[Lady_Wu]

I'm feeling tired and of the "I can't do this anymore mood". I have no one to tell it to, so here goes:
How long do I do this? We've supposedly been "together" for over 6 years. I tried to go slow at first, to do it right. I had my own place as an address for 3 of them but never got to live there. You wouldn't let me. You brought me here after 2 days and I never got to enjoy my own place again. Yes, we were in love. But I wanted my own place too. To have MY space. But your mother got mad, abandoned you/us and we were both sick I mean really sick. She took care of your meds, brought you meals, took care of you when you got sick. I stepped in and did all that. Yes, you saved my life by bringing me from where I was and took care of me when I was really sick. And continued to do so. I know and appreciate it beyond words. But I have been saving your life since I recovered. You have been continually ill from nearly the time I recovered. I loved you so I took care of you, take care of you. I bring you nearly all your meals in bed b/c you are too ill to get out of bed. I check your blood sugar around the clock. I 've saved your life from diabetes so many times I cannot count. I did. do these things b/c of love. But, dear one, I am getting so, so tired. I am very ill, too. I need to be taken care of but I come home from the dr so tired my eyes are crossing. And then you have a major health crisis. I have to figure which, maybe allm of your illnesses is going haywire and take measures to correct it. Usuaually you cannot help me in this process. You have gone catatonic, cannot talk, cannot move. So I struggle to make you comfortable, to make sure your O2 is on you, that your blood sugar is at the right level, check to see which meds you have taken. All this while I want desperately for someone to take care of me for a while. Not for long, nothing too much. Just one week of being able to sleep without worry that the alarm will not work, that your sugar will not drop, that whatever is making you so sick that you literally cannot lift a fork to your mouth unaided won't kick in while I sleep. I get so lonely, my love. I used to have you for company. We have no friends in this dead little town. While you sleep your life away, in whatever world your illnesses have locked you into, I am here in a place where I have lived for so long and not made even ONE friend. Do you know how unheard of that is for me? I make friends easily. If I had kept my little apt, I would have at least acquaintaces to say hello. People to talk with. I was going to reorganize the library there. I already knew the name of the best librarian at the town library behind the building, I had a handicapped apt for when I got my wheelchair. Now I cannot even walk down the street by myself b/c I walk with a cane and the street is too dangerous. I know that you did not intend for life to turn out this way. But while you sleep you life away in your illnesses, I want desperately for a shoulder to lean on. for someone who is awake and can make and bring me coffee in bed once in a while. Someone who can do all the things you promised me in the beginning. I feel myself starting to hate this place you've brought me to, this cold. unfriendly . lonely place. I look at you and remember our love at the start, I've never looked my age but now I feel twice that. I feel more like a nurse than a partner. Oh, love, what do I do?