I hope this is not out of place in this thread.
Content note: discussion of suicide and mental illness. Protect your well-being as needed.
This is really long, but it's important, so please read it if you are able.
So I found out that a performer I've really loved, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, died by suicide this morning. It really hit me hard for a couple of different reasons. First, his joy was infectious. Watching anything he did just made me smile every single time. He was brilliant, talented, and seemed so kind. His death is a loss for a lot of people. (Yes, depressed people can both have infectious joy and still have depression. Depression is an illness, not just a feeling.)
The second reason it hit home is how he died. I have struggled with suicidal ideation since I was a child. I don't usually talk about this because there is so much stigma about mental illness, but I live my life out loud about pretty much everything else, so it's time to talk about this, too.
There are a few different reasons I'm still here. The first is that I have an amazing community of love and support. I've had friends who have shown up for me in a myriad of ways. You may not even know that you've done something that has helped me in any way, but chances are you have. Friends and a great spouse aren't enough, though. They can listen, but they aren't qualified to make a treatment plan or help me adhere to it.
The other reason I'm still here is because I am privileged enough to have access to excellent mental health care. I have a therapist who works with me every week. I see a psychiatric nurse who helps me with medication, and I'm working with a naturopath to make sure I'm looking at all possible causes and treatments. Depression is not just a made-up thing that can be fixed by doing a yoga, eating more kale, or walking in a forest. All of those are great and important in a balanced life, but they are not enough. We wouldn't tell a type 1 diabetic to think themselves into producing insulin. Likewise, people with clinical depression can't think ourselves into healing the imbalances in our bodies. We need help. There are many avenues to getting that help, and this is not a statement on the validity of any of them. I just know what has helped me so far.
There is no shame in asking for that help. No shame in needing it in the first place. The real shame is that not everyone has financial access to the kind of care I have, and even for some people who need it and can afford it, they don't know that they can ask for it. The thing about depression is that it's a big fucking liar. It can convince the depressed person of all kinds of things that aren't true, like we're worthless, or a burden, or nobody will miss us. Those voices can be way louder than any of our loved ones telling us anything else, and sometimes those voices win and the rest of the world bears that loss.
I guess all of this is to say, if your brain is telling you lies about how you don't matter, and you shouldn't be here, reach out to me. Let's find a way to get you some care. You matter. So do I.
Also, here's an article from NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that can give some insight into this issue. If you've got it to spare, throw them a donation. They do important work.
https://nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/Dec...cidal-Ideation