[WheelieStrong]

..i'm awake after two hours sleep and i have reading issues, i', having to write this as an email first so i can see the text in a larger format.

i have what seems like bipolar disorder and i rapid cycle, apparently my moods change "too quickly" for me to be bipolar lol my mood can change extremely at any point between a matter of minutes and a matter of months i guess, thankfully it's normally at least weeks..
Anyway i currently don't have an actual diagnosis but meds fit etc.. and i REALLY should be on anti psychotic meds *curses diabetes for messing that up*

Depressive periods are my biggest issue, crying all the time, sleeping constantly and still being tired i'm sure you all know it.. But this is the time my people (hallucinations) and voices in my head are most likely to bother me, at all other times i find a way to ignore them or cope even if its by avoidance.

in another post somewhere i mentioned a man in my bedroom, i meant to say bathroom, anyway he is the only one that actually bothers me for an actual reason (other than just being there) he's nasty and i think he intends to hurt me, when i'm down i tend not to shower just so i don't have to be around him on my own for that long, care/the wench/the ex won't sit with me, i've asked, she doesn't understand my mental health issues unless she is somehow using them as a weapon against me but that's a different matter. All my other people only really upset me because i know i shouldn't be seeing them, that and they just stand there and stare at me.
i normally realise i have big problem when i'm down and actually shouting at them to either go the ffff away and leave me alone, let me sleep, or ffffing talk to me so at least i won't be so lonely.

When on a high i normally just ignore them or with the man in my bathroom i can tell him where to go if he doesn't like me in there.

Before meds, my highs were fabulous i was highly functional on 2-3hours sleep, i'd blitz my flat at 3 in the morning, the wench would wake up to my over enthusiastic use of bleach lol i'd be bouncing around to music and singing *blush* i was even a lot more physically active, often to the point of causing an injury cause i wouldn't even rest when my arms hurt.. i had ideas and contributed to conversations around me, was interested in anything and everything, i was weirdly focused yet distracted by everything at the same time and everything around me seriously seemed slower. And i was generally good company if a little loud and having people trying to keep up with train of thought etc, i even had a lot more confidence with men.

Since meds, even if i am not on them, and i'm often not.. i get the inability to sleep, i get the compulsive behaviours which i had before, shopping, gambling, over eating, the uncreased sex drive, drinking blah blah blah, but the lack of sleep now actually leaves me to tired to do much more than lay awake, my aggression and paranoia seem to be around not just when i'm down any more, i could go on.

So while i'm on meds i'm a lot more stable, i lose the MAJOR downs YaY, don't really get high, cope a lot better with my people, but i really do think the price can be too high, i don't laugh, i don't fight for anything, i just let people walk all over me and often actually say thank you and i'm actually more likely to self harm while on meds.
And i am still left with really scarey and obsessional thoughts

i am really thankful for the stability meds give me, i often keep them as a security blanket even if i don't take them i know i have the option..
But i really do wish i could take them without having lost all the good things

and i can't find the text colour i nomally use!