... shake it off...run...run, run, run, until you're safe....
Is there such thing as a safe place under the skies of this universe?
Once a refugee, always a refugee. Is that how this shit works?
I am not sure I know how to do this anymore.... Will it ever get better... will the wounds ever stop bleeding... will I ever have a shot at being blessed with ignorance of "normal" life?
What is normal after all, who knows? I have numbed my soul, shut off my heart, all that's left to do is to rip the bitch the fuck out and destroy any last particles of it once and for all destroy it all for good.
When the first war happened my father said, "remember the only thing they can never take away from you is what you got in your head and in your heart"..... What is I simply no longer what what's in my heart??? What is I no longer want to feel anything that humans feel? What is I just want IT to STOP?
Is there a way to keep breathing beyond this point?
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When life turns its back on you....grab its ass 
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