Quote:
Originally Posted by Ol' Jet
I am so sorry you experienced this, Stoney. I don't know what causes some people to flip the switch like this. I will never get it after building up a trust, and thinking there is a very clear understanding about sexual-orientation and IDs. For me, the blow was that someone I loved, and who I never thought would stoop so low, did very much the same thing as we were breaking up. In that moment, it was as though I didn't even know her. Even though I went through this, it hasn't changed who i am. What has changed now is my complete lack of trust in getting involved. I will never—and i mean never—put trust in anyone again. The prospect of going it alone at 53, is not fun. But it is what it is.
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Thanks for your comment and kind words on my post. I had a feeling you would get where I was coming from.
I am not sorry though that that happened, dont get me wrong, It f*cked with me for a while, but there were other factors in that relationship that really made me step back and say WTF am I doing here ?? why do I keep playing these games with people , I mean I knew she was playing it and
I still didnt stop its like two people in a room looking at a huge purple girrafe but no one ever says anything they just keep acting , acting like they think everything is normal, just part of the script or something....
well The biggest reason I am glad that all that happened because it made me look at who I was compared to who I thought I was expected to be, The entire relationship basically was one lie after another, her lying to me and me lying to myself. Before finding a butch femme site I really didnt know there were " specific" types of butches, actually I didnt even know much about the whole B-F dynamic, cause most of the Gay folks I know arent really definable, I called em granola dykes, sporty dykes, kiki's tweeners, and they didnt have a clue, I mean I have alot of gay friends but virtually no self defined " butch - Femme" couples. jus' me... and that makes me weird, (just a little) around other couples. My friends when the rare ocassion arises they skirt around actually using the word. But when they do, it is always with an apology , like it is an insultlike " damn look at that , geez she is realllllllly butch and then look at me and say "no offense"?????????!!!......and its never like damn she's hot its more like ewwwwww, ya know what I mean?
Right before I got in that relationship I realized I wasnt
as weird as I thought , that other butches were like me , those who didnt want the same things reciprocated during love making. I remember reading about other butches who didnt want to take off all their clothes, who didnt want sex in the same way they gave it. I realized I was " stone".
That day changed my life, and so did the day she said those things to me, it took a little time and finally I realized that I was Trying to squeeze my self into a generic Butch definition and act in a way that I felt would reflect who I was.
I understand trust issues Ol' jet, yes I definately do,
but I honestly can say now I am no longer afraid to get involved, or "fall" in love anymore. I will not allow myself to be powerless over my heart, I have learned that I can make the decision within myself to love , or trust, or not.
I dont trust others to care for my heart, I dont trust them to make my life more meaningful, I dont trust the promises of Ill love you forever no matter what "(( NO MATTER WHAT???? )))) ( come on) I dont trust them to tell me what kind of person I need to be to keep ( or nurture) their feelings for me... actually I barely think about people Im with breaking my heart or cheating etc......or leaving me. I dont like liars, but......
Im glad that situation and others involving my heart and feelings have taken place because now..... I truly am free to be who I am , decide who I love , experience my bliss.
Not because I can trust others; because now... after all these years, I finally trust myself.
Create the life you want Ol' jet, we all play the game , act the part or whatever , but once we all realize we have the ability to pick and choose the characters or players, it is pretty darn hard game to lose. If you dont want to be alone, dont be, I mean, take that step, not with a huge futuristic plan in mind, not to look for a forever person, look for someone to share the day with maybe even decide to love em for a day..., then maybe the next and then maybe the next. one day at a time, you can love some one for a minute...not all love has to last forever .. (who the hell would want it to really?) someone who relies on another for their happiness......thats who.
Dont trust your heart with anyone but yourself.They have to worry 'bout their own, yours will always come in second. But love them the way you want to, for as short or as long as you want to.I never just " fall in love anymore..." I
"step" into it stand with both eyes wide open, enjoy as much as I can for as long as I can . when its not fun anymore.....I can walk away.It is a good feeling to know you are the one in charge of your own happiness.
Much peace to you, Stoney