I keep reading yesterdays postings over and over. Each time, I see something different in them. They all, in one way or another, speak to me and for me.
In another thread, Aj referred to something which seems very pertinent to this one. She said something like, we need to apply the abstractions/theories to the real life experiences of people who have tried to live by them.
Abstractions have their benefits but they sometimes obscure the real life implications and experiences of those who are trying to apply them. Heart also spoke to how our life experiences and our socializations also affect our current realities and perceptions. It rings so true to me.
I am very thankful to all these women for beginning to identify the elephant(s) in the room. I'm not sure if it is one elephant with many parts or many elephants, each with its own issues. Hard for me to sort out at this point. I have few answers but many many questions.
Personal safety is something, I think, we can all agree is an individual thing and a right of sorts. Safety comprises a lot tho. It means physical, psychological, emotional, identity and more that is just not coming to mind right now. It refers to internal safety, external safety, and the interplay between the two. Complicated stuff. But, who gets to make the decisions about it?
I had an experience I'd like to share that falls in the same kind of categries that have been discussed here about safety. I was on another site not long ago, having a wonderful chat with a transman in his 20's about sports. It was nice even if he was a Yankee fan.
At some point, the conversation went from nice to internal warnings sprouting all over. It became very uncomfortable for me because boundaries were being challenged and crossed. This was posing a dilemma I would rather not have had to deal with.
The process was like this.... if I looked at it with my butch glasses I was both annoyed and amused i.e. I am a lesbian and a butch, what part of these was confusing him? And why?
If I looked at it with my female glasses, I felt threatened and my personal space felt violated. I was also doing that internal dance of what vibe am I giving off that would make him think this was an okay thing to do? Is it me or is it him?
If I used my lesbian glasses, I was thinking things like what kind of messages might this guy be getting and from where to think lesbians are fair game for him? There was a definate sense that he was entitled to do it because he was a transman and that made it different even tho his behavior, to me, was just plain male privilege and attempts to dominate.
His behavior isnt indicative of all transman or even all men. It was an individual thing which just had a lot of implications and reprecussions from where I stood and from the experiences of my life.
From here, the issues became a little more general in my head. How and IF I was going to address this was a problem. Is my establishing boundaries going to be perceived as a phobia or an ism? Is it a phobia or an ism? Have I become so socialized to be mindful of phobias and isms that I really need or have to second guess my gut feelings and initial assessments everytime something potentially conflictual arises? Do we use phobias and isms to correct actual trangressions or are we using them to obscure something else?
In the same arena is woman's space and lesbian space. I am a big advocate for both. Does this make me a separatist or someone looking to exclude or a phobic? Or am I just someone who believes I am entitled to define my space and who all is invited into it and when? Sometimes, it feels like some force outside of me is trying to coerce me into believing I, as a woman and a lesbian, should not feel entitled to my own spaces. Here, to me, is when the abstract and the reality clash big time.
As I said I dont have answers or even suggestions. I am even hesitant to try and define the issue(s) as being indicative of this or that. Seems to me we are just beginning to explore this stuff and the ways in which it affects us. Deciding what it is and where it might come from seems prudent. Recognizing it is a process which is unfolding is paramount. Listening to one another, talking to one another, validating one anothers experience(s) can be nothing other than helpful.
I am just hesitant to rush to potential solutions without better understanding of what is actually happening and why it might be occuring.
|