[ravfem]

At the age of 16, i got pregnant for the first time. At my 6 month check-up, they put the monitor on my tummy so we could all hear the heartbeat, as usual. Only, this time there was none detected. The nurse assured me this was common and he probably was just situated so that it wasn't easily detected. The next morning i went for an ultrasound. my mama was with me. They let me watch the screen, and as soon as they started the test i could see him, and i fell in love. i was crying with happiness. But everyone else was quiet. The dr kept moving the thing around, and began poking my tummy harder & harder.

Finally, he looked at my mama and said, "he's dead....he's not alive."

i was in shock. i started crying and i heard my mama tell the dr that she had lost her first baby too (i had had no idea before then).

They sent me to the dr's office to have seaweed sticks inserted to begin dilating my cervix. While there, a nurse talked to me about what i could expect and all the emotions i would go through. i don't really remember much of the talk.

my mama took me from there to the hair stylist's to get my hair cut (i had to be presentable for the hospital stay). The girl doing my hair was making small talk.... "do you know what you're having??". i just mumbled, "no" and was quiet.

The next morning, i was admitted and started on an IV to induce labor. 12 hours later, i delivered my baby boy, Michael, alone in the room by myself. (it hadn't been too long before that they'd checked my progress and i sent my husband to go get the nurse when i felt him actually crown).

As she did the cord cutting and wrapping him up in a blanket, i had my head turned and my eyes shut tight. i felt numb. She gently asked if i would like to see him or hold him. i shook my head no, imagining a monster.... She took him away and my family came in a few minutes later.

They put me in a private room at the end of the maternity ward. i heard babies crying, parents celebrating.... and i cried. my milk came in and they gave me a shot to dry it up.

3 days later (this tells you how long ago it happened....3 whole days i stayed in the hospital!) the dr came in to discharge me. At the end of the visit, i told him how much i regretted not holding Michael. He pulled out a small picture from the breast pocket of his shirt and handed it to me.... it was my baby, perfectly formed. He weighed 14 ounces.

When i got home, my husband tucked me in bed and brought a briefcase in to me. Inside were the hospital bracelets for Michael, along with his footprints, the card announcing his birth weight & name, and the hospital blanket. i added the picture, and after the graveside services held for him, the guest book.

i carried that briefcase with me through my many moves for over 2 decades. An ex had a friend who worked for a gravestone maker, and asked her to make a small granite marker for me, with his name & the date. i moved that each time too.

It was years before i finished my grieving process for him. But i finally did a few years ago. i got rid of the briefcase & marker. i realized no longer needed them, and that ridding myself of them had nothing to do with my remembering him.

i still occasionally think of him. Wonder what he'd be like today, at the age of 26. i have my living son Tony to compare him to, although logically i know that the 6 years between their births made a huge difference in their non-comparable upbringings.

Each year on his birth day, i send him kisses & hugs.

i no longer feel sad, because i know that Mama Nature knew what was best for him, and for me.

i learned, because of Michael, that no one in the world has the right to tell you how long your grieving should last, or that they know what you're going through because they've been there too. They may know some similarities.... but they are not me and therefor they do not know how i felt.

i also learned that i did indeed have to let go. That it was not healthy for me to hang on to him or to my life at that time. The guilt i felt for what i may have done to cause his death was only killing me slowly....there was no purpose for it. It happened as it was meant to happen....Mother Nature knows best.