[Cin]

For me, there has always been marriage between myself and those I love, whether it was legally sanctioned by the state or not. Marriage means a commitment of my heart. And I wouldn’t be with you if I were not committed to you. Well, it happened once. However, I prefer to believe that was an anomaly brought about in response to a unique set of circumstances and not likely to reoccur. So when I partner it has always been a marriage to me. However the benefit of a legal marriage is another matter and one I had not considered important until recently.

Truly Scrumptious and I lived in different countries and when we first began our relationship neither country recognized same sex marriage. However, Canada recognized common law or conjugal relationships between same sex partners for purposes of immigration. The U.S. has no provision for same sex partner immigration, so there didn’t need to be a lot of conversation about what we were going to do.

It was right around the time of my moving to Quebec, that Canada decided to recognize gay marriage federally. It would be another six years before we would get married.

I married Truly because I love her, of course, but also for legal purposes and in the hopes that someday I might be able to bring my wife home to be near the other love of my life, the Cape Cod National Seashore. I married for the ease and convenience that marriage affords. Although I had a hard time figuring out what those conveniences were living here. In Canada one need not be married to claim one another for income tax purposes. In Quebec, if they offer health insurance, employers are required by law to insure the partners of employees including same sex partners, or any common law/conjugal partner of any sex. Also in Quebec when you marry no names are changed. If you want your name changed you need to go and do it legally and pay for it. It is not an automatic thing. So really I was hard pressed to imagine what the difference a piece of paper could possibly make. I did figure it would make things easier in the event of illness or death. Although a friend who gives financial advice for a living recommends a will for ease and speed. Yet, I could not help but think if we were married it would appear more of a commitment.

Although we could have gotten married in Montreal, we chose to marry in Vermont in order to keep a foothold in the U.S. On the off chance that the U.S. would recognize gay marriage on a federal level, we thought it would look good if we could say we had been married in the U.S. It is a way of keeping the possibility of coming back there to live with my wife a viable option should anything change. I did not choose to leave my country. My country pushed me away when it refused to allow me to sponsor the woman I loved for immigration. When it would not let me bring her home, the U.S. gave me no choice but to change my home so that my heart could stay in my chest rather than follow Truly to Canada alone. It is more difficult than I imagined to love two countries. Canada has earned my loyalty but the United States holds my history. I thought I would walk away from the U.S. and never look back, especially considering how pissed off I was about how things ended between us. But it is not that easy to turn one’s back on one’s roots. Besides I may have been forced to leave if I wanted to be with the woman I love, but I’m not letting them take any more away from me. It’s not that easy to get rid of me. So I still vote in U.S. elections and stay involved in U.S. politics. For me, legalizing marriage on the federal level in the U.S. means moving back there with my wife becomes an option. That is one benefit gay marriage affords us. The residing country for those in binational relationships becomes one of choice. Instead of a hmmm, what country will have us, then let’s move there, kind of thing. Not that we might not have chosen Canada anyway given socialized medicine, which is awesome by the way. As well as how the heart of the distinct society called Quebec matches mine so well. But it would have been our decision. And the pain of missing my ocean would feel different if I had chosen it.

When we decided to get married, I never imagined it would feel any differently. I knew I could not love T.S. more because of a piece of paper. I believed it would have no effect whatsoever. I was wrong. It deeply moved me. The ceremony itself and the reality of being married, of being legally required to be here, has been profoundly affecting.

I’m not a fan of prenups. I get why they are important but it feels like I’m betting against myself.

The idea of keeping separate condos or houses is an interesting one, but it is unlikely that the average couple could afford to maintain two homes, regardless of how independent they would like to remain. I guess it’s a good option if you have the finances for it. It is difficult enough for most people I know to live with roommates or partners sharing expenses. A singular existence is becoming more and more economically difficult in these hard times. I guess one could keep the apartment one has with one’s roommate or roommates. But I would imagine for many, if they have to live with someone, pool finances and share expenses it might as well be their spouse. Most will likely have to settle for reading a book in another room, or if they only have one room, they will have to take long walks alone, wander through a bookstore, take in a soft ball game at a neighborhood park or find some other affordable way to get the valued time alone they crave.