[Gentle Tiger]

I've been thinking a lot about this subject. More questions have come to mind than answers. And I have been on a journey of self discovery as of late. Hence, the slowness to post in this thread. I like to think things through before speaking.

One question that I have is why it is that when it comes to discussing Femme led relationships the discussion can't stay on that topic. Why is it that BDSM, D/S, M/S, what the butch/trans needs, etc. always seems to be pushed to the top? It's like we just can't handle a Femme being in charge. The conversations gets clouded with a bunch of noise, kind of like when there is a discussion about a woman being president or a woman of color being on the Supreme Court. We can't talk about her qualities, and accomplishments. It seems the same here. This isn't the first thread dealing with this topic but the results are frequently the same.

We say we love femmes. We adore them. And yet, we can't stay focused when comes to her being the one that the butch/transman follows. Even in 2011, most conversations still spin around the butch/transman being in charge and the sweet, delicate femme being led and protected by them. Please!

The Femme-Butch dance is just as powerful and beautiful as the Butch-Femme dance. Why does it have to fit inside someone's blasted box? The older I get the more I hate boxes and labels. And I'm old (115)! lol We resent, scream and are ready to challenge anyone when forced by the straight world to conform to a particular box and label. Yet we're quick to judge, insult, disrespect those who don't neatly conform to the boxes that some group defined within the LGBT world. Not all femmes can be in charge inside of the relationship. Why? Because some femmes are followers. They need to follow. That makes them happy. But the reverse is also true. Not all femmes can be followers. Why? Because they are natural born leaders. They must be in charge. Following for too long will make them nuts with a few of my friends, grouchy. You can't have two heads. Someone has to lead and someone has to follow. Otherwise there is no dance no matter what kind of relationship you're talking about. I know, I know. There is sharing within a relationship. Decisions are made together. But even then, someone is leading the discussion.

I think somewhere along the line whether consciously or unconsciously oppressed people bring some of the hetero foolishness into their relationships. And I think we as a community at times still think that the butch/transman has to be like the caveman who drags the woman by the hair into the cave, must be the provider, blah, blah, blah. Now I know some will say this is not true. But isn't it? Think about how Femmes are portrayed. I say this based on things that I read these days and conversations I hear. Why can't the Femme be the one dragging the butch/transman by the hair, calling the shots, and being the boss? Well she couldn't drag me by the hair because I have no hair. But I digress. Those who think that a butch/transman is less than because they are able to let a Femme lead in my opinion have bought into the lie that the male/masculine energy (whatever form) must be in charge. In the straight world a man is not a real man if people see that he lets the woman wear the proverbial pants. And yet most honest men will admit the wife is the boss. She calls the shots. And more often than not I hear butches and transmen admitting that their wife, girlfriend, lady friend or whatever descriptor they use runs the show. So what's the problem. We still haven't let go of the traditional mentality - male means being first and in charge.

A Femme led relationship in my opinion is not about being a top, bottom or flipping. I've always despised the term flipping. I am not a pancake for crying out loud! Ok, back to the subject. It 's about how people are wired. And doing what it takes to dance with joy. I am attracted to and need a strong, brilliant, sexy Femme for many reasons. And understanding that, I also know that if she has the qualities I am looking for she will be in charge. That's part of the dance between she and I. That will not take away from who I am, what I bring to the table, and what I need while at the table. I know this will put me in a less than position in the minds of some. And quite frankly I don't give a flying ****. Ahem! I'm back.

I am a complicated transman. I am strong person. I am a Daddy. I am a boy. I am a leader. And I have no problem with a Femme calling the shots. There are, however, things that need to be in place in order for me to relax and follow her lead. I will not go into them here since I am not the subject of this thread. I have to say this was not always my position. But growing spiritually and just plain growing up has helped me shed a lot of layers and a lot of junk that has kept me from being who I wish to be and enjoying what I wish to enjoy.

Thank you Weatherboi for starting this thread. You have played a part in my journey. So thank you my brother!