[Julie]

I am going to interject my personal thoughts on this.

Many years ago, I dated a stone butch. I needed to really understand what that meant. What did stone mean? She and I discussed it at great length and I discussed it with Femme's. This was my issue not hers. I needed to be sure I could handle not touching my partner - I needed to be sure I would not try and impose my feelings on her. She was stone, there was nothing for her to change about herself. There was much for me to change about myself, if I wanted to be in this relationship. It meant, I would need to learn what to do with my hands. It meant, I would not longer be exploring a female's body like I had in the past. Not once did I feel less than because of this. If I was to get into this relationship, I better know what I am getting into. We wound up being together for many years. I understood everything about her by communicating with her.

When I got involved with Dreamer, this was a completely different dynamic. Dreamer was a dominant and a sadist. What did all that mean? I read every single thing I could get my hands on. Everything. I talked to people, including Dreamer. I needed to be sure I could handle this relationship, before I entered it. It also meant Dreamer had to accept the parts of me that might not be comfortable going to certain places/spaces. It's just about communicating what is okay and what is not.

I do not think there is anything wrong with a Femme doing the research or a Straight Woman. MY GOD... If you are going to get involved with someone who you have never experienced (dynamics - trans, etc.) you better know who you are getting involved with and the dynamics associated with that person. A trans man who decides to get involved with a straight woman has the responsibility to be open in his dialogue and to welcome her questions. I have had friends who were with butches who later transitioned. The Femme's are the ones who searched out information, as much as they could - from their perspective. I hope that makes sense. A trans man cannot possibly know what it will be like for his partner. He cannot. She needs to communicate with him and ask questions to those in her community and read read read. So yes, I say - It is her responsibility since this area is so unknown to her, to get as much information as she can. It is her partners responsibility to never shame her with some of the questions she has.

Bottom line - It is about communication. I have never experienced a trans man placing this responsibility on his partner or vice versa. I have only experienced the balance. That is not to say, there are trans men who make it all about them. But there are many people in our world, who make it all about them.

Julie