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PearlsNLace · 07-25-2010, 08:09 PM

I am finding that Im in a new space of vulnerability right now. I get that it means Im at a great opportunity to grow, but it sucks at the moment.

I was in full blown HALT mode yesterday. And found that I wanted a beer after work. I did what I have been trained to do. I got on the phone. Talked to folk who get it.
Then I ate. Went to a meeting. Talked to my sponsees. Wrote to my sponsor.
Did some step work.
Rested.
Later, I went to a fair festival. I told my partner Im having a rough time, and that the beer was a trigger for me. He listened. It mattered.
I didnt drink.

But Im humbled again today. I am reminded that years dont really matter. Ive only really got today.

I chose rest over a meeting today. I did speak with several in program though. I am going to a meeting tomorrow. Im glad I have a service commitment to see through.

Im on my way to bed. Still feeling vulnerable, fragile. I broke into tears tonight when paphigleo got home, over little things. None of it felt little at that moment. And I only 2/3rds believe it was little now. But I was able to talk. Our precious program has given me the skill set to talk. It hurt to do so. But we got through it. Ive got a good partner, and he hears me out.

Im facing some body issues right now that are really messing with my head. I get that we hold stuff in our noggins till we can deal with and process it. Im glad I have friends, and a structure of support and tools to help me be present for it.

My life is damn good today, and I know it. The problems I have are pretty fancy. I do know that. Im taking a deep breath as I write it all. The problems still hurt though. Im not writing this for pity or for any response at all. Im writing cause the butch femme community has been a part of my network for years, an integral part of the sober person I am today.

On another note, we wont be able to go to the reunion because we just cant cover the travel+time from work+ and a room for just us. On one hand, Im disapointed. On the other, my fatigue makes me think resting in my own back yard may be just where Im suppose to be. I guess I really need to keep focusing on today. I just keep bouncing out.

I may go to work tomorrow with my 24 hour coin in my pocket...

07-25-2010, 08:09 PM	#397
PearlsNLace Member How Do You Identify?: queer Preferred Pronoun?: They/Them & her/she Relationship Status: Lucky, very lucky Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Portlandia, Oregon Posts: 427 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 875 Thanked 1,286 Times in 315 Posts Rep Power: 6505517	Telling on myself. Its what I was taught to do. I am finding that Im in a new space of vulnerability right now. I get that it means Im at a great opportunity to grow, but it sucks at the moment. I was in full blown HALT mode yesterday. And found that I wanted a beer after work. I did what I have been trained to do. I got on the phone. Talked to folk who get it. Then I ate. Went to a meeting. Talked to my sponsees. Wrote to my sponsor. Did some step work. Rested. Later, I went to a fair festival. I told my partner Im having a rough time, and that the beer was a trigger for me. He listened. It mattered. I didnt drink. But Im humbled again today. I am reminded that years dont really matter. Ive only really got today. I chose rest over a meeting today. I did speak with several in program though. I am going to a meeting tomorrow. Im glad I have a service commitment to see through. Im on my way to bed. Still feeling vulnerable, fragile. I broke into tears tonight when paphigleo got home, over little things. None of it felt little at that moment. And I only 2/3rds believe it was little now. But I was able to talk. Our precious program has given me the skill set to talk. It hurt to do so. But we got through it. Ive got a good partner, and he hears me out. Im facing some body issues right now that are really messing with my head. I get that we hold stuff in our noggins till we can deal with and process it. Im glad I have friends, and a structure of support and tools to help me be present for it. My life is damn good today, and I know it. The problems I have are pretty fancy. I do know that. Im taking a deep breath as I write it all. The problems still hurt though. Im not writing this for pity or for any response at all. Im writing cause the butch femme community has been a part of my network for years, an integral part of the sober person I am today. On another note, we wont be able to go to the reunion because we just cant cover the travel+time from work+ and a room for just us. On one hand, Im disapointed. On the other, my fatigue makes me think resting in my own back yard may be just where Im suppose to be. I guess I really need to keep focusing on today. I just keep bouncing out. I may go to work tomorrow with my 24 hour coin in my pocket...