((((( Anya )))))....you totally should post this stuff in this thread
I think a lot of us struggle with the negative "you're too fat" self-image....I know I do.
Let me give you some snippets of my tapes...
...my mother, telling me about how grossed out she was taking a first aid class in school and being paired with a heavy girl...and having to
touch her *shudder, grimace*
...my sister...writing in my middle school annual...on the back of the page signed by all of my dearest friends, some advice for my life...starting with the fact that I should lose at least 35 pounds...and several paragraphs about why....I threw the annual away, and now wish with all my heart I had kept it since the dearest of them committed suicide about 6 months later....ironically, I probably weighed about 145 at the time, and was 5' 6"...losing 35 lbs would have been downright dangerous
...my mother's family...who was the only family I knew growing up...all naturally thin...who would stare at me pointedly anytime I ate and cluck their tongues or shake their heads
...my mother, shopping for clothes with me as I left home for college...once I thought we had patched things up as well as they could be....getting more and more visibly disgusted as we went up in sizes and nothing fit. In part, that was because I had never had new clothes in my life...and had no idea what size I was in. She stomped away when we hit size 20....muttering and gesturing. I bought my own clothes...and we never talked about it.
There is a tape in my head that says "you're fat, you're ugly, no one will ever want you." And, with all the counseling I've done, journaling, soul-searching, and proof to the contrary....there is a part of me that still believes those lies.
It's a constant struggle for me. Even being where I am now, confident and strong in myself, and knowing that those who judge based purely on size aren't worth having....I still fight it.
Life is ironic though....and my mother, struggling with cancer and chemo, is fighting to get enough food in herself to stay alive. Her weight dropped to 96 pounds at one point...now up to 114...and what she needs more than anything is a little more weight...a little more strength.
For the first time, heavy looks good to her...and when she is stumbling and too sick to care for herself, it wasn't her skinny daughter that was there for her....it was her "fat" one.
Hugs to all of you on this journey.
