[foxyshaman]

I weighed in Friday and am down a pound. I am sooooo close to 50 lbs lost. I am not sure if I am going to make my Jan 6 goal. But, I have to let it go. I won't torture myself for not living up to my own view of perfection. Perfection.... easy to spell but... how do I wear that?

I talked myself out of going to the gym this morning. And I can live with that. I went four out of five days this week and will go tomorrow. If I go out dancing tonite, I will certainly get my exercise. One of the nicest things about going out to a bar at 45 is no one is trying to pick me up. I can dance to my hearts content... and dancing makes my heart content. And sweaty dancing makes my legs and lungs content. One day someone asked me what it was that caused my smile while dancing... I responded (not sure where this came from) "Music is the tongue that licks my soul, and dance is the expression of my ecstasy". And that is true.

I am grateful to the meaningful messages that I read here. I am grateful for the honesty. For the sharing of heartache . For the memories of the beginnings of negative relationships with food. And for our successes. A Jungian analyst I quite admire was anorexic for 25 years. In her healing, and work since, she has come to see food as the Mother. Not a mother, but rather an aspect of the archetype of Mother. The Negative Mother. Food is what comforts us when we are not comforted by our real world mother. Our soul still needs nourishing, so we take it from food. Well, some of us do. I did. If I did not work so hard this year to understand my relationship with the MOTHER I don't think I would have kept up with my journey. I would have given up... like always. But this time.... this time I wanted to heal. Not just lose weight.

So, this time of Christmas is loaded with triggers for me. I am not overeating. I am exercising. But the trauma, the unconscious (unaware) me is still holding onto weight this season. I am not surprised. I am, surprisingly, not worried. I have patience with my process. I have to, what other choice is there?

I was asked earlier this week if I had set a weight loss goal for 2011. I looked quite quizzical and said "No". Then I pondered that. This is the first time in my weight loss journey that I have not set a goal. I decided this time I would be public with my shame and body. First time ever. I decided that my body would do what it would do, and I would NOT beat myself up for it.

So far so good.

Today I am especially grateful. Today I am grateful for the witnesses. Today I am grateful I can read similar stories of triumph, heartbreak and honesty.

You make me feel brave. You make it okay to be vulnerable.