May I ask a question?
What is the big deal if some femmes like the term T-femme, transensual femme, or SOFFA? Honestly, what is the big f-ing deal?
As a transman (who apparently can't speak for himself when it comes to 'othering') I do not feel othered or fetishized by the term or by the fact that there are femmes in the world who like to date transmen. Speaking for myself as a transman, I do not feel othered at all. In fact, it's damned refreshing for a change. For ten years I have seen thread after thread about femmes who like this kind of butch and femmes who like that kind of butch and femmes who like all butches and so on and so forth. I have seen thread after thread about why femmes will NOT partner with transmen, and I've endured horror story after horror story about how ThisFemme or ThatFemme once dated a transman, and he turned out to be dick. I have listened to lesbian femmes discuss all the reasonings and whynots that they find transmen "disturbing".
Ya' know, there ARE differences in relationships between those who are transitioning and those who aren't transitioning. There just are. And guess what...femmes who ARE partnered with transmen, haven't had a thread in...what?...at least 4or5 years now. There have been issues in my relationships in which my partners had NO other femmes with whom to discuss certain issues, questions, whatnots that came up...and the same rings true today, because some people don't like a term that other people have decided for themselves to use in their identities. Can't there just be a thread in which femmes who want or need a place to discuss the issues they deal with in our relationships to share and discuss without feeling accosted? Because honestly, Mahhh Woman is accosted enough by outsiders, family, the queer community, the straight community, by coworkers, and even by random strangers on the street.
I mean, for chrissakes, if saying you like transmen is 'othering' than we'd better shut down all of the "I love butches, because..." threads too for being 'othering'...I mean, since butches just want to be 'normalized' and all.
For realz, can't there just be ONE thread in which femmes partnered with transmen can just have a conversation without having their identities picked apart again? Because it's not like there's a slew of Partners of Transmen waltzing around in every city to just ask whatever random question you have or to find support. And it's not like their identities aren't picked apart already be the majority of the queer community telling them they're not queer or the majority of the straight community telling them they're not straight.
And one more question, why is it that a femme's sexuality is assumed to be pansexual within this community? NO ONE would have their knickers in a twist if this were a thread in which femmes wanted to talk about how they only partner with female ID'd butches, and how hot they think female ID'd butches are. I mean, honestly, are femmes just supposed to be into any butch who crosses the street? Or are they allowed to be interested in particular types of butches? Or particular subsets? Or (god forbid) ONLY transmen? Seriously. This really is a serious question, because I see this happen a lot...yet, butches are NEVER questioned as to why they only like X femmes, or Y femmes. This just reeks of more monitoring of sexuality. Yeah, some femmes are going to be into transmen and not cismen...sexuality isn't black and white, and there's a grey area in between straight and lesbian <shocking, I know>. And some femmes are going to ID more along the straight lines by only partnering with X transmen or B transmen or male ID'd butches. And some femmes are going to ID as lesbian, but date transmen <again, so shocking>. I mean, that's just the way it is...or are femmes really supposed to be omnisexual in this community? Are they really supposed to be hot for everyone EXCEPT cismen...oh wait, they're supposed to be hot for cismen too, because if they're not hot for cismen too, you can bet some transguy is going to feel invalidated. Sounds like a double bind to me.
Again, there are some very specific differences between dating a transguy and dating a female ID'd butch or a pre-T guy or a guy who's been on T for two years/four years/6months/etc or a cisman. So, why can't that be discussed without another breakdown of terms? I mean, who's Mahhh Woman supposed to ask about shooting T in my ass without killing me if that's a concern she has? And who are partners supposed to talk to about things like being read as straight when you consider yourself a lesbian? And who are partners supposed to talk to about navigating workplace issues after they've invested years in coming out at work, only to now be partnered with a transguy and having to explain using male pronouns? Or how about coming out to your family, and now you have to go back to your family and say, "Oh, by the way, I'm now with a guy...who may or may not look like a girl this week." Seriously, these are all issues partners I've had would have LOVED to discuss with other femmes, but they were too afraid (or fed up) to bring it up on these boards, because they knew how the conversation would go. These are all conversations A LOT of partners could really benefit from, and they're conversations most of us transguys don't have answers to either. Our transitions are not one way paths that don't affect our partners (and contrary to popular belief, they're not all about us either...as has been repeated a billion times in the "Why I Won't Date A Transman" Threads). So, honestly, the next time my partner asks me a question on an issue I don't face, who should she ask next? Should she come here to squabble over someone else's ID? If you don't like the term, don't use it...seems pretty simple. I mean, I don't much care for the term transsexual, so I don't use it...but if other transguys claim that term for themselves, it really doesn't affect me; so I'm not understanding why the thread has to get stuck on Bit's or Rainbow's personally chosen term/additional marker/distinguishing/ID/label/supplement/whatever y'all want to call it. I mean, if you don't like 'babygirl' does that mean other people can't use it to describe themselves? Because doesn't that 'other' daddies? (rhetorical)
If there IS a soffa site somewhere, will someone please let me know, so I can pass it along to not only Mahhh Woman but other femmes I know who are partnered to transguys and have questions/would like to meet other soffas, but who don't want to have their sexuality/IDs re-hashed or scrutinized one.more.time.
Thank You,
Dylan