[ProfPacker]

I have had a very hard year and am just getting some time to post about my life and where I am in my gender ID. I, as you all know, am not young in age, but in heart, mind and presentation. I have had an inordinate amount of stress this year which culminated in my being hospitalized the day before Thanksgiving with extreme chest pains and BP of 202/100. My blood pressure goes it's own way these days, even taking meds, when I am stressed. They found nothing wrong (which is good). I also have contended with healing an ulcer that was about to rupture (I had no idea it was even there) and a growth in my colon the size of a small orange that was removed but turning cancerous. In many ways I have dodged many bullets. I have chronic GERD and have changed my diet completely. My thyroid has gone wacky because of the stress and after 30 years on one dose of synthroid, I am all over the place and stabilizing it. I am now the long distance care taker of my sick sister, resigned from the stressful part of my job.

When life slaps me in the face, I tend to reflect and because I am an academic (research). I woke up to the fact that since joining the planet whenever trans info comes up, I am there reading every word. I look at trans porn and I read what I can. I have been packing (as most of you know) on and off for a while. A while ago I started to experiment with STP and find it very satisfying.

Last week after attending a gender ed training at work it began to occur to me (duh) that I am on the trans spectrum (where is what I am experimenting with). My dysphoria has always been my bottom, now this is my process and only pertains to how I do things.

I had started to do some research a while ago on the effects of DES on the offspring of the women who took DES (I was interested in the illness and mental health issues) because both my ex partner and sister (born 12 hours apart) both came from mothers who took DES and had the reproductive anomalies that are associated with DES and autoimmune illnesses and sever depression. I found a study in Sweden that is following long term effects of DES in daughters and bingo, it was all there. Now what you ask does this have to do with me being on the trans spectrum?

There is now evidence based studies that showed that sons of DES mothers (because of when the DES was administered in the pregnancy...2nd and 3rd trimesters) are more apt to transition to female. There is also many intersex individuals in mostly the sons because the DES was administered usually after the gonads formed but during the time that the brain was formed gender identification stuff (there is a whole new neurobiology on this...two aspects of sex and gender development and the XX and XY stuff is only a small amount.)

I began to wonder about daughters and my feeling that I am "missing something ...a cock and how strong it is). After doing more research there was a group that talked about the fact that because it was estrogen that was given the daughters did not experience gender confusion UNLESS the mother was given progestin (testerone, as well). I was in the first batch of US daughters in 1948 that was a recipient of my mother getting DES (my mother's doctor was one of the pioneers in the field). DES was given to mothers who had a chance of miscarrying and was given until 1971 even though the medical field knew it was not being effective). The daughters who were given progestin tended to have masculinized brains as the sons had feminized brains (it is seen on MRI and Pet scans). Last week I asked my mother is she was given estrogen along or two drugs (I was unsure because the research stated that the progestin was given in 1950). Because my mother's doctor was so big in the field he was able to "experiment" before the FDA gave the go ahead. My mother said she was given two vials (progestin and estrogen) and (if you can believe this) shot herself up during the pregnancy.

Now, this is not to demean or counter gender development and identification forming in the ways, just for me, I knew that DES effected us and it was an accident that I came upon this (I have had three surgeries due to fibroids, the last a complete hysto and a ruptured cyst).

I have decided, for now, to be open (not to my kids yet) in my gender trans no matter where it takes me. The most important part is feeling complete and having a cock. For now, I am packing with an STP and pumping. This seems to be fine now. I don't think I will ever go on T because (as you can imagine) I have fears about long term, unknown use of hormones, the fact that my body has not been too stabile and also like some other guys here have said I feel like I have two identities in me (that might or might not change as I have opened myself up a little more). I don't think for know I want to be known everywhere by male pronouns but would like to start "trying it on here and with close friends who introduce me or refer to me at butch femme events). I didn't talk to my mother about my bottom desires but talked to her about being masculine and wanting to explore it.

So, I want to present to the world as me and masculine of center for now, use male pronouns and females pronouns as I see fit.

The chest is another thing. I was born without my pectoral muscle on one side (Poland anomaly) and surgery would be much more than just removal or reduction because the chest would still be deformed and fixing it would take more work (expanders if possible...a prothetic made for my form to show a muscle, possibly taking skin from my abdomen for builidng up chest. That is why binding and sports bras have been a real help. My dysphoria had to do with missing the muscle not the breast per se. Also, on T, I would gain muscle mass and my chest and arm (it is smaller and shorter without muscle) would be destorted, even if I did go on T.

That's it, thanks for listening.