[fiercegrrl]

so, in the last week i've had some scary days. i almost went to the hospital one night because it hurt so bad to take a deep breath. and then i had a three day stretch where i could not hold down food, water, or meds. so i almost went to the hospital again. it's still not ruled out all the way as i'm experiencing a lot of nausea.
but i met with my palliative care doctor on monday and he suggested that hospice care might be appropriate for me. and i can still be enrolled in it as i go through clinical trials.
i agreed. and i'm still having panic attacks about it.
i don't know how to tell my family or friends. i'm afraid they will think that it means i am giving up. which is not the case at all. but i'm very realistic and don't sugar coat my life and i know that there will be no miracle cures for me. the clinical trials that i'm hopefully going to be starting soon will hopefully add some more time for me. and i want to do everything i can to enjoy everything i can. i want to stop gritting my teeth because i'm stubborn and don't want to take pain meds. i don't want to feel nauseous- i love food! i want to enjoy food!
most people i know want me to live in a fantasty land that i won't die. i don't want to live in a fantasy land of denial.
oy i'm rambling...