Originally Posted by Rainbowchick07
Well first and foremost I wanted to make sure this didn't get lost because it was a beautiful statement and I really appreciated it.
Now... Wow, I'm not even sure where to start. I am glad that healthy discussion is taking place, but a part of me also feels a tad disheartened that a thread that was started with the purest intentions to be SUPPORTIVE of T-Femmes and a space where we can find solace with each other and our allies, has sort of been turned into an indictment of our identities. But again, I am glad that discussion is taking place because that is how we all learn and grow...
I also find the discussion interesting because while my T-Femme identity is not solely based on my partner, it does have something to do with it. So does my lesbian identity. My identity as a writer, a photographer, a student, a gamer, are also dependent in different quantities of outside forces. If I was never attracted to women, then I probably wouldn't have taken on a lesbian identity, if words or cameras, schools, or video games didn't exist, then i wouldn't have those as part of my identity. So the idea that if trans guys didn't exist then I wouldn't have taken on the T-Femme identity, is relevant, but I don't think that it's a negative thing. But the fact that my partner happens to be a trans guy is only part of that part of my identity...
Now to answer some of the questions that have been asked and give my thoughts from my experience and speak my truth: This is ONLY how I perceive my identity and how it has evolved.
When I was growing up, I always knew I was different. But due to socialization, I thought I liked boys and dated them, but it just never really felt right. When I was finally exposed to the alternative, it was like the smoke had cleared. I just knew that I was gay. I came out as Bi out of fear, even though I knew I would never be with cismen again. My first girlfriend was sorta femme and I tried to be butch. (Which actually manifested as more of a faggy baby dyke then anything else.) After that I met my ex and it did almost feel that through her overt masculinity, I found my femme self.
My femme self has grown and evolved from just being a feminine lesbian, to being a femme lesbian, (which I believe are different, but that is another topic), to Transsensual Femme Lesbian. After that first girlfriend, every single other person I have been attracted to has had some degree of masculinity. And for me a part of my identity is about who I am attracted to. I keep the Lesbian part of it because I am still attracted to female id'd butches. But I am also attracted to male id'd butches, and trans butches, and trans masculine butches, etc. and I am attracted to trans guys. When I was exposed to the broad spectrum of butches and trans guys and found that I was deeply attracted to all the above, was when I added the Transsensual part to my identity.
Also, for me, while I firmly believe that love is not based on gender, I am not attracted to cismen, and don't think a relationship with a fully transitioned man who lived stealth and completely negated his past would work. I am too queer for that, and would like for my partner to move through the world by my side in that.
I think this is why Logic and I are so perfect together. I love my boyfriend, for his heart, not for his genitalia. And I believe that there are two very important factors for me that I think will make all the difference when/if he starts his physical transition. The first is that he will never let go of queer identity. He is a man, but he is not a straight male, and does not want me to be a straight female to that straight male. He is proud of me in my identity and he is comfortable in his queerness. I think that is important for me. The other factor is that we are on the journey together. His transition is happening in stages, and I am by his side every step of the way. This way I can adapt as he physically changes.
Finally for me, I feel like the Transsensual part of my identity is a accurate way to describe my evolution. I feel that my sensuality has and still is in transition as in movement or passage from one stage or state to another. Sexually, I am not the same person I was 11 years ago still dating the last cismale I ever dated. And I believe I will continue to move and grow and evolve forever...
Well those are my thoughts for the day, I hope I didn't ramble on too much...
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