Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow
Wow since everyone keeps making this about *ME* and outlining this about *ME* I am going to speak for *ME*. I should not have to put anyone on ignore when they keep being insistent, rude, sexist, aggressive with me. I shouldn't have to explain to anyone here over and over and I shouldn't have to tell them let's just be friends. I don't need those kinds of friends. I like to have friends around who are going to have respect for me, and my boundaries. I shouldn't have to explain over and over in a pm when I am uncomfortable, I shouldn't have to go to an Admin to get this person to stop, no should be enough. I shouldn't have to have expectations put on me to have more empathy. I think I had a hella lot of empathy and handled it pretty fucking good even when said person went after someone I love.
I don't understand why a DA's place in this community is above mine, how unsafe as a woman to have to see that my experience is being dismissed because everyone assumes I am NT. Read the TOS, simple as that if you can't abide by them that is not on ME.
Jesus Christ let's hope this does not ever become a r/t situation because what then you gonna excuse that behavior too and wave the victim away?
Unbelievable
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Snow -
I'm not sure that my perception is that this thread is about you. I think you opened the door for direct comments to you when you posed the question of "what do you do?"
If no one responded to your question, I am sure that you would also feel dismissed. I know I would.
I am interested to know, what do you think we should do in the instance you posed?
It feels as if when your question was responded to, you negated the ignore suggestion (as is your right to do so) and didn't respond to my suggestion of a buddy/mentoring system at all.
This feels, to me, like with a lot of the heavier issues, its easier for us to focus on the problem rather than look for solutions. That statement is not directed soley at you, but a general observation from my "me" place. I really hope you don't choose to hone in on this statement and negate the rest of my post.
I think that the allowances we make for DA's can also be viewed as we do the "isms". To say to a DA person, "Here is the TOS, its up to you to abide by the rules" is fair. Its treating everyone equally. The sticky part, for me, is when we (as community members) say to a DA person, "You fucked up and didn't follow the rules and its up to you to do the work to fucking figure it out"
(which, please don't anyone assume is what I believe happens since we know that the mods and administration spend hours "behind the scenes" in trying to work through issues).
The sticky part? We want to call it out and treat the DA as an equal yet expect the moderators and admin to assist the person in doing the work. I think just as with whites and privilege, the NT's, as the majority, have to be willing to assist in that process.
When we call out white privilege - we expect the offender to do the work. Hopefully, they have the capacity and resources to do the work.
I believe, based on my experiences, that DA's who continue to make social blunders, cross boundaries, break the rules, etc don't have the social skills/cognitive function/self monitoring/filters in place to do the work without assistance from the NT majority.
This is not assuming that you are an NT.
This is not me saying that a DA person is more valued in this community, at least in my perception, than any one else.
This is me saying that I am hopeful that when you feel you have exhausted your patience and empathy, that there is a system in place to step in.
I believe that a person has to have the skills/cognitive processes or the resources available to overcome some of the DA issues.
What I really don't want to happen is the lack of skills/processes not being taken into account and addressed and "just follow the rules and subsequent consequences" and that DA person feeling discarded and unvalued.
I just don't want us to throw anyone, DA, nonDA, NT, non NT, away just as I don't want that person to feel thrown away.
I really hope that I made sense in this post. I had to leave it and come back several times (stupid work) and I am not sure that I was as cohesive as I would have liked.
I also really hope that you will read my intent as one of support and community and not anything else.