[jelli]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Hey jelli...I wanted to come in and post after reading you...mostly because I feel like we have a lot in common. I've not done the diet cycle (although my dearest friend has and I've watched and supported her as she struggled), I've just tended to stay heavy....and I know that's primarily for emotional reasons.

I don't think it's self-sabotage (for me) as much as it is self-soothing. I had to laugh at my own reaction to Dee's post that "nothing tastes as good as thin feels"....because honestly, and please don't take this wrong Dee because you know I think you're wonderful....I got angry.

I've heard these kinds of things all my life...from my mother, from my sister, from boyfriends and girlfriends, from casual acquaintances, from the media, from co-workers....ugh.

Here's the deal for me. I have never been thin. I never will be. I'm not built that way. I have always been, and will always be...big, solid and curvy with a huge ass. I come from that good peasant stock that could plow all day and have 10 babies. My "thin" will never be "thin enough." And I know that. It can get discouraging. Because the core message in all that supposedly well-meaning talk is that I will never be good enough...despite all of my efforts.

Coupled with that...I have felt alone, and lonely, for the vast majority of my life. Even inside an otherwise good relationship, there is a part of me that feels unwanted and alone. I know where that comes from...and I've fixed it as much as I can...but it's still there.

It's that part of me that eats to soothe.

Maybe this belongs in the listening thread...sorry!

I definitely self sooth, but somehow I want to be healthy enough to get beyond that mechanism.

For clarification purposes only - I don't do diet after diet. I just have tried several things over the past years.

I said something in reference to Dee's post about how thin feels and was trying to do so in away that stated I didn't agree. I even attempted to cover up my frustration with that statement by using an "lol".