[Soft*Silver]

I have chronic and acute back problems. And fibromyalgia. And a nasty monstrous hiatal hernia that has sapped the life right out of me for over a year. And while I am not losing my sight, I tend to need eye surgery every year or every other year, for retinal detachments and recently, for corneal problems. I also have depression and after living with my medical problems and poverty, I developed anxiety and then, panic attacks. I could go on but you get the picture. I just got on SSDI and it made me rich comparitively to what I have been living on for the past almost three years...which was $115 a month. Yeah. Mercy. So for the past three years I refused relationships or romance. I focused on me. Actually in the past before my health issues, I didnt fair well with relationships and while I would like to believe it was all their faults, it wasnt. Even before my health went bad, I was difficult and I needed to work on myself even then. So now while I havent been working and have had time on my hands, I took the time to better myself. I spent time in therapy and in spiritual practices. Its an ongoing process and I like the results I am getting.

My physical health is also improving. So is my mental and spiritual. (Tho out of all three, I need most help still in the spiritual domain.) I am a better person than I have ever been. But i am still not interested in a romance. Not the "walk down the aisle, I am ready to say forever romance". Hell, I just got my meds right! LOL You know how long that took?

Here is a bit of philosophy...I just now realize the real answer to life. Time. And no one wants to give it. I do. I have dug my stilletoes deep into the ground and I am dragging myself slowly thru time. Not because I am disabled. But because I am able to do that....no one can take that away from me. Only me.

I have sat for two years on BFP watching people be in love, fall sadly out of love, happily find love, never get over being hurt, never fall out of love, never find love at all....the whole time just sitting and watching and praying for everyone to be happy. What did I pray for myself? to stay out of harms way..and the only way I could do that was to stay single. For me, this was a good decision...

we all look for different things in our lives. I hope you find yours, Damsel...