[Scorp]

Some of you know that i'm private, and yes I post things, but not too many in-depth about my emotions. I just feel the need to today.

Yesterday was yet another bad day for me as my brother and I are watching my mother battle with further health issues. She has been an end-stage renal patient for the last 6 years. The last year has been difficult, but now it's becoming harder with many other factors coming in to play. She's currently experiencing what they thought was dementia, but they're saying it's delirium from the pain she has constantly been in for about 4 weeks now. She's developed 2 abscesses on her vertabrae and one near her aorta, and also a bone infection in her vertabrae and recently she has a bad urinary tract infection. These infections are being treated with an antibiotic and it's going to be required for 9 weeks which will be administered to her during her dialysis treatments (which are every other day). It's been week 4 of this particular situation and no led up with excruciating pain. She's in constant pain day after day and the pain is beyond belief. Now bed ridden and she can't have any type of movement. She was such a strong woman back in the day and to see how she's fading and what shes' been through is very, very hard for me to watch. You play the parent and try to be strong in front of them. But when you see them thrashing with pain and crying like a little kid amongst other horrible things, it's beyond heartbreaking and you wish that you can change places with them in a heartbeat to relieve their pain.

Throughout all of this she has had 3 TIAs, a bleeder from dialysis, fistulas, shunts and a human pin cushion, has fallen 3 years ago and broke her femur in 3 places and uses a walker as her legs. Her arms from all of this look like the size of my thigh. Her arms are purple/black and marked up severly. We're talking about a 68 year old woman who basically is 88 as this disease ages you more than some people realize.

Dialysis is no picnic, you are susceptible to many infections which can be life threatening. Lately, I feel like i'm in limbo watching my mother cry out in pain. She has always had a high tolerance for pain, but now it's so severe it's beginning to make her experience delirium and other things. I never ever thought in a million years something like this would happen to such a strong, vibrant person. There she lys in a diaper, tubes now in her. My mother, once a pilar of strength for everyone, it's unimaginable.

Life has not been pleasant with all of this and I'm deeply affected believe it or not. It seems to be one thing after another with her and I wish I could fix it, because that's what I'm used to doing, but with this, I can't. I find myself praying to God asking if she needs to continue like this to please just take her so she will be at peace once and for all.

No one, should ever have to suffer like this with whatever health issues they are experiencing. My heart hurts and I'm very sad and it's been a major emotional rollercoaster for quite some time, but it's getting worse.
I try and keep my sense of humor and go about my everyday business. I have my moments and the last few days have been bad ones. I'm tired, exhausted and sometimes feel empty. Thankfully, I'm able to juggle work with all of this and i'm lucky that they have been supportive. They know my work ethic and know I'm never out of the office unless I need to be. This is one of those times.

We all have to experience this at some point and time in our lives with sick parents. I never thought it would come to this, but it's the reality of it. It's difficult and I just don't know what to say anymore. Mom, I'm scared. I can't imagine you not being here. Even though I feel like I lost you a few years back when this all started, I still can't imagine you not being on this earth one day. I feel as though I'm in limbo. My brother and I have grown closer with all of this. Never thought that would happen, but at this time, that's how it's been. I feel like it's just him and I in our own world with this happening, it's almost surreal.

In her weakened state of mind and in horrific pain she asked the nurse if she knew the "Hail Mary" prayer. The nurse took her hand and they prayed together out loud. I didn't want my mom to see me crying and I had to walk out into the hallway. For me, it was a day of crying and feeling helpless. Trying to be strong and fight back the tears as I took my mother's hand and said it will be okay and the doctors are doing everything to help and get to the bottom of things. Later that day I didn't want to leave her to go home. I wanted to sleep at her bedside and just be there, but they were taking her for more tests and she was delirious in the hallway. My brother and I apologized to the nurses for the outbursts she was having, as that's not my mother's personality at all. They were telling my brother and I to stop apologizing and it's fine and to not feel that way and they totally understand and this is what happens with some folks. These nurses have been wonderful and are amazing.

We finally left the hospital. It's overwhelming and emotions are all over the place. When it's quiet and you're in your own home, you breakdown severely. Today my eyes look like two slits and are swollen. I guess it's going to be a glasses day. I'll be heading back up to the hospital in a little while. I pray she's comfortable today moreso than yesterday.

I'm thankful for my having one of the most wonderful, loving partner's just in general and to console me when I hit rock bottom. I'm thankful for being able to have the freedom to come and go as I please and not be secluded in a hospital room or a rehabilitation place when you are at someone elses mercy. I'm thankful for being able to eat the food/drink that I want. I'm thankful for being able to work and use my mind and have my mobility. I guess I'm just thankful period.

I'm going on and on here and my intent of posting is to NOT expect anyone to sympathize. I'm releasing what my thoughts and feelings through my writing.

Lastly, I'm sure there isn't one household out there that isn't experiencing some sort of difficult subject matter, no matter what it may be.

I just continue to pray for strength.