[theoddz]

And the first part of that article from the same page, which I found to also be pretty good.

How To Get Your Hands On A Transman

All right, so you saw that cute guy across the room, and you ask your friends who he is, and they all whisper excitedly - or contemptuously - or worriedly - or with sort of confused expressions on their faces - that said Cute Guy was Once A Woman. Perhaps they are even less diplomatic. However, the more you look at him, the more interested you are, except....how do you approach someone like that? How do you get him interested, without offending him? And what if you actually do get him interested? What do you do with him then?

Or maybe you've just expressed your interest to a hot butch-looking woman, and she informs you that there's something you should know. She considers herself transgendered, and she feels as if she's really a man, and she's considering getting her body changed soon to reflect those feelings. And if you want her, you'd better start thinking of her as him. Now. Before you go any further.

The following tips are for dating people who are already clear about their transgendered status, including those who have already transitioned and got some body mods, and those who haven't but intend to. If your girlfriend of many years suddenly starts talking about getting a sex change, that's a whole different ball game, and one that is best covered by talking to SO's of transmen who went through that very situation. They can also help you with a new flame who is struggling with question of whether to change or not. Get their advice. You are not alone.

However, back to that transman who is looking you right in the eye. First of all, unless they're the really shy type, transmen tend to make eye contact with you more often than bioguys do, because they've been raised women, and frequent eye contact is part of female training. He may know things that other men don't, which may take some getting used to, such as when you complain about your menstrual cramps and he looks at you with a sympathetic expression and says, "Yeah, I remember those. They were awful. Have you tried calcium supplements?" Some transmen, to their shock, have found that many women actually like having "feminine mysteries" that they can explain (or not) to men, and they are unnerved when a man already knows all about it.

Or, if you're male, when you make an offhand comment about not knowing what women want when they say X, and having the transman across the table shift in his seat and say, "Well, when I was living as a girl and I said X, I meant this." There's a certain dissonance in dating a man with a female history, if you're not used to it. However, it can give you great insights into the way things really happen around gender expectations.

Your transman may also not know things about being a man that most men just pick up by the time they're in their teens, such as how men use teasing and insults as both affection and dominance play, and he may have a hard time adapting to that without offense. If he didn't have time as a traditional butch who dated femmes, he may not be well versed in much of standard heterosexual courtship and may miss cues. Don't give him hell for it, or even tell him that it's "the expected thing to do". Tell him it's something you like, that makes you feel good. That's positive reinforcement.

You may have to defend your choice of love interest to your friends, if you're dating a person of nonstandard gender. If you're a gay man or lesbian, you may be accused by peers of going straight, or lesbians may be plagued with friends who refuse to see him as anything but female, and deliberately screw up on pronouns. If you're a straight woman, you may be accused of lesbianism, and if you're a straight man, well, you're going to have to admit that you're not as straight as you thought you were. If you really want this guy, however, you're just going to have to deal with the harassing and be firm about it. Real friends are happy for you, and don't get weird about your lover's genitals or preferred gender. Anyone else can just shove it. Repeat this to yourself often.

On a similar tack, if your transman is out of the closet and open about who and what he is, he made that decision for strong personal reasons that he believes in. Don't ever ask him to go back in just for your personal comfort or embarrassment. Conversely, if he's in the closet, don't out him without permission.

One of the most important things about dating a transgendered person is that we really need to you express to us that you see us as the gender we are. If your particular transman hasn't made any body mods and still looks, for all intents and purposes, like a woman, this is often a difficult request. That's where that imagination thing gets used, all right? Concentrate on the things that seem male about him, both physically and mentally. Even if you can't quite handle the mental editing needed to do it, use your imagination and treat it as a role-play. If that seems too much for you to deal with on a regular basis, then he isn't right for you.

Things to do to show him that you do consider him male: Get his pronouns right . . . "my boyfriend", or "my gentleman friend", or "that cute guy" will help. If he wants certain parts of his anatomy called certain things, go with it. (For example, one pre-mastectomy FTM was all right with having his breasts touched, but only if his lover referred to them as "pecs".) But don't try so hard that you overdo it and look like you're humoring him.

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~Theo~