[Deborah]

My hubby waited a long time after he told me before he actually transitioned (for reasons I won't go in to here) but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. We went to doctors, therapists, group counseling, support groups, you name it. All about HIM. All about trans issues. Because we were activist people, we were activist in this as well. Almost every day there were guys sittiing in my living room talking about penises. I'm a lesbian dudes, penises (unlike "cock") do not attract me.

Do not think I am exaggerating here. In those days at least, when presurgical transmen met, THE top of converation was penises. Was it possible to have one? Which doctor could do the best surgery? What kind of procedures were involved. How much did it cost, Could you get insurance to pay for it? ... and the big one ... Would it WORK?

Thank goodness for MY sake, not all Transmen are interested in going so far as to have bottom surgery...I was with a butch that a year into the relationship decided he wanted to transition and it was like what I copied above, his desire to take that next step was there even if the means to do so never was...at least not during our relationship. The relationship ended for other reasons but I made it perfectly clear then and to everyone else - I have no issue with FTM/transitioning, top surgery or taking T. For ME I could not/do not want to even try to make it work beyond that...I dont consider this a condition on my love for someone, I doubt having a penis (working or not) would make me suddenly stop loving them (I still love my ex-husband, although not romantically) but the reason I left him is the same reason I would leave them...I just cannot live that way.

Sex is an important part of a relationship for me (saying that makes me smile because during my marriage I thought if I never had sex again it would be fine) and I cannot, will not have sex with a 'penis'. I have been out about 13 years and I still feel very niaive about the right and wrong things to say or do...and the last thing I want is to offend anyone...I am strictly speaking for ME. From the very first time I even entertained the thought of being with a woman she was butch very butch...I am attracted to that look, that energy, the maculine/femme dynamic (for ME that may come from living most of my life in a hetero world) whatever it is - it is. I feel I have the best of both worlds with my man. He is himself - and open about it when necessary and not when it isnt necessary...I still very much want to identify as a QueerFemme...being a femme has always made it difficult in my daily world....he understands that I love him for him but it doesnt change me. We talked A LOT about lots of stuff during our getting to know each other period...since we started out being friends it was easy not to hold back likes and dislikes...that 'honeymoon' period where you just want to say all the right things. We had both had relationships that went bad due to not having a clear understanding of what was gonna be a deal breaker and what would work.

I feel for the girl in the original story - like has been said if going in you had no idea this was what you were signing up for it's difficult at best and it has to be understood BOTH people are going through it and in this case not her choice. Seems the overwhelming agreement here is communicating what your feelings are about yourself, your partner and your future. Don't leave out those "daydreams" of living in the wilderness someday off the land, or one day selling everything and traveling the country or perhaps taking the next step to live in the body you always dreamed of....TALK.

I had to come back and say the title to this thread should say..."Loving a Transman Isn't Easy if That's Not What You Signed Up For" because I find loving a transman to be one of the easiest things I have ever done