[christie]

I have been following the conversation and can genuinely understand Kobi's frustration and disappointment in that the thread simply about being proud to be a lesbian as turned into another dismantling, redefining of a word.

Some may not agree, but I do see how "lesbian" has been marginalized in online BF communities. That I ID as femme yet openly admit attraction to other femmes has been met with less than open arms, mostly by masculine ID'd or transmen. That's not me being transphobic or a misandrist, but it is my personal experience.

I do think that defining lesbian does include who you fuck. I made some choices in my 20's to try and walk that hetero path. It was a choice. It didn't change that I was a lesbian; however, to me, I didn't get to claim being a lesbian because I had the legal rights and privileges associated with being a heterosexual. I didn't claim it because I wasn't getting the shit beat out of me for fucking women. I didn't claim it because I didn't get disowned/kicked out for fucking women. I didn't get to claim it because I wasn't living as one.

The unfortunate part of re-defining lesbian (to me) is that there are legalities attached to it - if I had the same rights as a heterosexual woman, it probably wouldn't matter so much that the persons claiming the ID might not actively fuck women. I think that as I came to live an authentic, true to myself life, I have become more protective of that descriptor. I have fought to claim it, both personally, socially and professionally.

I will say that I have never experienced so much interpretation, defining, re-interpretation, re-defining, dismantling, rebuilding, casting aside and reclaiming of descriptors as I have in the online BF communities. I don't see it in other queer online communities and I don't see it in my real life communities.

Jess and I attended a Melissa Etheridge concert last week. Holy cow - ten thousand or so folks, mostly lesbians. I saw a great many interactions, but not once did I hear a conversation about descriptors. (Some may not like my use of "descriptors" but that's the place in my life that IDing words fall) One might argue that it wasn't the venue for such conversations to take place, but in all of my real-time interactions with a great number of queers, OC (online communities) are the ONLY place it takes happens. The only time I have been involved with these types of conversations in real time is when I am in a group of folks who also participate in OC. Period. Many years of meaningful, raw conversations and not once can I recall if it mattered if one was female ID'd, masculine ID'd, femme, butch, etc. Femme and butch might have come into play if it was a conversation about what/who flips my switches, but none of what I call the overanalyzation of words.

I really do give less than a damn about how folks ID. The only IDs that matter to me are mine and Jess' - and the only time hers matters is when its being cast aside, erased or questioned.

I completely understand how it feels to be erased or feel made less than - lesbian HAS been dismissed in BF online communities and its because we lesbians allowed it to happen. Shame on me for not speaking louder. Shame on me for conceding space. Shame on me for being complacent.

Sometimes, I think I am just too comfortable in my skin.

This is just my take on it - your mileage may vary.