So...
This is a very personal, and raw issue I'm having lately and I believe I need to provide some background info before I present some questions to any who would like to participate in this thread.
I came out as queer/lesbian in '97, come out to myself as trans* (tg butch/masculine/etc) 6 months later, found 'community' both online and off within b/f circles in '98-'99, found trans-community both online and off in 2001, and finally, passed as male (assume 99-100% unless among medical people) since spring of 2004. When I moved to the west coast (BC) in 2006, I started living a 'stealth' existence in my home town. During the 2 years I was still in Nova Scotia, I was 'he/she'd' a lot. I still get that in Toronto when visiting friends and family as well, and for the most part, I just roll with it. When I'm visiting friends and family in the SF Bay Area, I'm 'home' in my community, thanks to connections from many people right here in this forum, connections that now span to over a decade. I'm truly blessed for that.
I have an offline trans-community that's semi local. It's... a struggle to say the least, and I don't think I want to get into some of those struggles right now so I want to keep it on a more personal realm.... I'm painfully shy. I think I'll always be painfully shy unless I'm in a b/f/ and-or trans bubble.
Coupled with these experiences, I'm 'away' from a lot of my queer friends and family. Lonely? Yes.
So here's what's been going for me and why I'm struggling today. Locally, there's a masculine female cashier at the local grocery store that I'm 'reading' as a butch woman. She's barely 20 yrs old. I've seen her working there for over 2 years now, and I can't tell you all just how sad I am sometimes that I can't give her that .... look... you know, that 'knowing' look, or a 'butch' nod (these days, I get the 'bro' nod from males -- it's just not the same thing).
I know I'm in an enviable position as a 'passing'-male. I feel the need to be crystal that passing as male as an FTM is .... an ocean apart compared to the experiences of butch women who do pass (so let's get that part outta the way)
I also know that I've chosen to go forward and have no regrets for my decision.
However..... I'd like to have a discussion about trans-invisibility, and see if there are any others who have similar experiences and thought processes around this issue. I confess that I'm not .... well versed in understanding of Femme Invisibility... am I experiencing something similar? I'd like to hear from Femmes as well (and no, not just femmes who are partnered with ftms or butches who pass, but any femmes who on their own, struggle with invisibility... maybe you can help me and other guys with your experiences)
Are there other guys like me that have these moments? Do you miss your 'obvious' queer/butch look? Does it bring up moments of loneliness for you? Do you talk to other trans-friends about it? (for the record, I have problems bringing up this topic with my local pals, as many of them have not lived in any sort of b/f bubble let alone queer id'd)
Because I have issues bringing up this discussion offline, I've decided I want to put it out there in a more... supportive setting. So here I am. I hope others would like to join me in this discussion. This won't be easy.
Respectfully,