[Massive]

On Monday I was having a bad day, I hadn’t slept well because I was having to deal with not knowing whether I was going to have to be forced into going back to work when I know that I am never going to be able to go back to work ever again, my health isn’t going to get better, there are no cures. I am disabled, I have an incurable chronic auto-immune disease, sero-negative rheumatoid arthritis in all the joints of my body and osteoarthritis in both my knees. I am disabled. Registered disabled no less, the end.
On my Monday my Mum took me to Barter Books to chill out, to give me the chance to come down from the heights of panic and fear and horror.
When we were there and at the check-out, Mum paying for the books I wanted, there was a young woman standing behind me. I had noticed her earlier primarily because she had the most amazing iridescent green hair, the green that is on a peacock tail feather, a fantastic, amazing, gorgeous colour. When she saw me she commented on my batman hoody. She has one the same.
I was too shy to talk to her, so Mum and her talked books.
She was, is, beautiful. Stunningly beautiful, and I was too shy to talk to her because of how beautiful she is.
Looking back I saw something else too. I saw that look of sadness that so many beautiful girls have, because of all the nasty, horrible comments that ignorant people make when they can’t or won’t understand when someone is different, isn’t the same as “them”, how thoughtless people are, what evil, nasty fucking twats “people” are. No woman should have to live with that sad look in her eyes. Ever. It’s just wrong.
I wish I had had the guts to say to her, “I know you don’t know me, but I want you to do something for me. I want you to know that you are beautiful. An absolutely stunning, drop-dead gorgeously beautiful woman, and don’t let anyone else ever tell you any differently because if they do, then they are wrong. So please, next time some idiot makes some comment then remember this: ‘You are beautiful’.”
I guess what this is about is how aware I am of how much of a difference it would have made to me, with my life, if someone, anyone, even if it was a complete stranger, had said to me that just because I was different, there was nothing wrong with me.
So, to that beautiful woman who I didn’t have the confidence to talk to:
“You are beautiful. Whatever anyone else says; You Are Beautiful. You deserve to be happy and loved and cherished, because you are beautiful, both inside and out. You’re beautiful.”
To all the women out there who feel different, who don’t think they fit in, who feel both elated and afraid when they get a compliment like “You’re beautiful” it’s okay to be scared. There is nothing wrong with you, because you are amazing. You are worth it. You deserve to be loved for you, you deserve to be cherished and adored and given everything you deserve and need and want. To share it all with someone else. Because you are all beautiful and smart and amazing and wonderful you deserve it. You all deserve it all.
So when you’re having a bad day and you feel like you are all alone, you’re not.
You’re never alone. You are beautiful.
You deserve the best.
Never stop believing in yourself.
Ever.
You are beautiful.

15/02/12
M