[sylvie]

my father's alcoholism... *sad sigh*

i do so well, to distance myself these days, but when the going gets tough, it's hard to seem uncaring.. i know it's not that i don't care, because i do, and i want him well and i want him to stop and it's been years and years of taking care of him and it tears me apart to see him do this to himself and constantly rush him to the hospital..

i had to distance myself for my own sanity, because it's not something i can stop and it's certainly not my addiction to own either.. and i feel for him, for being in what seems like this deep sadness and lack of energy and he just isn't well.. his liver isn't well.. his heart isn't well.. so i need to not take this on..

but part of me just feels soo soo guilty, for not being there for him when he's going through his pain, his feeling unwell, his looking unwell.. i'm scared he'll start taking the seizures from withdrawal symptoms, and i'm also so scared he'll hurt himself or someone else... i'm just scared.. i'm scared that i'm making a bad decision my distancing him when he's like this, i'm scared i'll lose my father to this addiction and feel an enormous amount of guilt for the rest of my life for not trying to do what i could.. though i've tried for about 30 years now - i have begged, i have pleaded, i have taken over being his next of kin and tried to intervene, i've tried everything.. there just isn't anything more i can do unless he seeks help.. i just want to break down and cry when i hear him this way..

this week, i will try and gain the strength to make that phonecall again, to attend al anon meetings.. the first time i tried, i didnt return after the first meeting, i was a twisted ball of emotions and petrified to go back. but i need something... anything...

=(