Originally Posted by christie0918
I snipped the above post -
This statement, to me, is SO true. Just as I can't speak for another, I also can't give a pass to a DA person unless the interaction is with me. I can sit here behind the screen and think about how I would act/react in a given situation, but until I am in the midst of it, I honestly can't say how/what I would do or say.
Very, very true! (the highlighted part) In my mind when I see something happening where I percieve a situation differently - I actually think it makes me a good friend to say so. A 'maybe it's actually this way' kind of thing. That doesn't make it so ~ any more then it makes me wrong. And I can give examples of how I handled interactions myself that for me worked. They may not work for everyone.
I think that as the parent of a DA person, I have a responsibility to not give him passes on things that are considered inappropriate social behaviors. Not all parents/caregivers/loved ones of DA's feel the same way as I do, nor should they. How we choose to move through this world is very subjective and I really try to speak from the lessons I have learned through my 24/7/365 experiences garnered over a 15 year time span of dealing with a DA person. This doesn't make me an authority on DA's or NaT's, but rather the resident expert of *my* DA son.
I share custody of an 18 year old boy with my ex. It is her brother. We have had custody of him for several years. He is deaf, developmentally disabled and has anger/frustration issues. His ability to communicate is limited by his developmental disability - not because of his deafness. His anger comes from people not understanding him when he is trying to put thoughts out there. Society doesn't think that it's appropriate for him and my 9 year old daughter to play like 9 year olds. I give him passes all the time. I don't look at the 18 year old man standing there and expect him to act in a way that he simply cannot. I don't assume that I will need to only tell him things once or twice. In fact, I have gotten frustrated and realized that I was yelling after the 5th time I've told him something because he wasn't getting it. By my yelling, I was causing more of a problem, he wasn't understanding what I was saying so then he is reacting to my anger. He doesn't know why I'm angry, just that I am. He can tell by my tone and overall look of annoyance. He does things that he doesn't know are wrong. Like the playing like a child thing - or carving the word superman into my grandmothers 70 year old china hutch. I can berate him for that. Or I can tell him in simple words that it's not ok and with gentleness then move on. He already has by the time the conversation is happening.
I also have different opinions on personal safety issues. I realize there are online stalkers out there and have experienced it first hand. I understand being a violent crime victim, as I have been, but how I deal with the fallout of that experience is different than the examples I have seen here. For me, online is something that I have the choice to walk away from - I can either employ the "ignore" feature or I can just turn it off and walk away - or I can do both - or neither.
I agree. Personal safety is a huge issue. I am responsible for limiting the amount of online information that I make available. So that just ANYONE can't find me. My experience has been that there are people lurking that say nothing and pop up unexpectedly..
For me, continuing to give life/energy to a situation/issue is something I can control. I have found, just like with Bratboy and the arm tapping, the more attention I give to the unwanted behavior, the more he engages. If I disengage by ignoring it, he usually gets tired and ceases. I try to apply this same logic to online folks - if I don't engage, its pretty hard to offend/be inappropriate with me.
Again, I agree. Although in my case, he has a habit of sucking his top lip. Everytime I see him doing it I have to say stop it. Stop it. Stop it. It doesn't stop. If I ignore it, he will suck the top of his lip raw. I am stopping the behavior only for that moment. When he gets angry, we do walk away and let him cool off until we can come back to the table. This is where I think the higher capacity comes in. His parents didn't do that. His parents hit him, lashed out, called him stupid - ugh. I have the higher level of understanding and capacity - it is my responsibilty not to engage. (For me this is in real time or online.) My ex, sometimes has that capacity, it was much more difficult to not engage with her mental illness since she wasn't always present if that makes sense.
*I* don't give the same weight to online interactions as I do real-time ones. I concern myself more with keeping my eye on billybubbabob redneck who can follow us home from wally world and do me and mine physical harm.
In saying that, I am NOT saying that I advocate different standards/rules/expectations of DA's in online communities. I do think that one set of rules for all should be the expectation. How we, as a community, go about ensuring the rules are applied equally is the issue and what I thought was the intent of this thread.
Me too. Although, I think and I am pretty sure that this is how it is anyway - the report button works if you chose to use it. My line of thinking is this - everyone is going to screw up one way or another at some point. There is a TOS - most people have read it, some people don't understand it. If someone says something that I think is offensive, wrong, dangerous or upsetting I *CAN* push that report button. In doing that I am reporting a TOS violation that I see. I also have the option of personally giving someone a pass by NOT doing it. If what I know of the person is that this post is out of the norm for them - I don't have to report it. If I read this person as struggling all the time - I don't have to report it. If I know that english is their second language and they most likely didn't mean it - I don't have to report it. I personally chose to give passes when I feel they are appropriate. In that way, *I* don't enforce the TOS (well - ever it's not my job but I hope you follow me) but I am not enforcing it the same way for all people all the time. If someone just flat out irks me constantly. They annoy me. I hate the way they post or the stupid things they say - I CAN ignore them. I don't have to. I can keep getting annoyed and upset.
I believe that DA's should be treated as an 'ism. I wouldn't want to be part of a place that allows DA's to be discriminated against, any more than I want to be part of a place that allowed other types of discrimination.
I want to mention that I am off to TN and won't be around the thread much for the next 4 days - my absence is not that I am leaving the conversation because I think that it is important and timely.
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