Originally Posted by Nat
These are some really wonderful posts and I'm so excited so far to read them. (I bet there will be more before I get to post this too).
I think maybe forgiveness is one of those words where many people have different definitions and experiences, so I really deeply appreciate the specificity of these posts.
I grew up in a world with a father who brought mountains of pain to me and my family. I grew up in a world with a mother who never seemed to forgive me for any slight misstep. And in that scenario, when I say she didn't forgive me, it means that she held onto resentment for things I'd done from a very young age, that she held onto her anger, that she acted like a put-upon martyr where I was cause of her distress. Though she managed her anger well, it was palpable and though she would eventually let things drop, she never really let go of the anger - it just seemed to go down to a simmer until the next time she thought to bring it up. She never said things like, "don't worry about it, I know you didn't mean to do such-and-such" or things like that. She would just turn to stone toward me and offer me no comfort, understanding or acceptance - or even just a marker of "let's put all that behind us now and start afresh." Believe it or not, I was a very well-behaved kid to begin with. I feel bad saying all that because I truly adore my mom and think she was and is a great mom in a whole lot of ways. She was a single mom, struggling with little help, and she was younger than I am now when she did most of that stuff. Over the years, I think she's gotten way better at this stuff - I do feel that she forgives me now for my flaws and mistakes. I think probably she's forgiven me for most of my childhood missteps too - she just never let me know.
Anyway, all that and I've never been sure what exactly forgiveness is supposed to be. When I was younger and probably still to this day, I tended to excuse people rather than forgive them. I would try to understand what their experiences were, why they behaved the way they did, and then just excuse their behavior as part of their personality or programming. *
I didn't know what forgiveness even was, and I'm not sure I do now either. I think about it kind of a lot, but without a really good model for it, it's mainly guesswork.
I have heard that not forgiving a person really hurts you more than the other person, and I think that's true. *There's this meditation that I do, where I imagine the people I'm upset with dissolving into light. It feels like just letting go. Is that forgiveness?
I think maybe forgiveness is a combination of accepting the past and just letting go of anger and resentment. I think of it as a self-healing thing, but I also think there are times when it really can help another person move on to let them know you have forgiven them. *There are some people, however, that although I may forgive them, I would no more invite them back into my life than have a picnic on a fire ant mound. I don't think forgiveness has to mean re-inclusion into one's life if a person has patterns of toxicity and damage. I am grateful to those who have forgiven me for the times when I have erred and for the times when my toxicity levels were at their highest. I think also for big things, forgiveness is a long process. *When I do this meditation, sometimes the same people show up over and over again. And I just try to let go of the resentment all over again.
I tend to be harshest on myself - I find it the most difficult to let go of my own resentments toward myself over past actions and inactions. I'm trying to get better with that. I'm trying to get to a place where I accept all people - including me - are human and we all make mistakes sometimes. I think just accepting a certain amount of leeway in human behavior probably helps. And maybe part of what helps me let go of resentments is knowing how comforting it would be to know that those who hold resentments toward me might do the same. I'm not talking about quid pro quo but more like the golden rule.
As far as religion goes, I think a lot of religions do encourage forgiveness, and there may be a spiritual element in it for those of faith, but forgiveness is probably pretty useful sociologically in order to maintain diplomatic group relationships and I think it's probably pretty helpful psychologically for oneself.
A note on what forgiveness isn't: I don't think forgiveness means what happened was okay or right. I don't think it means you have to remove a necessary boundary between you and another person - unless you decide you want to remove the boundary and you no longer find it necessary. I don't think it means that damage didn't occur. I don't think you have to tell another person you've forgiven them if doing so would re-establish connections you don't want to re-establish. *I think it's just one of those things that makes life a little more livable inside one's own existence.
I say all that, but I'm still not sure what forgiveness really means or feels like to other people. I'm really enjoying the other responses here because I feel like there may be opportunity for me to better understand what it is for everybody else.
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