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Originally Posted by JustJo
I find myself crying at the drop of a hat...feeling emotional and exhausted and frustrated and angry and depressed and things I don't even have a word for....wanting closeness and support and then also wanting everyone to just leave me the hell alone. Meanwhile...life goes on, and I need to be an employee and a mother and a partner and make dinner and and and.....and function.
How do you all do it?
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One foot in front of the other.
But, I know that you are coming from a different place from me.
It makes sense to me Jo that in the face of your mother's (possible) terminal illness, that a lot of things are going to come up for you. I think it happens to every person that is being faced with a significant loss.
Since your relationship is so complicated and there is so many left over feelings about the past, it makes it even more complicated, I think.
All of the "symptoms" you describe can really fall under "loss' when the death of a person you have a complicated relationship with ends. And I am not calling your mother "terminal" (did she tell you the 6 month thing, or the oncologist himself/herself?), but I wonder if being clear on her prognosis would help things a bit for you. Being in the gray area is hard.
The best suggestion I could give you is to consider counseling to help you move through all of this. I know that is a pat answer, but....
If you are open to that, look for a therapist who specializes in working with people/partners who have cancer. At the place where I received my chemo, they had two psychologists that I could have seen. Really though, any therapist who works with loss should have the skill set to help a person work through all their mixed feelings about someone who was not so kind to them, passing.
Also, most importantly, give yourself a break. Right now you may not be able to be the best employee, partner, mother. And that is ok. I suspect that you are a person who feels guilty if she can't be superwoman 24/7, but guess what, sometimes superwoman needs a rest.
Ask your partner to hang in there with you and be there when you need her, but back off when you need her to do that, too. Apologize to your kid if you have less patience than usual...and work..either talk with your boss, or fake it.
Good luck. You WILL get there.
And come in here and talk whenever you like...PLEASE!