Lately, what has been on my mind is all the stops along the way to where I am.
August of 2005 I moved in to my parents house with my two kids. My daughter was almost 3 and my baby son had just turned 1 that June. My husband, I had just found out, had been skimming our paychecks to pay for drugs. He was clean again... and the plan then was to find a new job, then send for us.
By October of 2005, I knew I didn't want to go back. I started back to school, and looked for ways to build a new life.
I came out that year as a lesbian. I think I was more surprised then anyone.
I started my first relationship with a woman that spring. I loved her dearly, and to this day we are still close friends. I lived with her for 2 years, she taught me many things, about myself, and about the new world I found myself in the middle of.
Since then there have been a steady stream of wishful possibilities, and all ending with the same result... Wanting me to be someone I wasn't. And in the end I was always too much or not in enough.
A year ago, two people came into my life. They became my friends quickly. Friends with a complicated history and obvious feelings for one another. I talked to each as they expressed their doubts of turning to one another again and I watched as they found the balance they didn't find before.
What I didn't expect was the jealousy of what they had... not because I didn't have it, but because I wasn't involved in it. I had grown to love them both, and in many ways... that love was stronger then the love of a friend.
I said nothing, started dating someone... Someone I shouldn't have. I ignored the red flags about this person, both from my friends, and from my own mind. These two dear friends never left my side, not when I ignored them, accused them, and started to turn away from them...
I finally saw what I was allowing to happen, and ended the manipulation I had not seen was there... and again I had back the wonderful friends that were so much more...
I kept myself at a distance, but found my feelings growing stronger. Not wanting to spoil the love between my friends or the friendship I had built so strong... It was them who broke the barrier... and once the curtain was drawn... I was amazed to see the space in their happiness where I fit perfectly.
Its been more than a month now since my Pirate made me realize that "as you wish" meant "I love you". I have never felt more at peace, or more confident about my life... And not just my relationship. I feel in control and confident in every area of my life. I found balance and joy in this relationship. The three of us, fit perfectly, stronger twisted together, then any of us could ever be alone.
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--Jenn
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