[s0litude]

Hmmmm.... Coming out stories....

When I came out as a butch lesbian, was first ever with a woman:

I was in college, had an older lesbian sending me all kinds of mixed signals while I was closeted. Was a trying time considering I was from a small town in NC where it was not at all acceptable. Finally, after feeling so lost and hopeless, I risked everything and called my dad. I tried to hold it together but started crying when I heard his voice. He went into "Daddy" mode, poor guy was thinking I was hurt, pregnant, wrecked my car,... Lord knows what else. I finally just said, "Dad, I think I'm gay." Longest. Silence. Ever. I finally spoke and asked, "Dad, did ya hear me?" He said, "Yeah, Honey, I heard you. I'm just waiting for that to sink in." He was so understanding, so loving, but that's always been my dad's way.

As for my first time...

I was 22; she was 23 and a cop from Texas. Things heated up when I took her out riding on the quad (four wheeler) out at my sister's one September night. She curled in against my back with her hands along my hips, that innocent ride turned out not so innocent when she asked me to pull behind a section of trees for privacy. She straddled me, light kisses became deeper, longer, more passionate. My hands slid along the hem, fingers grazing her skin. She knew I'd never been with a woman and took the initiative to remove her shirt. As soon as she started, I continued. The bra came off, hands wandered, lips, teeth, and tongues wandered-- she suggested I take her home to continue. I did. We did. WOW! And thank God, I wasn't completely lost-- LOL! I had cable television. No, seriously, I've always been very observant, watched people. I am great at reading body language, and I was eager to explore and had ego problems in being led. Again, WOW!

As a Transman:

It was sad, depressing. I was 28, on the verge of making some very personal, very foolish, very FINAL, decisions. A fan of his work, Loren Cameron and I had emailed a few times, and I remember asking him, "When? How do you know when?" I told him my situation, told him how scared I was and how dark my thoughts were becoming. It boiled down to you'll know the right time when you have only two decisions left: you can die inside, or allow it to eat you alive until you break and take your own life, OR you can stand firm, know it is going to hurt and be difficult, ready yourself for one hell of a fight, and get ready to take on whatever is thrown at you. You can CHOOSE to live, truly be who YOU are. I choose me. Shortly after, I eased into it, tested the waters. I told a few close friends, opened a little at a time, to friends online,... And then to my Dad. He struggled, and there was a time when we didn't speak for around a year. But my parents came to accept it, are slowly becoming more and more comfortable with it especially after I moved back to the city where I was born and reared. They still occasionally slip with the pronouns, but they try. In fact, I shaved my beard, and my Dad told me I should grow it back, that a little bit of a mustache and chin scruff looked good on me. My sister was the most accepting though she did sway a little once. She, herself, later came out as bisexual. My nephews had no trouble accepting it. They think it's great because transmen get a unique perspective on masculine and feminine as we come into our own.

I'd say the difference in coming out as a lesbian vs. coming out as a transman, for me personally, was that it is more of a process, not a moment, coming out as trans. It takes a great deal longer to adjust and analyze oneself and become comfortable with who you are.